Emma
16
Pronounced True-beck
By Emma Callahan
MIRANDA
The sun rose and everything fell.
LEAH
Oh, not this horse shit again.
(Lights on. The stage is sparsely set- a high school student, MIRANDA, stands alone downstage in a spotlight, reading poetry into a microphone, during the Ohio High School Slamfest 2015, a poetry slam competition. Students, including, LEAH, ALEX, KAILANI, and others sit and stand behind her upstage, waiting their turn to read poetry. During the conversation upstage, Miranda continues to silently, yet emphatically act out her dramatic piece, lines of her poem occasionally being spoken aloud, heard through the conversation.)
LEAH
This bitch pulls the same material out of her ass every single year.
KAILANI
Calling Miranda a “bitch” is simply undermining women as a whole, Leah, you idiot.
LEAH
I’m reclaiming the word, twat.
MIRANDA
-And as I fell, she fell, and he fell, and they fell, and the cigarette smoke trickled through our fingers-
ALEX
I dunno, Leah. I think it’s nice that Miranda puts herself out there.
KAILANI
‘Puts herself out there?’ Miranda’s piece is nothing more than badly written, unrelated metaphors! There is far more to the art of spoken word than going out on a leg, Alex.
ALEX
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
LEAH
Kailani, last year your piece was just twenty-five minutes of you describing your vagina.
ALEX
Oh.
KAILANI
Yeah, and it was beautiful.
MIRANDA
(Near screaming, holding up a finger, and accusatorily pointing at the audience. Miranda takes a delicate breath between each word, the sound bordering on sexual.)
One dollar! One dollar! My body, my body, our body, one dollar!
(Miranda takes a dramatic breath, eyes closed, then smiles at the audience and waves.)
Thank you! Wow, so much fun!
(Miranda bows as the Host begins to speak. The Host, a very delicate, soft-spoken man, seems just a little nervous throughout all his segments.)
HOST
Wow… I mean… wow! How powerful… moving… stunning… just wow! W-O-W. Miranda Weinstein everyone… Oh, I have a note here that says Miranda also goes by the name Areola “Ari” Ejiofor- in hopes of increasing African representation in poetry circles. Simply inspiring. In fact, Miranda’s stepfather is black! Oh, not black, I misread, just from Atlanta… Again, that was “My Tits Fight the Patriarchy”, by Miranda “Areola” Weinstein “Ejiofor.”
(There is scattered applause for Miranda’s piece. Miranda walks to the back of the stage, sitting next to Alex and Leah. Another student goes up, and begins to silently mime their poetry, also exceptionally dramatic.)
LEAH (With false cheer.)
Wow, great job Miranda.
MIRANDA
(Miranda sits facing forward, but whisper-speaking to Leah and Alex.)
Thanks. People just keep complimenting me on my stage presence and delivery… My drama teacher, you know, who put on that production of The Vagina Monologues last year? It was set in a post-apocalyptic matriarchy? Yeah, well, she has really taught me how to draw the audience in. I guess you could just say everyone was eating out of the palm of my hand.
LEAH
Yeah, you must be getting used to that, Miranda. We all remember Jeremy really “eating out” of your hand at his Halloween party.
MIRANDA
(Extremely offended.)
Excuse me, Leah? Are you… did you just… slut shame?
(Miranda looks to her fellow poets around her for support, gesturing wildly at Leah.)
Everyone, Leah is criticizing me based on my sexual expression!
LEAH
Oh please, we all heard you talking shit behind Kailani’s back when she hooked up with Thomas. And don’t get me started on all the shit you say about Taylor Swift’s non-monogamous romantic life.
(The contestants gather around Leah, Miranda and Alex, all gasping and “ooh”-ing. However, Miranda seems relatively unaffected by the new slander.)
MIRANDA
You must have misheard me. I mean honestly, Taylor can do whatever she wants. And when Kailani unleashed her panty hamster on Thomas I was right there beside her, outside the bathroom door, cheering her on. He’s a lucky man.
LEAH
Oh, really? Yeah, well… last month I opened the bathroom door on Selena and Abby really going at it! I mean, it was graphic. And I stood there, with the door wide open, giving them snaps.
MIRANDA
I mean I really get that… it’s just so great to know two people are finding pleasure in each other’s bodies. I Facetimed my sister to tell her congratulations when she slept with the creepy guy from her dorm’s bus terminal.
LEAH (aggresively)
I once walked in on my mom, half-naked searching for a condom.
(All gasp.)
ALEX
What-
LEAH
I gave her one of mine and said, “namaste.”
(Scattered applause. Miranda is now furious.)
MIRANDA
I once gave Dwayne a back massage while he was going down on Alex!
ALEX
Are you serious?
LEAH
Are you kidding me? You know it was I giving Dwayne a massage while he went down on Alex! And I was really fucking happy for them! I was so proud of her as a sexually liberated woman!
(Leah charges towards Miranda, held back by Alex and the other contestants.)
HOST
Please, students, if we will all settle down… let’s remember professionalism! Ha ha, I didn’t attend four-years at Sarah Lawrence as a literature major to babysit a bunch of crazy teens at some random Ohio Slam Fest! Or, evidently, I did. Oh, God.
(Miranda huffily moves away from Alex and Leah.)
MIRANDA (mumbling to herself)
What a slut.
(Miranda exits.)
HOST
Now, everyone be prepared to emotionally verbalize along with our next poet, Kailani Evanson from Northfork High School!
(Kailani begins to move elegantly toward the stage, but turns to her fellow competitors before reaching the microphone.)
KAILANI
Be prepared to eat ass, dirt bags.
(As Kailani reaches the microphone, she, like Miranda before, begins to mime her poem, allowing the conversation at the back of the stage to be heard. The poem is clearly, in some way, about vaginas, demonstrated by Kailani’s aggressive physical choices, and Kailani’s words break through the conversation occasionally. Simultaneously, Alex realizes how close she is to going on stage.)
ALEX
Oh, shit. Oh, shit, Leah, I’m next. No, I can’t do this.
LEAH
Alex! Calm down. Take deep breaths. We rehearsed it so many times.
ALEX
No, really, I think I’m going to hurl all over the audience.
LEAH
You’ll be fine- and last year when you threw up it was so funny!
ALEX
I only wrote my poem you demand a writing partner. Leah, my piece doesn’t even have any generic, overarching statements to say about my body, race, or my gender!
LEAH
I mean, even I told you that was a mistake. What is your poem about again? Your personal struggles, fears, and dreams? Alex, come on, no one cares about that.
ALEX
Yes, Leah, no one cares about any of my writing. I mean, it’s ridiculous that you thought this piece was even good enough to submit-
LEAH
Alex! Your poetry- it’s some really, truly, wonderfully adequate stuff. I promise, it will get you somewhere in the competition. Colleges will think that you really tried. Alex, you’re my best friend, and I believe in you. You are the Alex Trubeck. I mean not… the Alex Trebek.
(Alex gives Leah a withering look.)
LEAH
You know. Because that guy, the Jeopardy guy-
ALEX
Yes, Leah, I fucking know Alex Trebek. He’s only overshadowed me my whole life! And you know it’s pronounced True-beck. Long U sound.
LEAH
You just have such an unfortunate name.
ALEX
Oh my God, so unfortunate.
(As Kailani makes an aggressive grunting sound on stage, gesturing towards her pelvis, Alex is flung back into the reality of her situation.)
ALEX
Look at that. Everyone loves Kailani- how does she even perform like that?
KAILANI
And the traveller reaches it, my interior gopher hole-
ALEX
I would prefer to keep public knowledge of my vagina at a minimum. I mean, our fourth grade English teacher is in the audience.
LEAH
That’s great! These older white men really need vaginas thrust in their faces, aggressively. Right up in there.
KAILANI
… vulva labia clitoris! Vulva labia clitoris- VAGINA!
(Kailani finishes her poem, received enthusiastically by the audience.)
LEAH
Shit. That was some beautiful pussy-talk.
HOST
Wow! How… unique. Just- I mean definitely different, but so ripe with meaning. (Beat.) Nope! No, not ripe. The vagina is… not ripe… or it is, just- really poignant. I mean not exactly poignant… the vagina is.. raw? Wait-
LEAH
Alex! You’re up!
(As Alex nervously steps towards the microphone, the Host takes a beat as he composes himself, very flustered by the last poem.)
Moving on! Our next poet is Alex Trebek!
ALEX (speaking into the microphone)
It’s actually Tru-beck. With a “u”.
HOST
Alex Trebek. We live in a world of coincidences.
ALEX
Ha ha. No, sorry, Trubeck. Different names. Just sound… so similar.
HOST
Ms. Trebek, take it away!
ALEX
Tru-beck.
HOST
I mean, what are the chances- Alex Trebek, host of the beloved TV classic Jeopardy, and you, a… bland little poet girl from Ohio, same name! Who would think it. (Makes mind blown gesture.) Whenever you’re ready.
(Alex reaches the microphone, only growing more nervous. There is an awkward silence. Alex suddenly attempts to flee upstage, but Leah turns her around and shoves her back towards the mic. Alex is terrified at the podium, and seems as though she is about to throw up, but as she opens her mouth to, the scene freezes, and instead she speaks. The lights dim around Alex as the rest of the actors onstage freeze.)
ALEX
I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I want to do this. I mean, all that stuff I said was true. Leah was the only reason I got into slam poetry. I’ve never written anything before… I mean a wrote a rant on Facebook once… my aunt commented on it- but nothing real! I could never have worked up the nerve to do this! Before Leah made me join the competition last year, I sat at home and did shit like eating untoasted Wonder Bread. With butter. While watching SVU. Do you know, the first time my parents saw me, writing this poem, they couldn’t even comprehend it? My mom said-
(Alex’s mother CHRISTINA appears onstage, reenacting Alex’s memory.)
CHRISTINA
Alex, we have to get ready for the Wilson’s dinner party! You know Marsha Wilson and me are both gunning for that promotion- maybe if I intimidate her with a clearly superior family she’ll back off. But Jesus, her daughter rides horses, that Barbie bodied shit- Stop eating bread, alone in your room!
ALEX
Mom, I’m not eating bread.
(Beat.)
CHRISTINA
Really? Oh, I just assumed. Good for you!
(Alex’s mother begins to leave, but does a double take.)
Then what are you doing?
ALEX
Nothing, Mom. Writing.
CHRISTINA
Oh, okay.
(Alex’s mother does another double take- a double double take.)
Writing? What, like a paper?
ALEX
No. A poem.
CHRISTINA
A poem? You’re writing a poem? Oh, for school?
ALEX
No, not for school. Just to, you know, to write. What?
CHRISTINA
Nothing. I mean just- you? Wow! Good for you honey. (Calls to Alex’s father, offstage.) John! John! Come here! Alex is writing! Creatively.
JOHN (o/s)
One-second honey-
CHRISTINA
John, what did we discuss in therapy, listen to me when I’m talking to you, understand my words! This behavior depreciates my value as a woman!
JOHN (o/s)
Yup, okay.
ALEX
What are you doing?
(Alex’s father, JOHN, enters with a laundry basket.)
JOHN
What are you talking about, Christina?
CHRISTINA
Alex is writing. A poem!
JOHN
Who? Alex? Her?
CHRISTINA
Yes! Alex!
JOHN
Our Alex? Is it for school?
ALEX
What-
CHRISTINA
That’s what I asked! Not even for school!
JOHN
Wow! Alex! Honey! Wow! You? Wow! I mean- you? So… Awe! Alex!
CHRISTINA
It’s just so different from your usual… attitude… I don’t know. I mean, you're usually a little bit of a downer. Just slouched on the couch, eating bread, sometimes crying...
JOHN
A real Debbie downer! So sad! I mean sometimes I just think of you, sitting there in your little sad black cloud… and it reminds of my own little black cloud as a child… a black boy named Timothy who lived down my block. I always so emotionally attacked by him- I mean, he never really did anything to me, you know, really only rode his bicycle on our street, but I just always felt his presence looming over me-
CHRISTINA
John, you’re really bumming us out.
ALEX
Well, Leah was talking about poetry and-
CHRISTINA
Oh ho ho! There it is! Leah. It was Leah! Leah put her up to it. We caught on.
JOHN
I don’t know, isn’t nice that she’s trying-
CHRISTINA
John! I bought “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline” for a reason! Tough love, John! Oh Lord. Eyes down, get out!
(Christina smacks John out of the room. John exits)
It all makes so much more sense now. Oh Alex, it’s okay. Maybe next time you can do it by yourself.
(Christina disappears, and Alex continues in her train of though, moving on from this memory.)
ALEX
And I was actually writing it by myself- My words, the ones on this dumb piece of paper that’s in my pocket right now. I barely had the nerve to write them, let alone speak them aloud on a stage. I’ve always just leeched off Leah, and her friends, and her accomplishments. For a second, I really thought I could try my own style of poetry, forge my own path, advocate for myself. Now, I’m just the girl who threw up Wonder Bread all over the stage last year… Fuck! And do you know how bad it feels to be named after fucking Alex Trebek? Do you know what he’s done? He’s hosted Jeopardy. He’s hosted Jeopardy for 31 years. Was he an actor before? Was he a comedian? No. He was a fucking game show host. The host of Jeopardy! The show that looks most similar to an airplane in the 1980s. I’m not going to let myself live in the shadow of a man who has been hosting goddamn Jeopardy for 31 years! You know what, I’m here now. The poem is already in my head, and honestly- I don’t know when I’m going to have another chance.
(The world unfreezes, and the lights go back up, with all the contestants and the Host looking expectantly at Alex. We have returned to the normal time of the play.)
HOST
Alex? You can start anytime you want to.
(Alex nods.)
ALEX (taking a deep breath, her line delivered with poetic rhythm)
Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.
