Lily

15

Leland’s Wife

The sun rose and everything fell.
“Son of a---”
All 54 blocks collided with the table, producing a sound that must’ve woke the neighbors. Alex’s face contorted into that of a five year old who’d just discovered his favorite action figure, broken. Crushed by the simper of his adversary, Jonathan. Who bore the look of the older sibling who’d twisted the arm off said action figure. They’d been at it all night. ALL. NIGHT. The empty beer cans littered across the room were the scattered remnants of any fun that had taken place. For the past six hours, the four suburban men had been engaged in a high-stakes Jenga tournament.
Peter, who was sitting directly beside Jonathan, fist bumped him, and the two proceeded to growl/scream like football players after a touchdown. Alex didn’t move. Just starring at the empty space where the misshapen tower of rectangular blocks used to be. Leland, a pudgy man with a sweater-vest and a jew fro, broke out into an endless string of profanities.
“Dammit Alex!” he cried. “I thought you had this! I mean, you won the last five consecutive games!”
“I’m sorry man, I don’t know what happened… I guess I was tired and…” Alex’s eyes drifted to the small basement window. Orange light shone through.
“Alright you two. Pay up,” said Peter. He and Jonathan were finished with their small revelry.
Alex shrugged, “I’m out.” The three men across the table all turned their heads to Leland. He gulped.
“What you got?” asked Jonathan. Leland sighed, and went to a box in the corner of the room. He fumbled through some things, and came back with three cd cases.
“I’ve got a Poison greatest hit’s album, Reba McEntire “Starting Over,” and the Friends soundtrack.”
“I didn’t know friends had a soundtrack,” said Alex.
“Neither did I,” said Leland.
“Is it good,” asked Alex. Leland shrugged.
“I’ll take the second one,” said Jonathan
“No! Not Reba!” Leland begged. Jonathan smiled through his Foxworthy-esque mustache.
“Dude, you’re keeping it in your basement. Just give it up,” said Peter. Leland put his head down, and held it out for Jonathan to snatch. He and Peter shared one last laugh, before succumbing to a dead silence. It was as if all four men had suddenly realized at the exact same time just how absurd it was that they’d been playing jenga for six hours.
“Why can’t we play something else?” Asked Peter, breaking the silence. “Why’d we have to stop playing poker?”
“You know why,” said Alex. “It got too intense. Once our wives found out we we’re betting money, we had to stop.”
“I know, but… Can’t we at least play something intelligent?”
“Dude, we tried Monopoly,” Jonathan replied. Leland tenderly placed a hand on his black eye, and glared agonizingly at Alex.
“Why don’t we just switch back? What’s the worst that could happen?” asked Peter.
“Yeah, no,” Alex scoffed.
“I don’t know about you, but I have absolutely no control in my relationship with my wife,” said Leland.
“Same,” said Jonathan. They were quiet again.
Alex yawned. “Hey, does anybody have the time?” he asked.
“It’s a quarter till five,” Peter replied. “Shoot! I gotta get home.” Suddenly, Leland started hyperventilating.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!” he cried. My wife gets home anytime now!”
“You’re wife get’s home at four forty five? What is she a stripper?” teased Jonathan. Leland threw an empty beer can, and hit the thirtysomething square in the face. “No, as a matter of fact, she’s a nurse. She’s working the night shift, and she’ll be very very grumpy if she comes home to find this mess… I- I… She’ll kill me.”
“Kill you?” Alex retorted. “Aren’t you exaggerating a bit?”
“No. I’m not. She will shoot me down like Bonnie and Clyde, and I will be dead.”
“Come on, she can’t be that bad,” said Alex.
“Have you ever met Leland’s wife?” asked Peter. Alex shook his head.
“You know Nile’s wife, from frasier?” asked Jonathan.
“Yeah… But you never get to meet Nile’s wife.”
“No one should ever have to meet Leland’s wife.”
“We’ve gotta go you guys!” shouted Leland. “we have to---”
The small man was silent at the sound of the front door opening on the floor above. He mouthed the words “Oh God.”
“What’s so bad if she catches us down here anyway?” asked Alex. “You can just tell her we spent the night.
“No, I can’t. She already thinks I’m gay and---”
“Leland, everyone thinks you're gay,” Peter admitted. Jonathan and Alex shrugged in agreement.
“LELAND?” called a woman with a voice that sounded like lung cancer.
“Everyone keep your voices down!” her husband commanded.
“YOU KNOW WHAT!” shouted Alex. Everyone shushed him. “You know what,” he whispered, “I’m going up there.”
He valiantly ignored his friends attempts to hinder his passage to the stairwell. He reached the basement door with only one question on his mind.
“Hey Leland, why does this door have a handle, and a knob?”
“My wife can’t use door handles. So we installed a knob.”
“Why can’t she use handles?”
“She’s got Megan Fox thumbs.”
Alex stared at the door handle, and slowly turned the knob.