Ellington

17

The sun rose and everything fell in London; babies, people, artifacts,trees, cats, dogs, baby Jesus. It never made sense to me why the buildings never fell on Fall Day, such a wretched day. This was the day when all of London knew Fall was coming to settle, I hated the date along with others of course. My tea had spilled on my shirt; oh the agony. I’d say I was having a rather splendid start to fall day being burned by hot tea and being crushed by tons of furniture. I lifted myself up and looked around, my shack was completely trashed. There was a rustle somewhere in the back of the room and I remember my best mate Alex had stayed the last few weeks at my shack with me in preparation to Fall Day. Of course he has family he could go to like his insane mother who tried to kill him with a beach towel and a loaf of bread. Alex was a ginger and his mom was superstitious so of course she thought her baby had Satan in him. Which was pretty foolish because when I joined their Thanksgiving dinner his mother dyed her hair red. She also through the turkey knife at Alex, crazy wench that one is. I’d never say that aloud because Alex is defensive for her and she might pop and attack me with bread. Anyway, Alex couldn’t stay at his house either. Alex is rather wealthy and he decides to spend the bulk of his wealth of massive sculptures of superheroes. His mansion is an emporium of action-statues. They’re awfully detailed too, so you can see the body imprints beneath the ultra tight spandex each hero has-most of them are guys. I don’t know why anyone would want that to surrounding them everyday, but Alex is a strange man. I was quite the money maker myself I just spent on much more important things.
Alex was buried under a pile of my extensive, um, “literature” collection.
“Mate are you alright?” I asked. Alex said nothing he just pushed his hand out with a thumbs up. I glanced around again in disgust of my ruined shack. The length of time to clean this place was ungodly. I started cleaning for a while and made my way to the living room and saw my couches overturned and my telley was face down still playing SpongeBob that I left on this morning. Alex came trudging in exhausted for an odd reason.

“Hey, you’ve got quite a collection of literature,” Alex said, he seemed out of breathe “If you weren’t my best mate I’d call you a pervert.”

I looked at him suspiciously and realized he was exhausted from enjoying my “literature.” That must be why he took so long to get out of the pile of my extensive collection, the strain of getting out of magazines shouldn’t have been that heavy. How dare he judge me? Alex’s face got deadly serious and he rarely gets serious, obviously this guy collects 8 feet statues of men in spandex. His eyes were resting on the telly. I trace his eyes and saw he was looking at a small furry tail barely wagging under my tv. I screamed as loud as I could.
“NO!!”
I rushed to the television and pulled off of my sweet companion Puggles, my adorable pug. Once fat, he now has a physically impossible body structure, his round pudgy body was rectangular. It was like watching Tom and Jerry and how they were crushed by items and flattened, only this was real and Puggles wasn’t going to get up and chase a mouse-he’s a dog.
“I can’t believe this. Why Puggles, he was so young! he was just a pup.”
“Just to be clear he was like 12 in dog years. That’s like late 60’s in human years. I’d say he had it coming to him.” Alex said, I glared at him with red puffy eyes.
“Sorry, sorry,” he said raising his hands in submission.
“Why? It should’ve been Alex- no, It should’ve been Alex’s mum.”
“Hey you leave my lovely mum alone.”
“She tries to murder you every time you see her.”
“Patricia is still my mother Henry.”
“Shhh! Don’t say her name out loud,” I said looking around frantically, half expecting her to pop out my dead dog. Which reminded me of my dead Puggles and I began to tear up again.
“Hey now, hey now Henry. It’ll be ok. Puggles may have been a crazy mutt but he’s a dog nevertheless. You know what they say about dogs right mate?” Alex said trying to cheer me up.
“That..all dogs g-go the heaven?” I sobbed and sniffled.
“That’s right mate Puggles doesn’t deserve heaven but that’s where he’s goin’, Just like the movie.”
“I’ve never seen the movie,”
“Wait what?”
“I’ve never seen the movie so I don’t know what you mean.”
“It doesn’t matter let’s clean your shack up Henry, I’ll bury the mutt.
“He’s not a mutt! He’s a person too like you and I.”
“Whatever,” Alex sniffed and picked up Puggles and went towards the backyard. I mourned for a few more minutes and I recovered enough to start cleaning my upside-down house. I started with my shelves for my literature collection and put them back up on the wall. The shelves went from ceiling to floor and covered every wall in the room. It was a lot of shelves to put back up and usually my literature helps relieve plenty of stress but I just wasn’t feeling it today. I hear Alex come back in and start cleaning or at least I hoped he was cleaning- or even knew how. He’s had maids to pick up after him since birth. In the next 3 hours i had almost restored all of my shelves, I decided to take a break and went to the kitchen for a drink and a sandwich. Alex was already there eating up all of my leftover fish and chips from the other day, I didn’t mind because leftover chips are quite gross to me. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of milk and sat there chatting with Alex until he had to use the bathroom.
“Give me a sec, I gotta use the loo.” he said. I nodded and he walked out, I was finishing my milk when I heard Alex yell out, causing me to spew my milk.

“AGH! My arse!”
“Alex, mate, go easy on that toilet, man.” I joked.
“I didn’t even make it to the loo yet Arthur, come help me.” He growled.
“You don’t need help foolish wanker,” something said. I froze halfway to the bathroom,
“Alex you got someone in there with ya mate?” I asked. He didn’t answer. I raced down the hallway and saw Alex standing still in shock, staring at my door.
“Well I must be all dolled up today the way you’re staring at me Alex honey”
“Who said that?” I asked.
“Well I did of course,” it spoke again. I found myself looking at a door and I suppose the door was talking.
“So my door can talk?” I asked
“Wrong, your doorknob can talk,” the doorknob said.
“What kind of voodoo bullsh-” Alex said in awe.
“Mate, I’m just as lost as you,”
“Well, it’s not that hard to grasp. Your doorknob can talk, nothing too out of the ordinary.” the handle said.
“W-well do you have a name?” I stammered.
“I’m a doorknob you silly Brit who would’ve named me?”
“I don’t know,”
“I’m fooling with ya crazy British guy and his friend, ‘course I have a name, take a guess”
Alex and I looked at each other with so much confusion, I’m pretty sure we could see the gears turning in each others head.
“Um, Rumpelstiltskin?” Alex guessed.
“Rumplestilt-? What! No, clever but not close.” the doorknob said.
“Well what it is?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s DK Turn.”
“Ha! What are you a DJ?” Alex asked.
“Quiet before you get knocked on your arse again Brit.”
“Are you not, like, a british door knob?”
“Oh heavens no, I’m an import from America.”
“Well do you want anything?”
“I want freedom,”
“Freedom?”
“Aye, I’ve slaved for you brits for over a millenia and I’ve finally grown tired. I think it’s time to fight for my own land and for liberty.” DK said, he actually glowed quite vibrantly when he started talking about freedom. I grabbed Alex shoulder and steered him into a two man huddle.
“Did he just say-?” he started
“Ya, a door knob wants to be the start of the American Revolution,” I responded
“You think he can pull that off?”
“Well he can talking, who know what the hell else he can do.”
“You think there might be others?” Alex asked. We held a gaze for a moment and then I had an idea.
“This is ridiculous, get a pen and find a bird feather, I have old parchment hanging on my wall in my bedroom,”
“Are you going to write a Declaration of Independence?”
“Damn right I am,”
“But that was like years ago we barely know what’s on it, plus we’re British so, how the hell would we know anything.”
“Who cares mate? Just go do it. I’m going to take him out of the hinge.”
He nodded and walked off to get the items. I went for a screwdriver. I found a new silver door knob to replace DK and went back to the bathroom door.
“Hey there Brits. Have you finally come to free me?”
“Yes, I do. I hereby liberate DK, you are now a free doorknob. Alex get your butt in here!” Alex came running with parchment and pen. Alex told DK to sign and he’d be free. It got silent.
“I don’t exactly have hands,” DK said “I suppose my signature would be DK in pretty letters.”
Alex decided to write it down for him and it turns out Alex has magnificent cursive skills even on parchment.
“I have on request before you set me free.” DK said.
“What is it?” Alex grumbled.
“Give me a good turn one last time,” DK requested. Alex and I looked at eachother and he just shrugged. Alex stepped forward. Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.