Justine

16

“The sun rose and everything fell. Just everything! All at once, too; it was a real goddam mess. And real goddam noisy, I’ll tell ya; just a clusterfucking trifecta of clattering and squawking and popping. It was me, all the animals (two ducks, these five huge geeses I found, a couple squirrels frightened out of their goddam wits), like thirty empty cans of domestic beer (real nasty stuff in my opinion. Just tastes bad. Not worth the precious time I used up to cut out the coupons or drink a lot of). Then there was like a champagne bottle… a double pack of Tanner-In-A-Canner… my new Petsmart geeses feed and paddling pool… the outfit I was wearing the day before… some more coupons… all just fell at once, like fucking magic! Landed ass-down on the the goddam paddling pool and popped it, too. We must have been in that tree all goddam night, I’ll tell ya. Like fucking magic.”
I paused and rubbed my chin, looking really pensive and intelligent and handsome. “A weeping willow, I believe. Might have been a maple. Very beautiful, totally fine to sleep naked in. Those squirrels took a shot at my testicles at some point but, ohhh nooooo, I shut that Would’ve-Been-A-Big-Mess down real fast, like some kind of cheetah in his tree-home—like a treetah! Ha! Oh, I’ll tell ya, you should be pretty proud to know someone who could drink the Route 6 Ruby Tuesday’s dry—that’s the fucking heavyweight Ruby’s, too—and still maintain his natural panache, picking a goddam beautiful tree like that oak. Truly a tree worth walking over to from the mall parking lot and drinking in, for sure. Oh, aaannndd sleeping in afterwards, I suppose!”
My chuckle bounced off the walls of the dining room, joyously, gracefully. My God, I am the best storyteller alive. Probably the best storyteller ever born. My family was eating up every syllable, completely fucking speechless, like those people in the park after I fell naked from the elm, winking in the sun like some smooth, glorious peach. Grandma Pat looked almost dead, with her mouth open in awe, her lipliner formed in a crispy coral O of oooo-mazement. Mom was crossing her heart, probably thanking God for giving her such a miracle, such an expressive, handsome, interesting son o’ me. Dad was still holding the gravy boat he had picked up when I started my story, eyes aghast with wonderment and respect for me and my bachelor lifestyle. Yes sirree, this was just gonna be another Thanksgiving dinner made great by Yours Truly.
I flashed a charming smile toward every face at the table, all still starting at me with that look in their eyes that said, “Why, we are just truly blessed. How did we ever get so lucky? Where ever did this magnificent brain, this bright slice of heaven, with such a flair for individuality, ever come from? Indeed, we are really, really blessed.” The only person who wasn’t still gazing at me was Mrs. Peacock, the T-O-T-A-L-B-I-T-C-H from next door, who my mother decided to invite over for our S-A-C-R-E-D Thanksgiving football/dinner marathon. What could be more important in her goddam life right now than my story? Those gross tiny cats her big cat had shit out last night that she couldn’t stop yapping about before? My new geeses could eat those ugly things whole, no problem, and probably do that cool head-thrown-back-swallow thing. Mrs. Peacock probably didn’t ever hear about my geeses. She probably didn’t even know what they were capable of. Distracted bitch. Hey, watch the Discovery Channel sometime, Ch.278, instead of blabbering about your ugly diarrhea cats.
What the hell was she looking at? It didn’t even matter, but I thought I might as well see, just for the record. I glanced offhandedly over my shoulder and saw my sister Alex at the front door, holding a… pecan pie? Holding an apple pie. And my niece Lucy’s hand. No, a peach pie. Alex, like the rest of my family, was gaping at me with reverie, a tear glistening on her cheek, affected by my captivating account of the morning. Somehow, she tore her eyes away from my handsome brown ones and looked at our family behind me. Then down at Lucy. Then back at my lovely eyes. Then at the door. Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.