Jim

Hot and cold, life and death, addiction and choice: in dad's life, right up to the end, these were not opposite terms, but more like companions.###At his wake, other words like 'drive' and 'passion' were used as polite stand-ins for 'stubborn' and 'single-minded'. 'Thrifty' would draw an unhappy chuckle more than once; 'troubled' stood up when 'bitter' would not do.###'He got that thermos to save on coffee money at lunch,' mom said, pointing to a photo on a memorial easel. Dad on a job site, a strong man with a hard hat and a cigarette. For a very brief moment I heard the frustration of an older time, when they argued about the cost of cigarettes, and 'cost' was a heavier word. Later he carried gin in it, to save on bar money. By then, the anger between them had long gone cold, had become 'resignation.' Feelings were insulated.###Time, cancer, and alcoholism had left no organs viable for donation, the doctor told us,but there was some use for 'tissue,' This made mom as happy as anything had for a long time, and I left her with David to fill out the forms. I walked down the hospice corridor, just to walk. I came to an open storage closet full of thermos cases with medical stickers and dry-ice tags and priority shipping labels on them.###'Angry' became 'bemused' as I imagined dad's wry smile, and I walked back down the well-lit hall.