Nathaniel

17

Sweet Pawn O’ Mine
“The sun rose and everything fell, and together, they then lived happily ever after. The End.
This has been Wordly Wonders with your host, Alex Kingsley. Informing you young ones, to change the future.”
“Cut, and print. Thank you Mr. Kingsley that’s a wrap for tonight. Thanks for coming out everybody, and I hope you all have a great summer.”
Good riddance, my ass was starting to get numb up here. Come on guys, would it honestly be so hard to get some padding on this plank? It’s starting to fuck up my posture here. Oh no, call the cavalry boys the makeup mob has arrived.
“Hey, Alex come here for a sec.” Thank Christ, there is a god, bless you Mr. Cellophane, who’s name I keep forgetting. I swear you must be the only director on this planet who still uses a god damn non-electric megaphone. We’re in a closed area ass-wipe just yell, I’m five fucking feet away. Oh, no, someone I’ve never seen before is walking towards me, which can only mean one thing,
“Hi, um, Mr. Kingsley would you mind if I could get your autograph?”
Of course, “Of course! Anything for you miss. What’s your name?” She didn’t respond, “Name, miss?”
“Oh, shit, um Cathy, my name’s Cathy.”
“Alright,” now just make sure you don’t fuck this up. Remembering how to write in cursive…forgot how to spell the “s,” fuck it. Nope, missed the “i” again, damn it, “Here you go.” Cute girl, she looks young enough to be an intern, but I wonder why I’ve never seen her here before? Can’t imagine why I didn’t ask her that.
“Alex!”
Right, hey maybe I’ll ask Mr. Megaphone over here. OW! Fucking-
“Great job tonight, Alex!” Motherfucker shouted right into my ear with that thing, “Likewise,” jackass.
“Aw shucks thanks for that, just another season in the bag right?” I’m jumping with joy right now fuck face, I can barely contain myself, “Yea, I can’t believe this. What are we on right now? Season two or three, you know I can never remember.” By the way who says shucks anymore? The guy’s like in his late twenties and he has the vocabulary of my diseased grandfather.
“Four, actually.”
I was close.
“So I wanted to ask, the crew is going out for drinks tonight and I was wondering if perhaps you’d might want to tag along with us? My guess is that you’re probably eager to get home now, so I’d understand if you didn’t-”
“You know, I think I could actually go for a drink right now.” Any time away from the raging pregnant beluga whale is always welcomed with open arms.
“Alright nice, see you there.”
Wow, this guy is dense beyond belief, “So where’s this place at?”
“Oh, right, that’d probably be helpful to know.”
Probably, yes, I’d would be inclined to think so,
“You know what, why don’t you just ride with me and we’ll go together?” Five minutes and already I feel like swallowing some lead, I can’t imagine what a state twenty minutes alone with this guy would leave me in. But it’s not like I can say no though, or maybe I’ll pretend to answer a really important phone call forcing me to get a ride somewhere else.
“Hey, hold on a second Alex, I have to take this.”
Motherfucker, talk about timing. I guess I could take the limo, pretty sure they wouldn’t mind dropping me off for a quick detour. With what I pay them they better not,
“Alex, you think you could get a ride somewhere else? Something came up and I can’t make it to the pub tonight, sorry man.”
“It’s no problem, don’t worry about it I’ll be fine.”
“Great, thanks Alex.”
I guess that resolved itself pretty smoothly. You know what? Maybe I could catch a ride with the intern girl, I’m sure she’d be psyched in having me tag along. Now I just have to find her, which is quite the daunting task. Everyone gets so eager to go home I’d be surprised if she’s even here. The season finale to this dog shit show and everybody heads for the hills before anyone has a chance to say goodbye. Perhaps it’ll be easier to take the limo. Fuck, you know maybe I’ll walk there just to shake things up a bit. It’s been a good long while since I’ve gone out for a decent stroll. The pub isn’t too far from here anyways I just checked it out on MapQuest, and maybe I’ll convince a few guys to go along with me.
“Goodnight Mr. Kingsley,” fuck I forgot his name, I’ll just wave in response. Actually, I think his name was Jim, or was it Jack, it starts with a “j” and that’s all I remember. Four seasons have gone by and I still haven’t remembered half of these people’s names yet, let alone what they do here. I’d say the closest I’ve been to anyone here has been the lady who does my makeup, but even then it’s mostly forced than anything else really. All she does is strap me down in the electric chair for a couple hours until she can get that one bit of my hair to stand upright against the grain.
“You going out with us tonight?” I guess he’s coming too, “Yea most likely. I think I might actually walk, it’s not far, plus, I’ll get to stretch my legs a bit.” Take the hint Jimbo, walk with me. I’m taking the initiative to start a genuine friendship here so don’t leave me hanging.
“Really? You know the area around here isn’t exactly the greatest right? I wouldn’t risk walking alone at this time of night.” Limo it is then, “Guess walking’s out of the question.”
“It’s not that hard to find, make a left out of the exit way and head straight until you see the bar called Patty’s.” Fun fact Jimmy, I can’t drive. Never took the time to learn, but it’s not like I ever wanted to anyways. I’m absolutely petrified of the idea of driving, “Will do, you know I can’t believe it has been four seasons already, honestly where does all that time go?”
“I really couldn’t tell ya, sir.” That’s the first time anyone has called me sir…I kind of like it. Makes me feel important, like I possess some form of authority. Or maybe he was just trying to be respectful, well I don’t care, and I’ll take any form of merit I can for reading children’s books all day for a living.
“Are you proud of what you do for a living, Alex?”
And with the swing of the bat and the ball makes contact, and like a meteor shot from across the very heavens itself the ball skyrockets straight towards the catcher at left field, “Say again?”
“I’m curious.”
“In what?”
“Do you like what you do?”
I read Clifford the Big Red Dog over a glorified Power Point slideshow to children who barely know how to clean themselves after they take a shit, “Absolutely.”
“I’m sure you get that question asked a lot.”
If you must know, no one’s had the balls to ask until now. “Welcome to the club.”
“So you really think you have an effect on the children who watch the show?”
Who the fuck is this guy? Maybe I’m on an episode of undercover boss, super sleuth edition, maybe the camera crew is actually working for CBS. Is that legal?
“I believe I have some creditable influence on the kids who watch it, yes,” informing you to change the future right? “Why do you ask?”
“Just curious,” better watch your step there Janny don’t tread on me now, “you have a very unique means of occupation.”
“It puts food on the table, so I can’t complain.”
“I would just think, maybe you’d have bigger, more, loftier goals in your life you’d be striving to achieve.”
I get paid ten times whatever you make in a week jackass, he does know who he’s talking to right? “I’m pretty happy where I am right now.”
“Yea, with a hefty paycheck like that I’d imagine anybody would be.”
“Agree to disagree, ultimately it’s about the kids here, not me.” Jesus fuck, you sound like Bono. Might as well hand him over your job why don’t ya? Imagine jubilant Jingus here boring kids to sleep while he reads Narnia. PBS might as well shift us over to the late night block after Between the Lions at three in the morning. Why the fuck do I know that?
“Right, the kids. You know my daughter watches this show all the time, and she’s so proud of the fact that her dad works on it too. She brags about it all the time to her friends at school.”
“Is that right?” Better watch out folks we got a new cowboy in town. Does he seriously think that I care? Millions of children watch the show daily, and they follow it like Catholics worship the Pope. I once saw a little girl, no older than ten years old, carrying around a jacket patch with my friendly face plastered on her sleeve. I have my own army to rally behind me, it’s ridiculous.
“Yea, it’s pretty crazy. Oh, let me show you a picture.”
Great, thanks pops it’s just what I’ve always wanted.
“That’s her in the middle here.”
“Huh, she’s pretty.” Brunette with a single streak of blue lining the right side of her hairline, boy, she must be a real asshole to her peers. I remember my boy Tyler getting bullied by someone like her once. Told him to fight back and all that, but I specified to make sure that she throws the first punch before he defends himself. Just to be safe he let her land two solid blows before he went ape-shit. I almost felt sorry for the little tramp.
“She’s gorgeous, well, not nearly as beautiful as her mother”
“Oh is that her there?”
I pointed to the only woman of seemingly legal age to fuck in the photo,
“Oh no, that’s her sister, Linda”
So where’s the Mrs.? There were a lot of kids in the photo, I counted about twelve before he pulled the picture away from me.
“Eve’s mother died giving birth.” After twelve kids I imagine any woman would.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” shit I forgot to ask his name again, “man.”
“Thank you, sir. But at least I have Linda, she keeps me pretty good company now.”
Right, my wife dies so I go screw her sister because I so desperately require a fuck buddy to distract me of the absurd amount of stress in raising twelve kids alone.
“I’m happy for you.”
Should probably start making my way out to the limo, “Well, I should probably start making my way out now. I guess I’ll see you at the bar then.”
“Right, yea, see you then.”
“Hey, I’m sorry, what’s your name again?”
“George,” fuck I wasn’t even close, “and yours?”
Ha ha you’re funny, “Alex, it’s been a pleasure talking to you George.” Damn he’s got sweaty palms, now don’t wipe them in front of him, just wait until he leaves. Fuck what time is it? It’s close to eleven now, hopefully I won’t stay out too late this time. I’ll just stick around for a quick drink or two, it’s time to celebrate. We’ve put up with this kiddy bullshit for four seasons now. I think that alone deserves some form of jubilation. Now if I can only get out of here without bumping into any other eager chatterboxes, I’d really appreciate it.
Damn it’s cold out here, hope the chauffer doesn’t take too long. I called him about fifteen minutes ago, where the fuck is he? Hopefully he didn’t head home for the night, most of the crew guys have already left by now. Well if he doesn’t get here soon I might as well head inside and call a cab. Fuck it, I’m too impatient. Good things don’t come to those who wait alone at a parking lot in the middle of ghetto central. Hello there, looks like somebody is pulling up beside me. They’re lowering down the window. I think I saw it come from around the building, so most likely it isn’t some mugger, at least I hope it isn’t.
“Hey there.”
Thank goodness, it’s the intern lady,
“Need a ride?”
“Yes I do, thank you Cathy,” hey give yourself a golf clap you remembered her name. The door handle is pretty stiff,
“Sorry, here let me.”
“Thanks,” it smells weird in here. It’s like bananas and cigarettes, the fucking- never mind I don’t want to know.
“You don’t have a car?”
“No, I usually take a limo or a taxi when I go out of town.”
“Where do you live?”
“It’s about a couple hours away from here, with no traffic I’d say about four hours.”
“Whoa, that’s quite a drive.” Shit, hopefully she can take me, it’s honestly no big deal though I can just call a cab, wait, “It’s honestly no big deal though I can just call a cab if it’s too much trouble.”
“No, no it’s fine I’ll drive you. I’m just not too fond of driving at night”
“That’s understandable.”
“So you’re not going to the bar with everyone else?”
Well I was but at this point I kind of lost my drinking appeal. Plus, I don’t want to come home to Shamu too drunk anyways, she’d kill me. Considering that her last husband was a raging alcoholic I don’t necessarily blame her. That’s not to say that I don’t agree with her over reaction to any form of an alcoholic beverage in the house. I mean she wouldn’t even let the stewards serve any sort of wine on our wedding day for Christ’s sake. I guess that was the moment when I really started to regret marrying her. That and when she refused to dance with me when we got married too, that one was fucked up.
“Nah, didn’t really feel like going. You know if you really not comfortable driving I can catch a cab, don’t worry about it.”
“It’s not every day that I get to drive home a celebrity, I’ll take you wherever you want to go Mr. Kingsley.”
“Please, call me Alex.”
“Alex.”
Hope you’ve got an interesting life story here, Cathy, because we’re going to be here for a while. Then again I suppose it’s better than trying to socialize with the middle-eastern cab driver trying to distract you with dry jokes in his god awful attempt to pronounce the English language coherently while he rides around in circles running the meter until he meets his daily quota.
“So how’s your day been, Alex?”
Well we’re off to a decent start,
“Pretty good so far.”
“Yea?”
“How about you?”
“I finally got to meet you in person, which has been the highlight of my year so far.”
Now hopefully I won’t distract her too far from her driving. I’d liked to get home in enough pieces to defend myself from the impending mental abuse from my beloved wife with a bun in the oven. And also I asked how your day was bitch, not your fucking year. That was mean, I’m sorry.
“I’m sorry.”
“What?”
Fuck,
“No nothing.”
Smooth,
“So where exactly do you live?”
“Just get on the interstate and I’ll tell you where to go from there.”
Actually, that’s about as much as I know how to get home. By this point I’d usually fall asleep and wait until my driver wakes me up to tell me we’ve arrived. I’m actually starting to get a little drowsy now that I’ve mentioned it. I think I’ll move the seat back a bit and get a little more comfortable. Now where’s that lever, alright I got it,
“Got a long day today?”
“Very.”
“A pretty demanding job, I’d imagine”
Christ not you too,
“Easier said than done.”
“You’re probably right. You go ahead and rest, I’ll wake you up if I need any directions.”
Sounds like a reasonable plan to me. Actually before I do let me turn my phone back on and check for any missed messages. Not like anybody ever takes the time to call me out of courtesy anyways. Whenever I do get a phone call, it’s usually my wife demanding that I bring home whatever obscure craving she’s developed in the past couple hours, and this was before the pregnancy. The only other person that ever calls me is my dad who occasionally checks in to see how I’m doing, like I’m fourteen again hanging out with my friends again. Poor guy, he’s so lonely now a days I’m actually compelled to feel sympathy towards him. The only highlight of his week is when he calls, and then after that it’s right back to scheduled medications and the 5000 piece jigsaw puzzles. Last time I came over he’d managed to complete one of the Brooklyn Bridge with the New York City skyline laying behind it in the background. And then I watched him tear it apart, brushed all the pieces back in its box and began starting another one with dancing pixies flying around a dog house during sunset.
So let’s see who the lucky caller was this time. Oh hello Apple, yes it’s nice to see you too, may I see if I have any missed phone calls? I do! Well hot damn it’s my wife, the hording horking whore. I’d like to see you try and say that ten times fast, Siri. Holy shit, twelve phone calls? You’d think she could live without the caramel flavored Ruffles for at least a couple hours more, by the end of the night they’re all gone anyways. Right, got a lot of voicemails in my inbox, I suppose I ought to start with the first one, embrace for impact.
“Oh great.”
“Something wrong?”
“My wife just called me like eight times, she’s going into labor as we speak.”
“Oh, congratulations!”
Right, sure, congrats you’re going to be a dad, again. What is this kid number five? I swear that bitch’s probably been poking holes in my condoms again, that’s how we had Zachary. The little fucker wasn’t supposed to be born until at least, at LEAST, six months after Hannah was born. She keeps going like this and I’m going to have to tie her tubes myself. In reality she’d probably die in childbirth before she decided to stop having kids on her own. Maybe I’ll scare her into quitting by making it seem like I’ve developed some STD or something. Hey, at least then I’d hit two birds with one stone. She would stop trying to have kids and leave me altogether, if I’m lucky she might even take all the kids with her. What the fuck is wrong with me,
“I better step on it.”
Please don’t,
“So is it a boy or girl?”
“Boy.”
We haven’t even discussed a name for the kid, poor thing’s going to get such a generic name like his siblings. I pray, will beg mind you, that in some way or fashion we collide in a head on collision and end my suffering already. The sweet embrace of death would spare me from eight months of screaming children and the deplorable stench of rotting feces that Zachary’s somehow managed to cram into his toy box again. The worst part is that it actually happened, oh god that was a nightmare. It’s a scene taken right out of a Stephen King novel, the baby antichrist comes running towards me through the hallways with literal shit smeared between his fingers at four in the morning. What toddler manages to stay up until four?
“Does he have a name yet?”
“Eric.”
“Nice.”
Don’t patronize me, it was the first thing that came to mind and you know it.
“Hey, you want to hear a funny story? It’s how my parents came to name me Cathy.”
“Sure.”
A part of me really wants to listen to your oh so captivating origin story of the unique name that is Cathy, but ultimately I just couldn’t care less, darling. So while you do that allow me to lay back and wonder how all of this, being my life, came to this current point in being. It all started, when I was born. From the moment I could be able to develop coherent thoughts and utter the most simplest of words I knew something wasn’t right. I always felt like there was a…
“So then when my mom got pregnant they thought that I was going to be a boy, and the doctor who scanned me fucked up and thought he saw something that wasn’t there. By that point my dad,”
‘Welcome to Derleston, birthplace of the brave and peanut farmers, please enjoy your stay.’ I’m fairly certain I don’t live there, fairly, actually no I’m very certain,
“Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I noticed that we just passed a sign saying that we’re now entering Derleston. I don’t actually live in Derleston just so you know.”
“I just wanted to get a quick gas fill before we head any further.”
“Right, ok sure.”
We still have a little more of half a tank left, I think we could make it. Then again perhaps it’s best that we arrive late. If I’m lucky she’d already given birth by now, it’d be such a relief to my hands and would spare myself a night long aneurism. Hey, if anything looks good maybe we could even get a bite to eat. Sure it’s kind of late but in my opinion the later the better, she’d be too tired to put up a fit about anyways.
“So as I was saying my dad put up such a fit about the fuck up…”
Here we go again, and I already lost my train of thought about what I was bitching about before. It was probably nothing important. Oh, it’s a nice night out, at least out here I can see a couple of the stars in the sky. The sky isn’t exactly pitch dark, it’s more like a really deep dark tint of grey. All the silhouettes of the trees contrast nicely against the twinkling stars plastered over the darkly grey walls. Holy shit am I bored. If I’m starting to observe and potentially sound like I’m beginning to cherish the greens then I must be losing my mind. Has she finished yet?
“And then my aunt went ahead and got the gun from her closet…”
I guess not, and we’re driving too slowly for me to throw myself out the door. Best case scenario is that she manages to run this relic right over my head. Maybe if she kept talking she wouldn’t even notice. That’d be a kicker, “Television host found decapitated on peanut farmer’s front lawn.” I’d be more famous than ever before, too bad I wouldn’t be able to bask in the glory. But it’s not like I’m entirely unknown today. I’d say a fair amount of people would be able to recognize me if I went out in public. I teach their kids how to read, if anything I’m doing half their jobs for them. I’m doing them a service god damn it. Just sit your shitters in front of the tube for half an hour and they’re bound to learn something from watching me, scout’s honor. Oh look, Taco Bell, come on let’s get some dysentery inducing pig slop that’ll keep me bent over the toilet for a few hours, or until one of us manages to call an ambulance to have our stomachs pumped, I’m game.
“So once she regained consciousness my dad came over to…”
Why did she just pass by the gas station? It didn’t look like it was closed. I saw a couple cars lined up to get gas too, heh get gas.
“Excuse me I-“
“Wait, I’m almost done.”
Don’t rush it man, the longer we take the better remember? To be perfectly honest I’m not sure that I’d want to spend my time in here listening to this babble for another three hours anyways. Perhaps it’s best that I just get home soon. There’s not much room to move in here, and I can barely get in any comfortable position as is,
“I’m sorry I-”
“BUT, she didn’t know that so he-”
“I need to get home, like right now, Cathy.”
Dear god I hope I didn’t piss her off, she’s my only ride home now. Maybe I should have just let her finish the stupid story,
“Oh shit, I’m so sorry Mr. Kingsley, I didn’t realize the time.”
“Cathy don’t worry about it, let’s just make it quick alright? It’s important that I get back as soon as possible.”
“Right, I know, fuck I’m sorry.”
“And I think you passed the gas station a couple blocks back where we came from.”
“Damn, I must be really losing it today.”
“It’s cool, we’re fine, and despite what I said, no hurry. All I want, is to get home in one piece, no matter how long it takes, alright?”
“Okay, I’ll do my best.”
Alright, and now, hopefully we’re back on track. You know what- never mind, bottom line I should get home now. All she’s got to do is turn around, get some of that sweet gasoline, and we’re on our way. There’s some nice houses around here, a lot of open space for the kids, pretty secluded from the industrial areas, I kind of like it. To think, someone like me actually grew up in a place like this. We once had a lot of farmland, I’d occasionally help out with the horses sometimes, and groom them every once in a while. And cows, well one cow, we had a cow that used to roam around the fields behind the house. I’m not entirely certain how we obtained the cow, and I don’t think my folks ever told me either, interesting. Truly a mystery we may never uncover, perhaps we are not capable to handle the truths of such a phenomenon. But by god could that beef stack kick, you couldn’t milk the thing. No matter how hard we tried, that thing would not let us get anywhere near its udders. The closest I’d ever gotten to them, I received a hoof right to my baby face. The entire upper row of my teeth were completely taken out. I came stumbling inside the kitchen with a mouthful of blood and teeth that I just spewed out right into the sink. Luckily they were all just baby teeth but by lordie did it hurt like a motherfucker. Good times, yep, good times indeed.
And best part of all, we still haven’t turned around, what the fuck. Lady, are you deaf? This is a legitimate question and I must know. The fate of my sanity hangs in the balance. Do you understand?
“Cathy?”
“Mm?
“The gas station is back a ways, you know.”
“Yea, I know, but this is a shortcut.”
“Ah.”
Shortcut my ass, that sounds weird. But seriously shortcut to where? All I see is open country, and the further you’re taking us the greener it gets. It’s getting awfully late, what time is it? Holy, it’s about a quarter past twelve, my wife is going to kill me. Well honestly that should be the least of my worries, right now I should be concerned with the mental capabilities of my driver at the current moment. Cause I’m very, no, positively certain that the country roads do not lead to anywhere remotely close to the concrete freeways. Wow, I mean what do I say? Hey stop the car, I demand that we turn around immediately! No that’s too blatant, that might turn her off and she’d just might kick me out. What if I ask where the road leads to and then slowly piece my way back into the topic of getting back home as quickly as possible. Although I did tell her to pace herself. But for fuck’s this is getting ridiculous it’s almost one o clock in the morning!
“Listen-“
She turned the headlights off, why on earth would she turn the headlights off? There aren’t even any street lights around let alone any other sort of reliable light sources for that matter. Okay now I’m legitimately becoming terrified. Lord above, she’s speeding up like, she’s revving up this fucker. Woahly, jeeze we’re going fast. We are going to crash, there’s no doubting that I’m doomed for. Listen, I was only joking about the whole sweet embrace of death thing, alright? I get bored extremely easily, I say whatever comes to mind I don’t actually put any conscious thought into what I think. That doesn’t make sense.
“Hey Alex?”
This bitch, “Why did you turn off the headlights, Cathy?”
“Alex?”
“Cathy, why are you speeding up? I can barely see the road.”
“Alex?”
Say my name on more time I swear, “Cathy.”
“Alex.”
“For Christ’s sake stop the fucking car Cathy right now!”
GOD damn, she stopped alright. Slammed the brakes so suddenly, my chest is starting to hurt from the impact of the seatbelt preventing my head from caking the dashboard,
“Alex?”
I think I might kill her myself, this bitch is absolutely insane. God, I can’t see anything in front of us, it’s all black. Let me see if I can turn on one of the lights from inside the car. Damn, why aren’t they turning on?
“Alex?”
“I think I’ll call a taxi, now.”
Door won’t budge. Ow, bright light, wait. Are those our headlights? All I see is the rain fall. Fuck- my shoes are soaking wet. Are we sinking? No wait, I can see the sky, and- oh. That’s not rain. We’re in water, I think we’re actually sinking. Okay, calm down, while you may face imminent death right in the face you spit back in defiance right? No you panic like the pussy you are, Alex. Face it, this is the end, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. She’s managed to lock the doors somehow and I sincerely doubt that I possess the necessary leg strength to shatter a car window.
“Alex?”
“What the fuck do you want?”
“I love you.”
Maybe I can bash the glass through with something heavy. What’s around here anyways? Let me take a look at the glove box.
“Did you hear me?”
To be perfectly honest I think I’d much prefer finding something big enough to bash this fucking psycho’s brains in. Thinks she can drag me to the bottom of the barrel does she? Well I have a thing or two to say about that now don’t I? Alright what’s in here, driver’s manual, cigarettes, oh I could go for one right about now. Damn it focus, your life is at stake here. Cigarettes, papers, passport, vibrator, oh my god there’s a gun in here.
“I love you.”
I think I’ve had enough of your bullshit lady. I hope you can swim well, wait a minute, no I don’t. Dear god this thing had better be loaded, so you just aim and shoot right? It’s like in the movies, except its real and there’s actual stakes. No sense in stalling any longer, just squeeze the trigger and just swim, you can swim right? Actually no, I never bothered to learn. Well I guess all of my regrets are coming full circle, just a movie, right? Shut up, and shoot already god damn it, okay, here we go. Oh, I hope it’s not too loud.
Bang!
Wait, no bang, is it not loaded? Shit, wait check the clip, that’s where the bullets are right? Now how do you unload it?
“You see that little lever thingy right next to your thumb? Yea, just push that in.”
Pushed, there we go. And of course I drop what might be my only chance of survival on the fucking floor. Now let’s take a look inside, bullets are shiny right? I don’t see anything shiny inside here, it’s entirely hollow. Maybe she has a box of them lying around here somewhere, I haven’t checked the console yet, either.
“Don’t bother, Alex. I don’t have any ammo lying around here.”
Nobody asked you, just give me a chance, suppose you accidently dropped one around here? Crap, the water’s already up to my knees. Okay that panicky feeling is starting to settle in, don’t break down please not now,
“I love you, Alex.”
“Would you please! I-”
My, that was unexpected. Actually considering the situation I’m in I’d say anything goes at this point. Koo Koo Cathy here just wrapped both arms around me and just went for a big old sloppy wet kiss. She’s still doing it actually, ew I can taste her saliva. Ugh, she’s poking her tongue inside my mouth, god I hate French kissing, absolutely unsanitary. That’s enough, that’s enough, I have had enough of this shit.
Crack.
That, must have hurt, real bad. Did I knock her out? I threw her back and her head smacked the window pretty hard. Ooh I think I see some blood there too. It even managed to make a crack. Wait, a crack, that’s it! That’s my chance! My one way ticket to surviving this! Fuck this, mama I’m coming home!

Guess it took some time but I finally did it. Seems like instinct just kicked in and I just smashed my way out of that death trap. Her head was pretty durable, I’ll give her that much. I’m surprised that her noggin didn’t give in before the window did. Poor thing must have passed out after the third or fourth strike on the glass. Looking back now I don’t see why I didn’t use the pistol to break my way out. Oh well, it was in the heat of the moment and it seemed like the best course of action at the time. Got to catch my breath for a minute, I’m just going to sit at the edge of what seems to be a marsh, in these poor lighting conditions I can’t really tell. The rear bumper of the car is sinking away, and so goes Cathy as well. I probably should have tried to save her too…na. I don’t think that would have been very wise. It was in self-defense anyways, I’m not the one at fault here. You know I think it’s about time I called a cab now, probably should have just done that to begin with. She seemed nice enough, but, I’m starting to think that she wasn’t an intern. I would have remembered a pretty face like that. Now where’s my phone, oh please don’t tell me I left it in the car, fuck, I did. Guess it’s time for me wander through peanut country in the middle of the night. It’s funny, at the end I’m finally going to get to stretch my legs after all. Unfortunately I’m not entirely certain where we came from, so I suppose I’m just going to have to pick a direction and hope for the best, cause all I see is dumb bum country land.
There’s a lot more stars visible in the countryside than in the city. I know it’s because of pollution and all that crap, but damn that’s a lot of stars. I wonder if Jennie’s given birth yet, she most likely has. Kind of sucks that I wasn’t there, but hey, wasn’t my fault. I wonder if she’s already named him yet, I don’t think she’d do that without me present. Then again who knows, she’s unpredictable like that. Although after tonight I have the feeling that she’s probably never going to want to speak to me again. Despite all the shit I give her, I really do love her deep down. We just quarrel a lot, and to be perfectly honest I don’t know what I’d do without her. I wasn’t any happier than before I met her. She just sparked some excitement in my life so I just rolled with it. When she told me her background and the kind of place she grew up in, I just kind of felt sorry for her. Ugh, I’m becoming too sentimental for my own good. Right now I should just focus on finding a payphone, or at the very least finding some sign of industrial development around here. I don’t know the more I think about it, the more I’m beginning to regret not being there for her. She depends on me, poor thing. The way she talks about me to her friends you’d think that I’m some kind of role model for her too. A superhero of sorts that swept her off her feet and introduced her to the life of vanity and leisure. No, that's giving myself too much credit. Other than the fact that I’m one foot taller than her, I really think that she looks up to me as an aspiring role model. That was bad, oh who fucking cares.
Hey, I think I see a street light in the distance. Won’t know for sure if I don’t go there I suppose. Great, more walking for me. I wonder what Zachary’s expression was like when he saw his baby brother for the first time. No doubt he was pretty psyched about that, he’s not going to be the youngest sibling anymore. He may not get as much attention now, but I think the fact that he’s not the baby of the family anymore will surpass that feeling pretty quickly. Shit, nine months and I still haven’t thought of a decent name for the new kid. Well for sure it’s not going to be Eric, I will personally see to that it doesn’t. Perhaps now that I have some time to myself I can come up with a decent name for the little guy. Now let’s see, what’s a good name for a boy? Maximillian sounds pretty cool right? No, that’s too pretentious. Gary, George, Gabriel, Franklin, no, no, no, and no. Justin doesn’t sound too bad, yea, maybe I’ll go with that. When I get there, I’ll see if the Mrs. is okay with that. She probably won’t like it, but I doubt she has any better ideas. Knowing her, she’s probably going to want to give it her great grandfather’s name, Victor. She’s been pushing for that one for a while now, no pun intended. Fuck it, that was intended and I’m proud of it. It’s not like I can ever come up with good shit on the fly anyways. Everything I ever say and do is prewritten and determined beforehand, I’m just a pawn, and a good looking one at that too. Remember what happened when you tried to ad lib with the sixth grader? Nothing, and that’s exactly the point. Cut, stick to the script asshole that’s what we pay you for. If I want improve I’ll go to the Comedy Club for a good chuckle before I choke and spill my martini after I have the underage waitress come waddle over in her skin tight skirt and serve me another one. We’re milking this shit man, and you’re the cow supplying it’s udders you worthless spineless expendable pawn. We got another couple thousands of people exactly like you, just sucking our dicks to get the chance for twelve minutes of dismissible screen time you miserable fuck.
Oh look a house, the lights are on too. Well I could go chase after the street light or I could shuffle over and see if I could use their phone for a few minutes. Yea, I think I’ll go with the second option. More walking, more thinking, doesn’t get any better than this really. Honestly if I had a psychiatrist take look of a transcript of my thoughts he just might pronounce me utterly insane and throw me in the asylum before he gets a chance to notify my family. I wonder if that’s how everyone’s thoughts works. Just a constant feed of information being channeled through our brains in milliseconds at a time. So much thought, and within a matter a minutes they’re completely forgotten and lost forever. A shame really, I would really like to go back and look over what I’ve thought in my life so far. Although if I got a hold of that, I’d probably never finish the damn thing. When’s the last time I’ve completely read an entire novel cover to cover? Reading children’s books to my kids doesn’t exactly count, so I’d have to say it was my English summer reading project from senior year. Of Mice and Men was the name of it, so short, and I never got beyond the second chapter. If I really wanted to I could probably finish it in an afternoon. With a couple cups of coffee and some light piano music in the background it would most likely be a really relaxing experience. Let bygones be bygones I suppose. Hold on, I don’t think that was the proper use of that idiom. Whatever, who’s going to correct me anyways. Damn, it’s freezing, I can see my own breath. That reminds me when I used to pretend I was smoking when I was a kid. I went up to my mom one time with a rolled up bit of paper and simulated the action of smoking during winter, and she went absolutely bonkers. Serves me right I suppose, to be fair she was an advent smoker, but I guess she just didn’t want her son to follow the habit. I thought it was pretty clever myself.
I just realized that I never tell any of these stories to my own kids. You’d think they’d be the most knowledgeable people concerning my childhood. Christ I don’t think I’ve ever told my wife any of these either. I suppose I shall have to remedy that. All this time to myself, and I think I actually find it pretty therapeutic. Never mind seeing my shrink once a week, this is the way to vent, excluding all of the near perilous aspects of it, obviously. All my shrink and I ever talk about is my sex life, like that is the central key to resolving all of my calamities. Fuck that, just take a stroll through the park in the morning and just enjoy life. Hey, I should get my family a puppy, now wouldn’t that be a swell thing to do? Like, right before I come home, I just bring a cute little baby Labrador to celebrate. Although I would have to consult with the Mrs. first, and oh, that’s right Hannah allergic to dogs, fuck. Plus, dogs require a lot of attention that I would most likely get stuck with anyways. Prepare to shovel shit for ten years why don’t ya? Cats are pretty bitchy, although they are insanely adorable. I know, how about a goldfish? They don’t need too much attention right? We have a pond out back, maybe I can get a fuck ton of koi fish and surprise everyone after I get back. You just shovel some fish food at them every once and awhile and they’ll be good. I like that plan, I will most certainly get on that. Okay, finally made it at the house.
Knock knock, who’s there? All things considered this place must look like a pretty quaint little farmer’s house in the day. But right now, at like two in the morning it looks like something straight out of the mind of Tobe Hooper. I don’t see any car parked around the place so I hope to god almighty this geezer has a functioning telephone. Any day now, the lights were on so I’m willing to assume that you’re still awake whoever’s in there. Maybe he’s getting his weapon of choice. This guy’s going to gouge my throat out with a meat hook isn’t he? I should probably stand a few feet away from the door just to be safe. Open…maybe sometime, anytime soon?
“Who is it?”
Disembodied voice which sounds like the owner’s an elderly peanut farmer, I hope,
“Yes, ah, I’m lost and I was wondering if I could use your phone to call a cab and drive me home. It would just be for couple minutes, I won’t take too much of your time I promise.” No response, couple minutes passed and still no response,
“Is that a no then?”
Still nothing, wait never mind someone’s unlocking the door. What took you so long, asshole?
“You said you wanted to use a phone?”
Door still isn’t opened, but it’s opened just a bit for someone to whisper through. But if they did that, why didn’t they just leave the door unlocked and crack it open a bit and speak then? I could easily just-
“That’s right, I hope I didn’t wake you. I just need to use it for a moment.”
“Fine, fine, that’s fine, come right in. Eh, what’s your name?”
“Alex.”
“Alex what?”
“Alex Kingsley, sir.”
Why did I say sir? People say sir to me, not the other way around,
“Alright, Alex come right in. Mind your step, it’s a little messy around here I apologize.”
“Oh your fine.”
Holy mother of god, I need a minute. He opened the door just a tad wider, then a sudden waft of the aroma inside the house just hit me like a brick wall. It’s so bad, like, I can’t even, I need to sit down for a second. Wow, that’s bad. It’s like a mixture of feces with something else, but it’s tangy and I can taste it on my mouth. Jesus, that’s fucking intense.
“You coming?”
“I’ll be right there.”
I don’t know if I can do this. Fuck, this is my only chance to get home and I’m not going to let it pass me by god damn it. Take a deep breath and just go for it, it’s like the manure from the farm back home remember? Right but that was like two decades ago, I barely remember the smell to begin with. Not to mention, this is significantly worse than anything I’ve ever smelled before, like seriously. Alright, here we go. Turns out that smell came from the dining room, dear lord this guy does not clean his house for shit. I can barely walk two paces before having to step over something. It’s not even like stuff that typical hoarders stuff inside their houses, the floor is mostly covered in either plates or knick knacks. So, many, knick knacks it’s fucking weird. Just follow the old man, Alex, get it over with. Okay I see a phone, it looks somewhat modern, whatever, I’ll take what I can get at this point.
“Oh, thank you.”
Grab the phone now, just start dialing your wife’s number. You should probably check in with her before you call a taxi. Now what was it again? Don’t fail me now memory, you better have that number stored in there somewhere. To start I don’t even hear the tone ringing, is thing even on? Press a few numbers and let’s see what happens, nothing. Alright let me try to call my home phone. Nothing, not even a voice message.
“I don’t think this phone is working.”
“Well I never said it worked, I got a phone and that’s my phone, never said it worked now did I?”
Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fucking what is so hard about meeting someone who has at least, at the very least, half a working brain that I can effectively communicate with? And now he’s laughing, right in my fucking face the fuckface is laughing right in my face.
“Are you a peanut farmer?”
“Yea what of it?”
“That explains a lot.”
“How do you mean?”
“Explains why you’re so fucking nuts, get it? Now that’s something to laugh about you batty fuck!”
Great, now we’re both laughing. Two hapless and hopeless wastes of space just sharing a good old hearty laugh early in the morning. Perfect image here. Witness harmony at its finest ladies and gentlemen, beauty, absolutely sublime, flawless fortunate fortuity. And I don’t even know what fortuity means! But it make me sound smart now don’t it? I don’t got an education, you think I’m where I am today because I read well? No you moron! I have the reading level of a fourth grader, and half the times we can’t even get through a shoot because I can’t properly pronounce “intellectual” without clapping out each syllable like I’m in the fucking second grade! But it’s been worth it, it’s all been so worthwhile and you want to know why? Because without my position, I might have never met this fine gentleman right here. He’s just the funniest, so absolutely and genuinely funny. Perfect comedic timing, nothing like it, this man’s the next C.K. no doubt about it. I’d sign him on to his own show if I could. On the fucking spot right now, hand this man a pen and sign the blood sucking contract and sell your soul to the television hacks right now Mr. Miser, you’re gonna be a millionaire!
SMASH
Then that happened, and the crowd goes dead silent. That’s the second time today I’ve smashed someone’s head in with glass. The first time was in self-defense, and it can be argued that I did it the second time for the very same reasons as well. If you must know your honor, I was defending my sanity. Now that the real threat has been neutralized, I can finally focus on more pressing matters. Such as finding out where the fuck this guy keeps his mutilated victims, because there is absolutely no way this old fart does not keep a corpse or two hidden around this place. But first, let’s check and see if he’s got any loose cash on him, because guess what? My wallet’s soaked and all my cash is drenched beyond recovery. This day just keeps getting better and better. I can’t imagine how Mrs. would even begin to digest any of this. Honesty is the best policy, right, like that’s going to spare me the wrath of a thousand tongues. Ugh, I just realized that my hands are soaked in blood. I’m going to wipe them off your bathrobe if you don’t mind Mr. Serial Rapist, not like you’d mind anyways right?
Oh look what I found in his pockets, peanuts. Well that just writes itself now doesn’t it? A true comedic genius, far ahead of his time by leaps and bounds. I wonder how they taste. Big surprise they taste like peanuts, except really stale. Yuck, and they’re bitter for some reason too. Probably shouldn’t have eaten those, who knows how long he’s been keeping those in there. So what’s next? Good question, nothing’s come to mind yet. And unless I find the keys around here I doubt he owns a working vehicle, I mean he didn’t have a functioning telephone. Keep walking? That’s most likely what it’s going to come to, but I’m not exactly fond of continuing to aimlessly wander through pitch darkness for another hour or two. But I’m bound to find the main road right? That dirt path ought to lead somewhere. It’s a reasonable assumption.
Wait, I think I heard something.
It came from upstairs, I think. Some sort of scratching or rustling came from the ceiling over the dining room. Check it out right? No, high tail it out of here and cut your losses. But what if there’s someone chained up there? Maybe there’s a young girl who’s been kept as a personal sex slave to the geezer in order to satisfy his oddly specific fetishes which no woman has ever willingly been able to appease in his lifetime. What do you think the fetish could be? Maybe he’s really into noodles, yea, that’s it. Noodles. Noodle porn, the only fetish which the internet has failed to extensively cover to satisfy Popeye’s needs. Genius, let’s walk upstairs now, and get this over with. I feel like the longer I stay in this house the more I’m beginning to lose my mind, and getting rid of the grandpa has merely halted the process momentarily. Shag carpet over the stairs, comfy. Or at least, I’d think it’d feel comfy, I don’t think I want to take my shoes off to find out. More shuffling, deal me in baby. Huh, two story house, with wallpaper too. My, when’s the last time I saw wallpaper. Not very well plastered either, there’s a lot of air bubbles sticking out. Must have put them in himself, and pretty recently too. I don’t see any tearing or signs of wear in any corner of the walls. Guess they still manufacture wallpaper. Or maybe he keeps a ton of it stored somewhere around this place. More shuffling, yea yea I’m coming just give me a sec. Not like you’re going anywhere anytime soon, dollface. Okay I’ve made it to the second floor, but there’s a door. So what’s the problem, well, problem is that it’s locked. But good news, sorta. When I tried the knob the shuffling got even louder. So that indicates that whatever’s behind this door knows that I’m coming. Interesting, now that I think about it I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing. Hesistant? Yes. But the show must go on, now bust the door down.
“Hey! Is someone in there?”
The shuffling stopped.
“Listen, the door’s locked. I’m gonna break it down, so whoever’s behind the door stand back.”
Halt! Let’s take a step back for a minute. That little voice of reason is starting to speak up in the back of my head, so for once, I’m going to give it the floor. First of all, why are we assuming that there’s someone that needs my help? Wouldn’t it be more reasonable to assume that perhaps, possibly, there’s the remote chance where-
Sorry, patience is so worn beyond reasonability right now I couldn’t give less than a single coherent thought anymore. So the door’s broken down, that’s new. Can’t quite remember how but apparently I did it, so, kudos to me. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe I hear someone whispering in there. The entire place is pitch dark so I can’t accurately tell whether or not it’s coming from my head or from inside the room. That’s not good, I should be able to discern something like that pretty easily. But at this very moment, I’m just not sure anymore. The whispering’s getting louder, now it’s screaming, and my ears are starting to ache. My eyes are adjusting to the poor lighting, finally. Apparently the entire second floor to this house is a bedroom, interesting choice of design. You know, if there wasn’t a shrieking middle aged woman curled up in the right corner, I’d say this place has a pretty symmetrical layout from my point of view. Two lamps on either side of the queen sized bed, along with two wardrobes on both sides too. No bathroom though, that’s weird. I guess if gramps has got to take a leak he needs to stumble downstairs every time huh? That sucks. Oh my god, I see a telephone, I think. Mrs. Milf over there has something pressed to her ear, and I’m very certain she isn’t adjusting her hearing aid.
“Ms., would you mind if I used your phone for a minute? I need to make an urgent phone call and is imperative that I-“
“Get back!”
Poor thing must be terrified, don’t care, I just need to make one call for one moment.
“I’ve already called the police, they’re on their way right now!”
“Just, five minutes, ma’am.”
She ain’t budging is she? Goody! Smash some glass again? Guess not. Fine, looks like I’ll have to take it by force. Real sorry ma’am, but this is too important to let you fuck me over. Just let go, I’m not letting go, so you better do it first. Damn, you’ve got some real grip there lady. Any second now, I know you can’t hold on to it forever, no don’t bite. I’ll bite back, believe me, I’m unpredictable right now. You keep tempting me and I just might take a big slab right off them cheeks. Got it, about time too. What time is it now?
“Ma’am, what is this?”
Yes, giggle uncontrollably like your unconscious looney husband did downstairs.
“Wait, what is this?”
I suppose now I’m the bumbling idiot right? Of course! How ignorant of me.
“Where’s the phone? This is important!”
Forgive me for mistaking the potato for a cellular device, Ms., trust me it was not my intention to insult you. Unresponsive, now she’s just looking away into the doorway without a care in the world. I bet she’s pissed that I busted her door down right?
“Danny!”
And she’s off, without a word of warning she’s darted away into the dark abyss of this god forsaken household. Why the hell am I still holding this thing? There’s a window right across the bedroom stairs, and I’m going to chuck this thing right into it. Alright, I’ve overstayed my welcome here. Guess it’s time to continue the aimless pilgrimage across this abandoned wasteland. Down the stairs we go then. Hello again, yes don’t worry I’ll be leaving now. Continue to cradle your sack of fungus and potatoes by the dining table ma’am, believe me I don’t intend to take up anymore of your time. Your husband’s still lying unconscious in the other room there ma ’dam, just saying. Not like I give a shit anyways, it’s probably in your best interest that he remains there anyways. T-T-Y-L crazy lady, you going to wave back or what? No? Content with them potatoes then huh? Don’t blame you, not in the slightest. I wish I had my own sack of potatoes to cradle my way to sleep every night. I suppose we can’t have everything can we? My lord, is it dark out. Absolute and total jet ink darkness, from the very first step near the front door and onwards. Put your right leg in, then take your left leg out, and run. Fade. To. Black. I can’t hear my own breath any longer.

“Alex stared at the door knob and slowly turned the key.

An explosion of colors, the bright mind of illusive ecstasy, exposed to the world beyond and the dark reaches which remain determined to be forever hidden. Never again could he have thought, not I, only he, could comprehend the rambling of Arthur Stewart. Those dismissive statements would have continued their ceaseless endeavor into a forgotten mysticism.

Alex felt the burn of Aguirre, unpredictable, unforeseen, an absolute circumstance of opportunity. Check please.”

Was that my voice? *Cough* was that really my voice?
Where am I? It’s all white, my clothes are white, the ceiling’s white, this bed is white, and the walls are white. Am I dead? I might as well be, this looks like heaven to me. Not in the paradise way though, I just mean that it look too white to be any place other than heaven. Or you know maybe we got it wrong and hell is actually white and heaven’s just a rave with every color imaginable, an endless party until kingdom come. That’s a good name for a night club, The Kingdom Come, we party all day and night until kingdom come. I like that. But seriously where am I, this isn’t funny anymore. Wait, I think I saw my wife! She’s looking through something, but I can’t quite see right. My vision’s still a little fuzzy. Just get up and go to her, she’s waiting for you. Well alright, hopefully she’s forgiven me on the whole missing out our fifth son’s first birthday and all. Most likely not, so prepare your anus for the most intense reprimanding of your life bro. Okay I’m up, so I’m going to head straight for her face, no distractions now. Go, and head for the head, the floaty orb that resembles your wife’s head Alex. Almost there, now reach out and grab the door handle, reach you almost got it, that’s right. Closer, got it, now turn.
GASP
“Sir, I need you to take deep breaths, don’t try to sit up we got you.”
Hi Mr. Blue man, you’re blue cause you dress funny. Huh? I think I asked this question already but, where am I? Wait, but I can’t breathe, there’s something in my mouth.
“Sir, just relax.”
I’m coughing up water, what? No way, why am I spewing water from like every orifice on my face right now?
“You were in a near death accident-”
“Alex, his name’s Alex.”
Wait, that wasn’t my voice. Again, déjà vu here, anybody want to help me out? Who the fuck is Arthur Stewart? Honey?
“Alex, baby it’s going to be okay, just listen to them alright? Take deep breaths baby.”
I’m more concerned on comprehending what’s going on right now. Oh, she’s still got the baby bump, did she not deliver? Well it’s not really a bump per say, more like a mountain from my perspective. Or maybe she did and just had another kid with someone else while I was out, that’s entirely plausible too. But I think I’ll go with the former, looks like I didn’t miss out after all! Second chances, bitches! I get em cause I need em more than you? Who? You two that’s who!
“I can stand.”
“No sir, just lie down.”
“I’m fine, I’m fine just help me up.”
Aw, they wrapped a blankie over me that was nice of them. Aw and my wife came over to snuggle with me, how sweet.
“I was scared, baby.”
“Me too darling, me too.”
Something’s got my leg, no, both my legs.
“Kids!”
Great. I mean, Great! Aren’t you guys a sight for sore eyes.
“How long was I out?”
“We just found you today, baby.”
“Where?”
She’s pointing at something, but I can’t quite, oh I see. It’s that marsh, got ya. So no potato lady huh? Just a figment of the old noggin right? Well I’m relieved.
“Can we go home now?”
“Yea, we can. Ready to go home kids?”
“Yea!”
And in unison they chant, ice cream ice cream! Like it’s some sort of ritual of their, damn buggarts. Their so adorable though, I can’t stay mad at them forever. Mmm it’s nice and snug in here. You know I’m surprised they managed to find me. I guess all is well that ends well, I suppose. But I guess in the end it didn’t really make much sense did it?
Alex stared at the door knob and slowly turned the handle.