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Why Do I Stay?

Rainy spent two years reporting from inside an abusive relationship, trying to understand why she stayed with her boyfriend.
· by Rainy

The idea for the series “Crushed: Teens and Dating Abuse” actually came from “Rainy,” a Radio Rookie who joined the program as a 17-year-old high school student back in 2013. At the time, she’d been out of an abusive relationship for five months and she wanted to understand why she'd been in it. While she was reporting, they got back together, so Rainy started looking at why she stuck with him. Here's her story. 

I first met my ex-boyfriend “Tony” the summer after 8th grade. By the time we started dating, I was 14 and he was 21. Six years, six months and six days older. 666. I think that’s kind of creepy. 

My best friend Nicole remembers when we first met him. “In the beginning, don’t get me wrong, he fooled me too. He fooled all of us. I thought he was really nice. I would never expect him to lay a hand on you.” 

I asked her why she thought I liked him in the first place and she replied, “His looks. Can’t even deny it. The fact that he’s older.” 

Tony is short, with tan skin, big pretty eyes and an Italian schnoz. He has tattoos and a clean-cut beard. When you think of that arrogant guy all the girls want, that’s Tony. But it was more than just his looks. Nicole remembers, “he also made you feel like you were special, like you were wanted.” He liked that I was smart and young and pretty. He wanted to shape me into his “perfect wife-y” before I got to the age when he says girls become whores. 

He was verbally abusive way before he became physically abusive. The bruises clear up, but words stick with you and they change how you act. He would tell me, “you’re boring, you’re awkward, you’re the weirdest of the weird, you’ll never fit in anywhere.” I believed him. I didn’t talk to anyone anymore, including my mom. I started coming home late, or not at all. 

“I was livid and I wanted you home,” my mom remembers. She used to be a drug addict, but she’s been clean for 10 years now and is definitely there for me.

“What were you doing then?” I asked her. 

“Worrying, cursing, yelling.” She tried punishing me and taking my things away, but nothing worked because I wouldn’t let it. I was the only one who could stop myself from seeing him. 

Radio Rookie Rainy
(Andrew Mambo)

The first time he hit me was because I was looking through his Facebook page and I caught him messaging his ex, so he slapped me across the face. Then one night, two years into our relationship, we went to our friend’s birthday party and he got really drunk. I went to sleep at his place and woke up with him pouring water on my face and dragging me out of bed by my hair. He was yelling and calling me names like a "dirty whore" and a "piece of trash.” He slapped me and threw lighters and medicine bottles at me, then grabbed my neck and threw me around the room.

After I left, I went home, but my mom started freaking out when she saw me, so I left for my friend Steven's. He remembers seeing my face. “Once I saw you I just felt bad. Then you started crying and you told me you didn’t see it yet. So I brought you in my bathroom and I made you look and you didn’t want to, so I told you weren’t leaving until you looked at it.”

When I looked in the mirror, I saw a face covered in tears, red and swollen with blue marks on my cheeks and under my eyes, on my neck and on my arms. My mom called the cops but I hid in the bathroom and lied that Tony hadn’t hit me. So they didn’t press charges. 

After that night, Tony and I didn’t talk for a week. Then he showed up at my school. He bought me a burger and we walked around the neighborhood for a couple of hours. He played one of those toy vending machine games with the arm and got me a stuffed toy. It wasn’t much, but the look on his face was so sad, it convinced me to go back. 

I’m sure you’re thinking, “who the hell stays with someone like him?” Believe me, I get it. I don’t know what makes me stay. I mean, he has spit in my face in front of company, more than once. There are some things he’s done to me that are so embarrassing, I’ve never told anyone. So I just shut down and don’t talk to anybody.

Listen to Rainy’s inquiry into why she stays and how she finally gets out.

Rainy in the WNYC Radio Rookies studio.
(Andrew Mambo)

If you are in an abusive relationship and are looking for help, we've compiled a list of service and support organizations here.  

Editorial Note: We got in touch with Rainy's ex to let him know what was in her story and to give him the opportunity to respond. He wrote back saying that he didn't want anything to do with the story and that "multiple of the claims are completely wrong." He added that some things were left out, though he didn't give any specifics.

For a behind the scenes look at the genesis and challenges of producing the Radio Rookies series "Crushed," check out Courtney Stein's Producer's Notebook. 

Credits: Rainy's story was produced by Courtney Stein, with Sean Cole of This American Life. Kaari Pitkin is Radio Rookies Senior Producer and Editor.  

Radio Rookies would like to thank Day One and The Door, our partner organizations for this series.

We’ve received mail from people asking how to help Rainy, the teenager who worked with This American Life and Radio Rookies to tell her story of surviving abuse.

With some help from some supporters, Rainy has set up a GoFundMe college fund, if you would like to donate.

Please note: neither WNYC nor Radio Rookies are affiliated with this account, nor will we be monitoring it or controlling the use of the funds in any way. Any funds given will be considered a gift and will go directly to Rainy. Gifts are not tax-deductible.