NARRATION: I used to watch The Little Mermaid everyday after school in my parent’s room. I wanted to be Ariel so I could live in the sea - a place where I could just be me.
NARRATION: When I heard my dad come home I’d hide the tape underneath the bed. If he caught me he’d say: “Pa, eso succio, tu no ve eso, tu eres un hombre.” “That’s dirty, you don’t watch that, you’re a man!”
Manny: We’re really kind of trained from very early on as to how to, what we call, “act like a man.”
NARRATION: That’s Manny Yonko. I took a workshop on masculinity with him last year.
Manny: Those words are not designed to be nice. They’re designed to be hurtful, and to be harsh. To slap us back in what we call the man-box.
NARRATION: I’ve been wrestling with the man-box my entire life.
Manny says it’s nailed together with misogyny and homophobia. Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy when I came out to my family at 13. My mom, she was the last one to find out.
Mom: Everybody knew you were gay except me. To me you were just, you normal. Regardless of what you are you’re still my son, you’re my baby and I love you. And you should be proud of being gay. Right on gay power!
Dakota: You just broke my eardrum…. So if you love me so much why do sometimes you call me a faggot?
Mom: [sigh] I really apologize I really shouldn’t. Sometimes I think about a lot of things and say “you faggot” I get mad at you. It’s a stereotype and I apologize, nobody should be called a faggot.
NARRATION: My mom doesn’t want to hurt my feelings so she says she accepts me. But calling me a faggot isn’t very accepting.
At school it’s worse. One time in English class the only open seat was next to me, a student refused to sit there and sat at the teacher’s desk instead.
At my first high school the bullying was just so bad I had to switch schools.
I guess if I changed my mannerisms or stopped wearing my fringe purse or my little tight jeans I'd be more accepted. There are some things I can’t change about myself, even if I wanted to, like my voice, it isn’t deep… but we all know this.
Some guys can be more masculine depending on where they are. Like one of the advisors at my school, Mr T. He’s gay and keeps it a secret from the students.
Dakota: Do you consider yourself masculine?
Mr T: Yeah I do.
Dakota: In what ways?
Mr T: In certain settings which I’m uncomfortable and I can kind of switch it on and off. Many people don’t want to be outed, I can’t wear like what I really want to wear to work, which I wear on the weekends.
Dakota: Which is?
Mr T: My god, labels like Oscar de la Renta, you know Alexander McQueen, Ferragamo. I would love to wear that to work but there’s a time and place for everything.
Dakota: Do you hate living like that?
Mr T: Hate no... cause I know that a little sacrifice kinda goes a long way.
NARRATION: Uh uh, I’d rather die an outsider than sacrifice who I am. When I first met other young gay boys I thought it was going to be easier, that I'd just be accepted.
But it seemed a lot of guys just wanted someone who fit inside the man-box.
D: Let me go on instagram. I’m coming across this picture.
NARRATION: Online the masculine guys get all the attention.
D: This guy has his shirt off. Wow, look at his body he has an 8 pack.
Oh look someone just commented “you look like a real man”
NARRATION: That picture got 100 likes in only 4 minutes.
Dakota: Today I’m going to be interviewing a guy named…
Ricky: Ricky
NARRATION: My friend Ricky has over 2 thousand followers on Instagram. He’s handsome, he’s masculine, yeah I said it, and he’s out… sort of. I have a confession to make, I low-key like him.
Dakota: Do you like masculine guys or feminine guys?
Ricky: I think I like…more masculine guys.
Dakota: On a scale of 1-10 how masculine do you think you are?
Ricky: 7
Dakota: On a scale of 1-10 how masculine do you think I am?
Ricky: 5
NARRATION: That’s what it felt like, a shot to my heart. When he said that, I knew he didn’t like me. I remember thinking to myself “smile and don’t act like this is bothering you”.
Dakota: I feel like a lot of gay guys are like that. Like they only want masculine guys.
Ricky: That’s what I’m more attracted to. Like if you’re gay obviously you gonna like a man and if somebody is feminine it’s more close to a girl.
NARRATION: Guys I’ve dated or talked to have treated me like I’m the female in the relationship. They pay for dinner, put their arm around me, and are more dominant, like they look down upon me.
I asked Manny - you know, the guy who runs the manbox workshop - if someone can be fem and be strong.
Manny: Absolutely, and let me tell you something it takes a lot of guts to be who you are in a world where people don’t want to give you space for that. It takes a lot of power and strength to be authentic to who you are and not who people want you to be.
NARRATION: I don’t want to change. Because in a lot of ways that would take away the power that I have in being different. But the truth is, I get lonely and not only for love. Finding male friends is tough too; a lot of guys aren’t secure enough to hang out with a fem guy, they worry other men might think they’re gay.
So, for the first time in years, I’m trying to adjust.
I’ve started going to the gym to get that more “masculine look.” I’m trying to put on some muscles to be liked more by the boys. I just want to be considered. Like Mr T said “ A little sacrifice goes a long way.”
But don’t worry, I’m not giving up my fringe purse anytime soon.
For WNYC, I’m Rookie Reporter Dakota Salcedo
