Pooja

16

The sun rose and everything fell. Whether everything fell apart, or whether everything fell into place, Alex couldn’t tell. The world swirled round and round, in and out, upside down or downside up… Am I in a washing machine? Colors and shapes and sounds all became a gargled mush, everything losing meaning and gaining new meaning at the same time. Any ordinary boy would have been terrified by this point, but Alex wasn’t just any ordinary boy- same shirt two days in a row, nonchalant, oxygen consumer. He was extraordinary. Like EXTRA-ordinary. Which meant that his averageness was pretty darn average.
So he stared in wonder, until he realized that this would probably be a really great opening movie sequence. Alex in Wonderland. After about 2 seconds, Alex got worried. Where those brussel sprouts last night in Mom’s pasta really brussel sprouts? Worry level 50%. I don’t see any cute girls, so why does my stomach feel like it’s having some gastrointestinal issues? Warning: Worry level 79.8999% (censored teenage fury), John must’ve force fed me hallucinogenic mushrooms ‘cause I didn’t let him have control of the remote last night!!!
Then everything stood still, and Alex warily opened his eyes the same way he does after the screaming ends in a horror movie. Who said I was scared? I felt like this was the perfect place to meditate! You guys need spiritual guidance. So Alex collected himself, combed his hair with his fingers, and walked to the gates of hell. He knew it was hell, because (1) he heard screaming, (2) there was a sign, (3) he saw his math teacher.
“Welcome, Alex! I am incredibly glad to see you here. You are so dead,” pleasantly explained the Devil/Math teacher. “Mrs. Hellen, I had no idea! You, the Devil!” blubbered Alex. “My dear, the linear programming that I bedeviled you with, my devilishly charming good looks, and not letting you go to the restroom should have given it away!” chuckled the Devil, “and yes, devils can be female too. I just get paid only 78% of every dollar.”
“Oh, I’m sorry for you, Devil,” noted Alex remorsefully. “Well, I’m sorry for you, Alex. It says here that you have 7 more days to live. I’m afraid you were a premature arrival.” frowned the Devil while flipping through pages on her laptop. Alex was filled with hope. “Does that mean I get to go back?”
“Definitely… not. Alright, this is just normal protocol, so bear with me. Are you involved in any STEM career pathway?”
“No.”
“Are you a child prodigy?”
“No”
“Are you God or Michael Jackson?”
“No! Why are you asking me this?”
“It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time. An eternity exactly,” huffed Alex.
“Ah, going native already! Well, hell is overpopulated, and I am trying to find engineers who can find an innovative solution. The winner gets to have lunch with a famous dead celebrity of their choice!”
Suddenly as though it were a flash of lightning, Alex was struck with an idea. Actually, it was lightning; the idea came afterwards.
“Why am I in Hell? I’ve only lived for 17 years, I haven’t had a chance to do anything deadly!”
“Good question… let me Google it!” guffawed the devil and in 0.55 seconds she had her answer. “Your book of Good Deeds has been misplaced by my secretary. I’m very sorry.”
“Well, isn’t there like a Book of Bad or something that you can look at to see that I’m innocent!” asked Alex desperately.
“I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. Besides, I know that you always took the larger slice of the cake, you laughed when John split his pants, and you cheated on a test in kindergarten. Nevertheless, I’ll give you one chance. Name one good thing you did within the last week”
“Umm… I didn’t murder my brother, John! There! I’m free!
“That doesn’t count. Besides, you only did half of your homework. And you tried the ‘my homework flew into the sea while I was on a cruise’ trick”
“Bloody hell”, cursed Alex indignantly, “Can’t I appeal to God?”
“You could try. But you are so young, and he might not like your teenage attitude. God is very old fashioned, because… he is very old.”
“Is there another way out?”
“Do you know Ancient Greek?”
“No. Why?”
“The Ancient Greeks were right about afterlife and God and Gods and pretty much everything actually! You get an automatic pardon if you know the language!
“But that wasn’t even a foreign language choice at school! This is unfair!”
“Life is unfair, Alex. But people forget to tell you that Death is unfair too…All right, Alex. I really must move on to the next client. Please take the door to the right for your punishment”
“Punishment? Wait! What?
But the Devil had already disappeared.
“Aw hell, it can’t get any worse than this, right?”
Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.