Pick Up the Phone and Call: A New Holiday

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Brian Lehrer: It's the Brian Lehrer show on WNYC. Good morning again, everyone. Throughout the past year, we've heard from you about the challenges of keeping in touch and being there for each other. We've heard both sides of some of your relationships like getting stronger, others falling away, often not by choice but by exhausting circumstances. Well, a year into Zooming when we've all had birthdays with no parties and there have been so many deaths with no funerals, we could all use a check-in from a friend or a loved one, even if it's overdue. That's why WNYC's Death, Sex & Money team has come up with a new holiday and they're calling it Pick Up The Phone And Call Day. It'll be next Friday, a week from today, March 26th. With me now to explain is Death, Sex & Money host, Anna Sale. Hi, Anna.

Anna Sale: Hi, Brian.

Brian Lehrer: What is Pick Up The Phone And Call Day?

Anna Sale: Pick Up The Phone And Call Day is a holiday that we have declared, full disclosure, with the help of some expertise from your team, The Brian Lehrer Show team. We were casting about for a way to help our listeners get out of that funk of isolation and we were trying to figure out should we pair up people to call, what should we do, and we just decided, "You know what? Let's just, all together, make the commitment that that person that's in the back of your head that you've been thinking about making a phone call to but just haven't gotten around to it because you don't have the energy or you're not sure what to say. We're declaring a holiday where we're all going to make that call together."

Brian Lehrer: You brought a relevant clip from your latest episode, want to set this up for us?

Anna Sale: Yes. This latest episode is really beautiful. Producer Yasmeen Khan is a reporter in the WNYC newsroom and she was reporting a year ago as New York City was shutting down and she met a woman named Donna Perry who lives in Mill Basin who had just recovered from COVID and who had just lost her best friend to COVID. When Yasmeen called her up a year ago, she was out delivering meals in her neighborhood and Yasmeen wanted to just check-in and say, "What has happened in your life in the last year?" They talked about a lot of things.

One thing Donna talked about was the way she has tried to be very intentional about continually reaching out to people through her church, friends, even people who don't call her back, where it's not been a reciprocal relationship, just making that call. Here's what she said.

Donna Perry: There are so many people in this pandemic that are isolated, that are quarantining alone, and there's not one person in their life that's available to say, "I love you." By just those three words, I love you, extend grace to people. If you know the person hasn't picked up the phone to call you, it's okay. If you thought about them, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.

Anna Sale: Pick up the phone.

Brian Lehrer: That was great. Pick up the phone. Here's what we're going to do, listeners, with you to pick up the phone right now. This is just for a few minutes. This is basically a short segment that's a promo to get ready for-

Anna Sale: Holiday preparation.

Brian Lehrer: Exactly. For next Friday. Let's do a short call in on not calling or not being called with Anna as pre-event prep for Pick Up The Phone And Call Day. A call in on not calling. Is there someone in your life you've been meaning to call? Call in and tell us what's keeping you from calling that person. 646-435-7280. On the flip side, if you need a call, tell us about that too. Are you hoping to hear from a certain friend or loved one and you're wondering why they haven't reached out sooner? Maybe hearing your story will inspire other people to pick up the phone next Friday. 646-435-7280. Who haven't you called and what's kept you from calling them?

You want to reflect about that on the air? You obviously don't have to name names. 646-435-7280. Who have you been hoping to hear from and they haven't called you and you're wondering why and you need a call? 646-435-7280. While the calls are coming-- Wow. Look, the board filled right up, Anna.

Anna Sale: Wow. They're calling.

Brian Lehrer: You're on to something. How should we decide who to call next Friday?

Anna Sale: I have been thinking about who I am going to call and I'm going to call a few people. I have a friend who lost her husband who I've been trading notes with like texts checking in, but I just haven't called and talked to her. I want to do that and I haven't done it because I have this feeling that I don't have enough time, I want to make sure I reserve time to have that long phone call but I need to just call and tell her I love her and see how she's doing. The other thing, I got a call a few weeks ago and it was so random and beautiful. I got a call from a colleague I hadn't worked with for 10 years who I was very fond of but we fell out of touch and he called me on a Saturday.

My phone rang when I was at the playground with my kids and I was like, "I wonder what this guy needs from me. We haven't heard from him in 10 years." He just explained, "I've been feeling isolated and I just made a commitment to myself whenever somebody like pops into my mind, I'm going to give them a call." We had this lovely catch-up that I just was so glad that he took the initiative to do that. That's another way just to pay attention to who pops into your mind and then just make a totally random phone call and see what happens.

Brian Lehrer: Great. Listeners, we're going to tell you before we wrap up the segment how you can officially participate in pick up the phone and-- Let me get it right. I'm still memorizing the name of the holiday.

Anna Sale: It doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Brian Lehrer: You've invented the holiday with a lot of words, Anna. It's not like Columbus Day, but we don't celebrate that anymore. Pick Up The Phone And Call Day. Let's hear what Christine in Maplewood has to say. Hi, Christine. You're on WNYC.

Christine: Hi, Brian. Thanks for taking my call. I wanted to share that I got in a disagreement with a friend over a holiday Zoom back in December, a friend of mine from high school. It was related to me not really being okay with how she was handling some of her holiday travel and I told her how I was feeling. I did it in front of a bunch of our friends and we ended up in an argument and I've been wrestling with how to apologize and what I would say if I were going to apologize and I know that she's waiting for an apology. It's just it's a complicated feeling. I'm just trying to figure out the right words but this idea is making me remember that I need to reach out and say something.

Brian Lehrer: Anna, have you run into this kind of thing before?

Anna Sale: Well, I have run into it in my own personal life. Let's talk together. I just feel like if you just call and say, "When I think about this, I feel bad. I want to be in touch." Maybe not even try to relitigate the argument. Just say, "I miss you and I feel bad," and ask about what's going on right now and see what happens.

Christine: I appreciate that advice. That's spot-on with what I need to do is just say, "I don't know exactly what to say other than I'm thinking about you and haven't stopped thinking about you and want to move forward."

Anna Sale: I hope you make that call and I want to hear how it goes.

Brian Lehrer: Christine, thank you so much. Heidi in Allenhurst. You're on WNYC. Hi, Heidi.

Heidi: Hi there. Thanks so much for getting me on. I'm so grateful. The person that I wish that I would have called is my beautiful friend, Amy. She was the first friend that we lost in our very tight circle of about six girlfriends. She was 25 and she lost a battle with leukemia. We were all in college and I woke up one day and I said, "This is the day I'm going to call Amy." I went to my little job at the coffee shop and then my other friend, Mary, came into the coffee shop and she just looked at me and said, "Amy died today." That was really my first lesson in you cannot wait to call people.

I really try, 25 years later or whatever it is, 20 years later, to follow that inner nudge. I'm happy to say that those five remaining, the five remaining of us have reunited and we're working on a project together and we're all spread out all over the country but we do a pretty regular Zoom and we honor Amy. Just think about her and talk to her.

Brian Lehrer: Anna, you want to talk to Heidi?

Anna Sale: Heidi, you're reminding me something that Donna Perry said in our most recent episode that has just really stuck with me. She talked about making the call and she said, "I just try to think about die empty. I want to die empty," and do everything that she intends to do. I haven't stopped thinking about it since I heard that. I think you're saying the same thing, which is just, "If I think of it, I need to do it." I'm sorry you lost your friend, Amy. It sounds like you have carried that with you, and you have continued to think of her, and I'm glad to hear you reunited with your friends.

Brian Lehrer: Heidi, thank you.

Heidi: Thank you. Thank you for saying her name. That's how we keep her alive. Thank you, guys. Have a great day.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you very much, Heidi. I think it's common, Anna, do you? To have relationships where it's unclear who should make the first call or the next call. Maybe both parties feel like they're the ones who reached out first last time, and now everyone feels slighted or awkward.

Anna Sale: Yes.

Brian Lehrer: Does that sound familiar? How do you overcome that feeling, and should you just call anyway?

Anna Sale: Yes. I think it's complicated in friendships because if you are in a friendship where you feel like we're in a family relationship, where you feel like you're the one making all the effort, that resentment is not not real. I think for this particular holiday, the intention is to step away from those feelings of, "I always do the work," and just be the one to open the door and say, "I want to connect with you." It's about listening to who you want to connect with, and doing that intention. You're not doing it to make them feel guilty that they haven't called, you're doing it because this is the person that you want to pick up the phone and call.

Brian Lehrer: We might have a story like that from Ray in Manhattan. Ray, you're on WNYC with Anna Sale. Hi, Ray.

Ray: Hi, Brian. Good morning. A longtime listener, nice to talk to you.

Brian Lehrer: Glad you're on.

Ray: You know what? Your screener was awesome. You guys covered it previous to my call, but again, I wondered if, the inspiration of this segment, that I should call a friend who I've known for 30 years, and then I just like things fizzled out during the COVID. He said that she believes in maintaining friendships, no matter what. It's a little complicated for me. I wasn't sure maybe I'm not posing the right segment question.

Brian Lehrer: Did you have a fight with your friend? Did you have a fight or disagreement of some kind?

Ray: No. You know what, Brian? I actually didn't, but when I got there and visited in last June or July, it was like he was miserable and complicated. I said, "The expiration date is over." I guess after 30 years of being in common with music and all, maybe it ran its course.t I feel today after your segment, maybe I should phone him instead of blocking him and shit. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Brian Lehrer: Julianna, you'll take care of that?

Ray: I don't try to swear that much, plus I'm at work.

Brian Lehrer: I'm going to have to go because of that, but Ray I get it. For listeners who probably just heard a little gap, Ray accidentally said one of the words that you can't say on radio or television. We had that little gap there while we bleeped it out. Anna, he gave a clue to his situation there, I think, when saying that it became too complicated. I think many of us have been in situations with long-term friends where, for whatever reason, they become difficult. They become too difficult, or it feels to us that they've become problematic people and we just don't want to put in the work. That's one of the ways that friendships fall away, whether it's right or not.

Anna Sale: Yes. What I heard Ray describing is also it's confusing. It's not just that it's too hard. It's like, "Wait, something's off with our vibe, and I don't really know and I don't know how to talk about it. I'm just going to--" Especially during COVID times when so many of us have felt overwhelmed by so many parts of life. It makes sense that you've just not wanted to deal with the things that are a little too overwhelming are complicated, but this holiday is the day to just try to turn the page and say, "Hey, you're on my mind," and see what happens.

Of course, the phone call, they might be mad at you. Who knows how they're going to respond? That's not the point of the holiday. The point of a holiday is not to give you a trophy [chuckles] for doing something good. It's to rekindle a relationship. Even if you do have some awkward tensions as you get that conversation going, you're at least like not just walking away from it, you're making an effort.

Brian Lehrer: Is there an official way, and if you're just joining us we're talking to our Anna Sale, host of the WNYC podcast Death, Sex and Money. Anna and her team have come up with a new holiday that they're calling Pick up the Phone and Call Day. It'll be next Friday, March 26. We've just been hearing from callers about why they haven't called individuals in their lives who maybe they should call or have been wanting to call. Anna, is there an official way that people can sign up to participate in next Friday's holiday?

Anna Sale: Yes, there are. I think that we probably will all need one or more little nudge to make sure we make the call. You can start by texting the words, "call day" to the number 70101. Even if you don't know who you're going to call, but you're interested in participating in the holiday, give us a text. We have a whole series of messages that we're going to be sending you. If you don't know who to call, we'll send you to a website where there's all kinds of ways you could get involved. Maybe you might want to be a part of AARP's friendly voice program and volunteer just to call a senior who has said, "I want to hear from somebody."

That's another way to participate in our call day if there's not someone in your life that you immediately think of. Text the words, "call day" to 70101, and we'll celebrate this holiday together next Friday. You' can also go to wnyc.org/callday to get more information.

Brian Lehrer: I think we have time before Ask the Mayor begins to sneak in one more caller. Ken in Manhattan might have an interesting observation about phones versus Zoom connections. Ken, you're on WNYC. Hey there.

Ken: [chuckles] You just set it, Brian. I was just wondering if either is preferable to the other for intimacy. How they compare.

Brian Lehrer: Do you have your own experience, Ken?

Ken: My own feeling is that I am put off by Zoom, but I very much like talking on the phone.

Brian Lehrer: I know the assumption usually is that it's going to be more intimate if you can see the person.

Anna Sale: I think it just depends on your mood. I find sometimes that it's really nice to see someone that I haven't seen in years. When you connect and you see how you look different and they look different, and you both aged, and you can sort of like really see their environment, that's interesting, but I also really love going on a walk with a phone and having a long talk with a friend where I can just be away from my household and focus on the conversation. That's only really possible when you're just talking on the phone. I think it just depends on what you're in the mood for.

Brian Lehrer: Anna, someone on Twitter just recommended that we name it a "Caller Day" to rhyme with holiday.

Anna Sale: I like that. [laughs] Caller Day. Yes, it's an official Caller Day.

Brian Lehrer: It depends what part of the country you're in. It's a caller day. It's a caller day. It's a caller day if you're from Queens. There we go. Listeners, if you want to participate in Anna Sale's new national holiday coming next Friday called Pick up the Phone and Call Day, text "call day," to 70101. Anna, can't wait. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Anna Sale: Thanks for taking my call, Brian. I appreciate it.

 

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