Clare

17

“The sun rose and everything fell. With the barriers of yesteryear dismantled, a new day proves to make anew a young scholar.” - Alexander Q. Weebleton (founder of Weebleton University), 1912

Greetings prospective students! I'm Clarence Hoffman, director of admissions at Weebleton University, and I'm here to reiterate the many opportunities the University offers. Weebleton was founded in 1912 by Alexander Q. Weebleton as a school for double jointed males. Weebleton has has since grown to accept admission from all males, and, as of 1980, even females!

Weebleton offers a liberal arts education, with a particular emphasis on language and geometry. Forty percent of Weebleton classes are taught in Esperanto, and ten percent are taught in silence. Weebleton also has a heavy focus on geometry. In fact, geometry is the only math taught at Weebleton, because the professors here have long deemed it as the only math worth learning. Geometry at Weebleton, however, is not traditional geometry. Rather than study the hard exteriors and sizes of shapes, our geometry lessons explore what the shapes feel and what they might become. There are many specialized courses offered at Weebleton as well, including: "Philosphical Underpinnings of Tankinis", "Introductory Monopoly-Own It!", "A Case Study of the Film E.T.", "Dental Floss 101", and "Dramatic Singing of the Seinfeld Theme Song."

Many Weebleton grads have gone on to amazing things. Walter Meesley ('51), was the first person to swim from Texas to New Mexico. Nicole Literman, class of ‘76, wrote the very first cookbook for deaf people. Hannah Falsetto ('94), saw the actor Tom Cruise while on a family vacation, and he totally waved at her. These are just a few examples of the incredible lives launched with a Weebleton education.

Now that you know so much about this outstanding institution, we must inform you of our admissions policy. We do not accept the common app. We instead require one of the following: 1. a love letter written in your own blood, 2. an X-ray of your grandmother’s neck, or 3. the first page of every book you have ever read glued to a mannequin. You may ship these forms of application to: The House With The Really Big (don't worry, the post office will know what you mean). At 1.92%, our acceptance rate is in line with other scrupulously discriminating Universities.

We wish you the best of luck, and hope that one day you will become a Weebletonian and will join us in singing our beloved fight song: "Once he reached the portal to education, Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob".