Sara

17

The sun rose and everything fell. Specifically unicorns from a massive tsunami. That’s how the final scene in “Unicornami”-- a spin-off movie of the successful “Sharknado” series -- rolls out before fading to black. This exhilarating cliffhanger is meant to keep viewers excited for the release of “Unicornami 2: The Next One,” which is set to come to theaters in the summer of 2017. Critics are especially thrilled that the two main actresses -- North West (Kimye’s daughter) and Hannah Montana (NOT Miley Cyrus) -- have already signed on to star in the sequel. Rolling Stones Magazine raves, “Amazing acting! West and Montana are like breaths of fresh air after smelling a colossal pile of unicorn poop.”
Furthermore, The New York Times praises “Unicornami” by calling its story line a “heavenly diamond in the rough.” Billions of people love the plot of the movie because it’s simple, yet smart: a freak tsunami hits New York City, leaving the streets flooded with water and infested with magical unicorns. Yes, real unicorns. And yes, they do poop real rainbows (why does everyone ask that?!). After the unicornami passes (get it, unicorn + tsunami?), sisters Sophia (North West) and Annabelle Jones (Hannah Montana) find themselves stuck in an apartment with only Bedazzlers and SAT prep guides. Oh, the horror! This prompts the sisters to set out on a whirlwind adventure, but not before donning their Lululemon garb (yoga pants and headbands, obviously). *SPOILER ALERT* While sailing down Times Square on a boat constructed out of Twizzlers, flower pots, and tons of hot glue, the sisters find a lonely unicorn named Harry Styles (played by Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony’s star). With his mane-bun on fleek, Harry Styles the Unicorn needs Sophia and Annabelle’s help to find his home after being swept away by the unicornami. In addition to the all-star cast, special guest appearances are made by Bill Murray, Howard Stern, Grumpy Cat, Jennifer Lawrence, and Katy Perry's Left Shark.
Beating the 82% freshness rating that “Sharknado” received on Rotten Tomatoes, “Unicornami” has earned an astounding freshness rating of 99%. When asked what happened to the other 1%, critics replied that they were a bit bothered by the overall abundance of equine nudity. They believed that the producer and director, Alexander Abrams (J.J. Abrams’s long-lost movie producing/directing twin), should have been gracious enough to cover up the unicorns’ rear ends. Even “The Tonight Show” host, Jimmy Fallon, agreed with the critics. During the taping of his show, Fallon made a jab at Abrams when he joked, “No one wants to see the junk in a unicorn’s trunk. Hasn’t Alexander Abrams ever heard of gaucho pants? They are a gift from God. Comfortable and stylish at the same time! They also would have made the unicorns’ butts look twenty times smaller!”
The professional unicorn handler of “Unicornami” and YouTube sensation (whose video currently holds 58,620,915 views), Ms. Sweet Brown, was available to comment on this critical nudity issue. “Clothes on unicorns? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Ya’ll think that it’s easy to get unicorns under control, but let me tell ya, it’s not. I have so much trouble with them when they need to get their hair and makeup done. The only way to calm them down is to play Justin Bieber's song ‘Baby’ on repeat. For some reason, his voice soothes the unicorns and helps them remember what they learned in acting school. So if I had to wrangle them into some clothes, it would have been a nightmare; the wardrobe department would have hated me because I would need to play ‘Baby’ for 24 hours straight! Oh Lord Jesus, that’s a felony!” said Brown.
However, despite the controversy at hand, “Unicornami” is a massive box office hit, securing itself the highly coveted spot of #1 for the highest-grossing film of the summer of 2015. Debuting to $304.2 million in North America, the film opens to $417.1 million overseas, bringing its worldwide opening weekend to $721.3 million. These numbers bump Universal Studio’s “Jurassic World,” which made $511.8 million during its worldwide opening weekend, down to #2 on the chart. Chris Pratt, star of “Jurassic World” and “Guardians of the Galaxy,” posted a picture to his Instagram (@prattprattpratt) of him wearing a “Unicornami” T-shirt while playing with his son; fans loved Pratt’s good-natured approach to the situation and asked him where they could buy his awesome T-shirt (it can be bought on Etsy for $35). A source close to Pratt reveals, “Chris just signed a secret deal that he would be the featured star in “Unicornami 2: The Next One,” so it makes sense that he would advertise the first movie.” Whoops, it’s not a secret anymore, Chris Pratt!
In addition to making big bucks at movie theaters, “Unicornami” has presently become more popular than a high school student with a pack of mint gum. “Unicornami” has become a worldwide sensation. For example, #UNIverse (get it, unicorn + universe?) has been trending on Twitter for three consecutive weeks. Many people believe that this is a result of an influx of Bronies (the extremely unexpected adult fans of My Little Pony) that have started worshipping “Unicornami.” Furthermore, the movie franchise’s prominence in the world has become clear after a 16-foot tall graffiti painting of Harry Styles the Unicorn (yes, he was nude) was found on the Great Wall of China. All Chinese factory workers were commanded to stop manufacturing products for export, causing an American recession as much needed items (such as iPhones and plastic toys for McDonald’s Happy Meals) were not being delivered; instead, the Chinese workers spent their time trying to clean off the offensive art. Ultimately, the spray paint was removed from the Great Wall of China using lo mein noodle mops and Lysol; simultaneously, Donald Trump decided to display a 20-foot painting of Harry Styles the Unicorn (with a golden toupee) on Trump Tower as a way to poke fun at China’s leaders.
With its stunning acting, extraordinary plot, and inspirational life lessons of love, friendship, and girl power, “Unicornami” is a must-see movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, then you should skip really fast down to your local theater this instant and pay $15 to watch it in 3D (just remember: you will look stupid if you reach out your hands to try to touch the unicorns or the tsunami). Overall, if “Unicornami” does not win at least one Oscar, everyone in the United States will most definitely, positively be as shocked as a mad scientist sticking a finger in an electrical outlet. Stay tuned for more articles regarding the filming of “Unicornami 2: The Next One” and some free giveaway Harry Styles the Unicorn T-shirts!
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After finishing to read Cosmopolitan’s upbeat editorial on “Unicornami,” producer and director Alexander Abrams turned off his laptop and hastily hopped off his hotel bed as if he had spotted a cockroach the size of a loaf of bread. Luckily for Alex, there were no cockroaches in his spaciously luxurious penthouse suite. Instead, he stood up quickly in order to do his victory dance. All he needed was music to dance to, courtesy of Siri.
“Siri, play ‘Shake It Off’ by Taylor Swift,” Alexander commanded into his sleek iPhone 6 Plus, which he needed to hold with two hands because it was so big.
Siri’s cheerful voice drifted out from the cell phone’s speakers like a fat kid floating down a lazy river. “Here’s what I found on the web for ‘piles of shakers under the sea.’” Multiple websites popped up eagerly for Alex to click on. The first one on the list (www.saltyspongebob.com) touted that Alex could own “the best Spongebob Squarepants salt shakers in the world” for only $19.99. Intrigued by the website’s bold statement, he bought a set of salt shakers to give to his twin, J.J. Abrams, for Chanukah.
Suddenly, the iPhone dinged loudly. A text message had arrived; Alex wondered who it could be from. Was it his grandmother asking for her dentures back or was it the Tooth Fairy apologizing for not leaving him money for his last tooth? In the end, it turned out to be neither Bubbe nor the Tooth Fairy.
It was Jimmy Fallon. The text said, “Get your butt down to the studio now! You’re on in 15 minutes!”
Alexander’s face suddenly turned very, very red like an ostrich choking on a Lego. Reading that Cosmopolitan article had completely erased his mind of the fact that he was supposed to make a guest appearance on “The Tonight Show.” He needed to get changed out of his Thomas the Tank Engine onesie into some respectable attire right away. Alex raced to his closet, faster than someone can say ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.’ He narrowly avoided slipping and breaking his leg on an avocado peel as he pulled on the first articles of clothing he could find.
“Siri, do these gaucho pants make me look fat?”
“I would prefer not to say, Master Alex,” quipped Siri, whose middle name most certainly is Sassy. With those final words of encouragement and images of a giant unicornami flooding New York City, Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.