Asher

16

The sun rose and everything fell. By the time the first beams of light had illuminated the East Coast, it was too late. It was March 18th, 2016: a date which would live in infamy if it hadn’t already killed everyone. But the strange thing about the end of the world was that it wasn’t caused by just one event.
The American population was wiped out by a technological breakdown. Apple had recently released a new product known as the iEye, an eyeball that was able to make calls, surf the web, and virtually undress women. Needless to say, it was a huge success. There wasn’t a single person in the country who didn’t have one. On the morning of March 16th, Apple filed for bankruptcy. It turned out they hadn’t had any money for years, which is why all their ads were shot against white. They couldn’t even afford backgrounds. The Apple grid was shut off, disabling the iEye and leaving half of America blind (or alternately, leaving all of America half-blind). Riots broke out, and due to the lack of depth perception, the accidental death rates rose to record highs. Eventually the whole populace was accidentally wiped out. The last remaining citizen died when he accidentally ran into a pole.
The English met their maker when the Queen thought it might be great fun to test her power and tell the population to kill themselves. The effects were unimaginable. Every one of her subjects dutifully carried out her will. Scotland, still firmly tethered to the U.K., begrudgingly followed suit.The Queen herself was killed by Helen Mirren as part of a murder suicide. Mirren was heard screaming “We are one! If I can’t live then neither can you!” at the moment just before shooting.
Greece was struck down by the Gods, who were angry at how they had been portrayed in the Percy Jackson films (which they had recently rented from Redbox).
France and Germany both sensed danger in the air and assumed they were going to war with each other again. After 2 quick and very bloody battles, the remaining French smoked themselves to death on cigarettes and the Germans all shot themselves to preserve the glory of their fatherland.
Russia fell at the hands of its own insatiable leader, Vladimir Putin. He had made it his goal to hunt every single person in his country. The entire Russian population was placed in a large paddock, and Putin managed to hunt down every one in less than 12 hours (due to his “lots of big guns” approach to hunting). He would have survived were it not for the fact that he had yet to conquer his greatest prey: himself.
Ireland had completely drowned itself the day before, owing to the fact that it was St. Patrick’s Day.
The entirety of Asia was crushed by a Godzilla type monster, which was known as God-silly for copyright reasons.
Those who were flying in airplanes at the time all died of laughter while reading B.J. Novak’s collection of stories, which they had all bought at the airport.
Nobody knows what happened in the Middle East, except that it was very very bad and someone probably should have done something about it.
The final blow came at 2:36 p.m. that day. A collection of celebrities had taken refuge inside the Wealth Holders’ Initiative Towards Earth (or W.H.I.T.E) safety pod, located several miles below the Earth’s surface in Nebraska, of all places. Among them were names like Sean Penn, Donald Trump, Walt Disney (having been thawed) and Bono.
“Well,” said Bono, “it’s no good trying to save this planet anymore. We’ve fucked it up real good.”
“We can’t whimsy our way out of this one,” muttered Disney. “It’s all because of those damn-”
Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen glared at him, defying him to continue.
All the men turned to the Artificial Intelligence Executive (A.I.Ex., or Alex). Alex was the greatest of man’s achievements. He was able to make decisions far more complex than any human mind could contemplate. He looked up solemnly.
“Gentlemen,” he said, “there is nothing left to do. We cannot rebuild this world with all the W.H.I.T.E. power in the universe. It is time to give up.” All the men looked at one another, then gazed wistfully towards the door leading out of the pod, a door that would never again be opened. Alex put his hand on the large, menacing red knob labeled “Total World Destruction.”
Sean Penn muttered under his breath “I knew having that knob installed was a good idea.”
Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.