Karissa

15

The sun rose and everything fell. At first, God only noticed the sun rising, and He smiled. Gotta look forward to the little things, God thought.
After He flooded the earth and killed a few people for kicks, God decided to start seeing a therapist at the behest of His archangels. His therapist was kind to Him.
“Dr. Miller,” God said, “you’re the only one who really gets me.”
“Call me Elizabeth,” Dr. Miller said, and they both smiled.
At their last session, Elizabeth worked with God to help Him love Himself again. It was the hardest thing God had ever done, but He felt Himself getting better and growing stronger every day. Then he got a call on his cell.
“Hey, dad, it’s me.” It was His son.
“Hi, Jesus. What’s up?”
“Listen, do you remember what I said yesterday? About moving to Manhattan?”
“Jesus, no.”
“I already booked a flight, and we’re boarding right now. So I just wanted to say bye.”
“What the fuck are you doing, Jesus? You can’t just leave everything behind to do—what was it you wanted to do?”
“I’m going to make it to Broadway, dad.”
“You really are the biggest mistake of my life, you—” But lo: Jesus had already hung up.
God threw his glass of orange juice across the room and poured Himself a whisky. He was going to need it.
***
Jesus sat near the bathroom in the economy section of the plane. He closed his eyes, and tried to sleep, but he was too angry at his father. When the drink cart came around, he bought five mini-bottles of vodka and drank them all. He didn’t eat any meals because none of them were kosher, so he just bought another three mini-bottles and drank those. He got in an argument with the lady next to him and said she smelled bad, and two flight attendants had to come and break it up. When he arrived in New York, he was still pretty drunk.
In the airport, he tried to exit through an emergency exit, so security questioned and detained him for a while, but eventually, he found himself in the city. It was nighttime, and he was jetlagged and drunk, so he wandered the city. He had around a thousand dollars on his American Express from his day job bringing people back from the dead, but he didn’t want to use it—after all, he’d come all the way to New York to escape all of that.
He passed out by the dumpsters behind some shady apartment complex, thinking of happiness.
***
God called Jesus, but it went straight to voicemail. He called Andrew, Bartholomew, James, then the other James, John, skipped Judas, Jude, Matthew, Peter, Philip, Simon, Thomas, and Mary Magdalene, but no one had heard from Jesus. God also wondered why His son’s only friends were grown men and prostitutes.
He searched for Jesus everywhere, but all of North America was pretty blurry and Australia was one big smear in the ocean. He tried to focus, but He couldn’t.
“Shit,” God said, “shit.” That’s when He knew everything was falling apart.
***
Jesus woke up in a fairly clean, well-decorated room, so naturally he was suspicious. He had no idea where he had fallen asleep the night before. Then, he heard a voice from above. I must be hallucinating, Jesus thought, I never hear disembodied voices from above. And he paused, I guess it could be dad. He closed his eyes and groaned.
“Derek, wake up. We cannot be late to work again.”
“Derek? What are you talking about?” Jesus asked.
“You’re really hungover, aren’t you? Goddamn it, Derek. You know, I had to drag you from behind the building, you were so smashed.” Jesus looked up and saw a scowling man he had never seen before. I’ve been kidnapped, he thought, or, I guess, man-napped. Jesus-napped.
***
God sighed, rubbed his eyes with his palms, and began crying, softly, so no one would hear. I shouldn’t have drank the whole bottle of Johnnie Walker last night, he thought, I should have been better to Jesus when he was around. I should have told him I loved him more often. I’m the worst fucking dad in the world. I can’t even find my only son. Gabriel and Michael, God’s archangels, heard the sound of the shedding of His tears and flew over.
“Sir, I know you’re concerned about Jesus, but wouldn’t you know if something bad’s going on? You’re all-seeing and all-knowing, aren’t you?” Gabriel asked.
“No, boys. I’m losing it. My vision’s fading.” God said.
“Do you want us to use the Find My iPhone app we installed for Jesus?” Michael asked.
Then He really started sobbing. The archangels rubbed His back soothingly and gently shushed Him, but God couldn’t stop crying.
“Could you at least try to aim that at California while you’re at it, boss?” Michael asked.
Satan, too, heard God weeping. He laughed to himself before wiring Donald Trump more campaign money.
***
“I’m not Derek, and I don’t know what you’re doing holding me hostage,” Jesus said.
“How much did you drink, Derek? Shit, man,” the man said.
“Who are you?” Jesus asked as he stood up above the ground in preparation to defend himself through any means. He had once saved a neighborhood child from a rabid camel with nothing but his bare teeth. They must have found out he had no greencard and put him in jail.
“Don’t play stupid. I’m Alex, your roommate. Are you mad because I told you to clean your side of the apartment?” Alex asked.
“No!” Jesus said.
“He must have some alcohol-induced amnesia,” Alex said to himself.
“I heard that!” Jesus said.
“Shut up!” Alex said, “You’re Derek, okay? Your name is Derek. We grew up together, remember? We gave up alcohol together, too, remember? That's why I'm pissed. Derek, please.”
Alex wondered for a second if he had accidentally pulled a random hobo from the streets, but he knew it was Derek. He was wearing his favorite potato sack-like shirt-dress from American Apparel and Urban Outfitters hemp sandals.
“If you really knew me, you would know I would never give up alcohol,” Jesus said. What do you expect coming from a guy who turns water into wine on the regular?
“I knew it,” Alex said, eyes cast to the ground.
“What are you talking about?” Jesus asked.
“You know, Derek, you don’t need to be a dick and do it this way. I know,” Alex said.
“Oh no,” Jesus said, “you know that I’m actually Jesus Christ, son of God?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Oh, haha, never mind.”
“I know you read my journal. I knew it.”
“I—”
“I don’t expect you to be totally accepting or whatever, but I didn’t think you would do this, trying to leave and pretend like you don't know me. I know you know I’m gay,” Alex said, and then he started crying. Jesus hugged Alex, but it was an awkward hug because Jesus is really awful at giving hugs. And then Jesus started crying, too, because it was a sad moment, and Jesus is a softie—he always cries at the end of Titanic, too.
“I love you, Derek,” Alex said, and he kissed Jesus. And Jesus was a little shocked but also touched by the sentiment, and it took him a second to react and kiss Alex back.
In that exact instant, Gabriel and Michael rushed into Alex’s apartment, having located Jesus with the iPhone app, and they landed right in the middle of that scene. Jesus and Alex didn’t notice because they were really getting into things.
“Isn’t this wrong?” Michael whispered.
“Have a heart. Love is love, and nothing should ever change that, no matter who says it, whether it be God or the Pope or your parents. That’s something important you should learn, Mike. It’s something everyone should learn,” Gabriel said. And Michael started crying a little, too.
But then Alex looked up, and said, “What the fuck are those flying little monkey things?”
“Oh, those are my dad’s archangels,” Jesus said.
Alex moved a little away from Jesus, staring.
“So you’re really not Derek,” Alex said.
“I never lied to you,” Jesus said.
“I…wow,” Alex said. He edged towards the door.
“Wait a second! Whoever this Derek guy is has obviously been reincarnated as Jesus or something,” Gabriel said, “I’m an angel so I definitely know what I’m talking about.”
“Oh, so you are Derek!” And Jesus and Alex embraced.
“Now, Jesus, all you have to do is close your eyes and click your sandals three times, and we can all return to Nazareth,” Gabriel said.
“Really?” Jesus asked, incredulous.
“Of course not, you dumbass,” Gabriel said.
“Yeah, we actually don’t know how to go back,” Michael said.
“Didn’t you guys take a plane here?” Jesus asked.
“No, we teleported. Also, your passport got lost in the dumpster and they took the trash out today.”
“What the hell, guys? Why didn’t you stop that from happening?”
“Eh, well, anyway, you can’t go back.”
“You know what,” Jesus said, “I like it in New York, and I’m staying with Alex.”
“Really?” Alex asked, eyes glittering.
“Yes,” Jesus said. And they both smiled.
Over the next two years, Jesus and Alex lived happily ever after working at a local diner, and one day, they decided to get married, and they did it right in their apartment with just a few of their closest friends. The wedding was officiated by Gabriel and Michael. Suddenly, as they were eating the wedding cake, a floating door appeared out of nowhere in their living room.
***
Earlier that day:
“Elizabeth, I need to talk to Jesus,” God said at His weekly therapy.
“It’s been two years, God. How would you even find him?” Elizabeth asked.
“I just,” and He sighed, “I just wish I could see him again.”
“That was the last step in your healing process, God,” Elizabeth said with a smile as a floating magical door appeared behind her,
“Through that door is Jesus. It’s your only chance to make things right.”
God approached the door and tears streamed down His cheeks, “Thank you, Elizabeth. Thank you so much.”
“Me? I’m just here to help you,” Elizabeth said, “And now, you’re past that. I’ll see you soon, God.” She disintegrated into a million grains of gold in the wind. God was so emotional that He didn’t realize that the only woman of significance in the entire story was a cipher to serve broken men. But whatever.
***
“Jesus, it’s me, God,” a beautiful voice echoed through the apartment.
“What the fuck is going on?” Marlene, a wedding guest, screamed.
“Don’t worry,” Jesus said, and he and Alex and Gabriel and Michael chuckled.
“Also, why are your officiators flying monkeys?” Will, Marlene’s boyfriend, asked.
“I think you guys should all leave,” Jesus said, crying but smiling, “all of you fucking leave except for Alex and the angels.” The guests scrambled out.
“Dad,” Jesus said, “Is it time to go home?”
“What’s going on over there? Sounds noisy,” God said.
“It’s a wedding! Jesus got married!” Michael said.
“Well, then it must be time to meet the parents. Or, at least me,” God said, “Just go through this door, and you can come on over to my place.
Gabriel and Michael barreled through the door first, then Jesus, but Alex didn’t move. Jesus peeped his head back out the door.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Jesus asked.
“I guess I’m scared,” Alex said. Jesus smiled at him.
“Unfortunately, due to the way these doors work, adult humans taller than 5’3” have to go in one at a time, so I need you to be brave, Alex,” Jesus said, “I love you.”
Jesus disappeared through the door, and then Alex found himself alone. He took a deep breath and balled his hands into fists.
Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.