Maya

16

It was the first day of school, and Carly Floss was excited to meet her new English teacher. "Ohmagahd Kristy, I heard he was hot! Have you seen him yet?" Carly asked her friend as they walked through the hallway. Kristy said "No, I haven't, not yet. I bet he's really nervous. You aren't going to be mean to him, right?" Carly exclaimed "gahd Kristy! You think I'm a monster or something? I just like a bit of fun, that's all– MOVE FRESHMAN!" She barked, and then said apologetically "Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Margaret! I didn't recognize you... Yeah, well, mistakes happen– sorry... See you in precalc!" She smiled brightly as the teacher walked away, then scowled at Kristy, rolling her eyes. "What a bitch!" Kristy said. "Gahd!" replied Carly.

The bell rang and a portly man dressed in a tweed three-piece suit entered the room. Kristy stared meaningfully at Carly. "He's not hot," she mouthed. But Carly was not terribly skilled at lipreading. "What!?" she whispered. "He's not hot!" Kristy mouthed, overemphasizing the syllables. "Oh" Carly mouthed back, suddenly understanding. She was a little concerned for her friend, as she had interpreted her saying "he's got that bod!" Carly would have to have a talk with Kristy afterwards about her taste in men.
"Hello students, I'm Mr. Portsnatch. I'm thrilled to be your teacher this year!" the new teacher announced. "Is that right?" Emilia asked. Emilia sat in the front row of every class. "Oh, hoho, you caught me there–" Mr. Portsnatch chuckled. "What's your name– Emilia? You are sharp! What I meant was that I am–! Positively! Absolutely! My name is Portsnatch! Oh, yes! That's what I meant." "Is that so?" said Emilia. "Exactly right!" The teacher cried, nearly shouting with glee. He continued "so, to be a correctly awesome teacher to all you adorable munchkins–" he scanned the room of angry-looking teenagers nervously, "I want to make sure that I am doing nothing to distract you from your education. You should tell me directly and spare no sympathy for my admittedly easily bruised feelings if I am doing anything to hinder your learning!" "What!" Emilia gasped, and began furiously taking notes with a freshly-sharpened purple crayon. "Quite right!" barked Mr. Portsnatch, "I remember one student pointed out that whenever I discussed ancient Egyptian marginalia techniques I would tap my right foot on the ground! I understand how annoying that must've been, so I got it fixed straightaway!" He pulled up his pant leg and revealed a bloody stump where his foot might've been.
Carly fainted. Then she woke up because fainting was boring.
Mike requested that Mr. Portsnatch lower his voice, "I was trying to sleep!" he complained.
"Oh great suggestion! I just want to be a good teacher to all of you, do my poor deceased relative proud!" Mr. Portsnatch said. "Oh!" the class whispered in horror. Said Carly, "did your mother or father die?" "Yes" Mr. Portsmouth responded weakly, wiping his eyes with his flabby hands "but other relatives as well." "Which ones died then?" She asked. "All of them!" he said dramatically. "It was a dark and stormy night and all 68 of my relatives were on a boat off the coast of New Orleans. It was summertime, so the waves were strong. My family was having a boatload of fun! Grandpappy Ned was busily cooking up mutton stew and Auntie Ellie was knitting a vegan cotton saddle for the donkey. My mother and father were practicing taking the second root of an imaginary number, because they valued Education! But this happy scene was not to exist forever! No! Suddenly a huge fish burst out of the boiling Black Sea and swallowed the whole boat whole! It was a giant man-eating salmon!" Silence echoed throughout the room, and then everyone clapped furiously. Several students burst into tears."Wow!" exclaimed Emilia breathlessly. "Wow!" agreed Mr. Portsnatch, wiping off his brow.

Over the course of the school year Mr. Portsnatch listened eagerly to the students' requests. He cut his hair, gave out chocolate, and came to school everyday wearing an Easter bunny suit. He always listened concernedly and promptly obeyed the students' directions. One day Carly confronted him after class.
"You're the worst teacher I've ever had! You don't know shit about English and you smell like eggs!" she said. Mr. Portsnatch cunningly smiled at her furious face. He slowly lifted his face up from the roots of his hair and flung Mr. Portsnatch's wrinkled face into the recycling bin. Carly gasped. Mr. Portsnatch was really Leonardo DiCaprio. Carly fainted in his fuzzy bunny arms.