Hannah

16

The Sun rose and everything fell into chaos.
It started off as a typical Friday morning in the life of Alexandria Pumpernickel; he woke up, remembered his name was Alexandria Pumpernickel, and realized today was going to suck. Now I know what you’re thinking. What kind of parents name their son Alexandria? It’s bad enough the kid’s named after a delicious German bread; why go the extra mile and make him the butt of all jokes by slapping that girly first name on him? Well, to answer your question, they were expecting a daughter. But surprise! Fast forward 16 years later and here we are.
Alex was the type of guy that took whatever life threw at him. Which in his case was usually fists. He wasn’t exactly liked by the in crowd. Go figure. None the less, he had his family.
Realizing that it was nearly time for him to leave for school, Alex rushed downstairs in search of a quick breakfast. Unfortunately, he didn’t find any breakfast, just his sister Brian. Brian was two years younger than Alex and the definition of She-devil. From the time she was able to speak, Bri had been an absolute terror. How did her parents expect her to turn out when they named her after the dog from Family Guy? Not great. You know, they should really look into getting a new pediatrician. For Christ’s sake the woman had a fifty percent chance of guessing correctly and she was wrong. Twice. Thanks for screwing up two perfectly almost normal kids.
“What’s up sugar tits” asked Bri.
“Shut up Brian.” Responded Alex.
“Whatever you say Alexandria.”
Seeing that this conversation was going nowhere, Alex left the house on an empty stomach.
By third period, his stomach sounded like a dying whale. He was pretty sure that if he didn’t eat something very soon this would not end well for him.
Finally, two hours rolled around and it was time for lunch. Luckily, today’s options were promising: macho nachos or cheesy bean and beef burritos. Alex decided to go with the burritos, and scarfed down three of them and a carton of milk in about five minutes.
As the day went on Alex started to feel not so hot. By seventh period he was pretty sure he was going to kill over if the bell didn’t ring soon. Concerned from the fact the Alex had been sitting in her class with a pained look on his face for most of the hour, his teacher decided that she should probably ask him if he was okay.
“Mr. Pumpernickel,” she asked. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I just don’t feel too —”
With a giant grumble from his tummy, Alex shot up from his seat and exclaimed “Oh Shit!” With that, he quickly ran out the classroom door and down the hall.
His teacher yelled after him, but he was too far gone to hear what she was saying.
By a miracle, Alex made it from his locker to his car safely just as the bell was ringing. Putting the car into drive, he booked it out of the parking lot and sped down the street.
About a mile or so down the street from his house Alex heard sirens. He looked into his rearview mirror and thought to himself “this cannot be happening right now.” A police officer walked over to the driver’s door and tapped on the window, signaling for Alex to roll it down.
“Good afternoon son” stated the officer. “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Shortly, Alex responded “for speeding I assume.”
“That’s correct” he informed. “Care to tell me where you were headed in such a rush?”
Crossing his legs to hold it all in Alex explained. “You see sir, I—have explosive diar—rhea, and I really need to—get home before I—poop my pants sir.”
“Umm Hmmm. Alright kid, I’ll let you off with a—“
“Thank You!” Alex shouted back to the officer as he raced down the road to his house.
Pulling into his driveway, Alex hastily park his car and fumbled to the door, struggling to unlock it. Overjoyed that he had finally made it inside, he rush up the stairs tripping a few times with anticipation to the bathroom. Oddly satisfied that this day ended a lot better than any other day this week, Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.