Ananya
13
The sun rose and everything fell.
That’s literally how every godforsaken day of her life starts--according to her. The sun will shine through that hole in the wall you call a window and everything will suck. Then she will get up and walk downstairs to come face to face with her smiling parents. It’s repulsive--the nerve of those people. The way they smile. The way they offer her orange juice. Orange juice! How dare they present before her something containing vitamin C? It’s ridiculous!
Oh, she suffers from the tough life of living in the suburbs with food on the table and a roof over her head. The tough, goth life. If you ever ask her, she’ll say that she hasn’t chosen the goth life--the goth life has chosen her. She’s quite proud of her goth-ness.
Goth, gothic, goth, goth.
I take a seat on her bed, staring at her as she lays on the floor and does what goths do best: hating everything. As Taylor Swift would put it, she’s a hater who was going to ‘hate, hate, hate, hate, hate’...
…
Sorry, I just paused to pat myself on the back. I’m really proud that I made a reference to something hip. You know, keeping up with the kids. I feel--how do they say it?--#Swag yo.
Anyway.
The poor girl is really starting to feel alone, and so she does the completely normal thing and decides to hold band auditions to force people into being her frie--
Protagonist: You creep! What are you doing here?!
She stops contemplating her evil friendship-achieving plan to turn to me and shout those very words, to which I calmly reply with the appropriate amount of sass: “I’m narrating your life. What do you think I’m doing?”
Now. To the auditions…
I am currently positioned behind a bush outside her house in order to narrate this series of events. I realize that my behavior can be perceived as somewhat stalker-like, but I am merely doing my job.
When Justin Bieber makes those shrill, high-pitched screams with his mouth and passes it off as singing without including a caution label, don’t judge. That’s him doing his job.
And now I’m doing mine.
Don’t judge.
Aaand here comes our first auditionee. Stunning--truly. Just now, she shuffled in with her suspenders on, glasses high, and spit dripping out of her mouth. She struggles to speak through her enormous headgear.
Let’s see how our protagonist approaches this one. The encounter proceeds something like this:
Protagonist: (Sighs and then gestures dramatically and sarcastically) ‘The sun rose and everything fell.’ Take it from there.
See, our protagonist doesn’t eat her feelings--she writes them down through song. She doesn’t want to end up like one of those obese Americans a certain Ariana Grande hates so much.
Nerd Girl: (Overly-geeky retainer-muffled tone, pushes up glasses) S-sure.
Protagonist: (Points very pointedly at Nerd Girl) And cover your eyes.
Nerd girl: Wha-?
Protagonist: The eyes are the window to the soul. Your soul reeks of textbook, bruh.
Nerd Girl:B-bu--!
Protagonist: (Sassy swish of hand) No. Close ‘em.
Nerd girl: (Sniffs and wipes nose) Um... uh, ok. (Sings off key) The sun rooose and everything fellllll--
(The sounds just produced may or may not have made my cerebrum bleed a little bit.)
Protagonist: (Covers ears) Stahp!! Don’t make those noises in my presence--you sound like a whiny dork!
Nerd Girl: (Sniffs) Well, I am a--
Protagonist: (Pained look on face) Please tell me you play an instrument or something, ‘cause your voice honestly sucks.
Nerd Girl: (Perks up) I play the bass guitar!
Protagonist: (Facepalms) Then why didn’t you bring it?!?! Oh my God, you’re killing me here!
Following this comment, our beloved protagonist continues ranting for quite some time.
Nerd Girl: (Through ranting) Well… your flyer kinda said vocal auditions, sooo…
Protagonist: (Freezes)
Protagonist: (Slowly grins and points at Nerd Girl, laughing.) I could use someone like you.
Nerd Girl: (Looks excited and jumps up and down) Really?!
Protagonist: (Immediately serious) No.
Nerd Girl: (Sniffs and looks down) Oh, oka--
Protagonist: (Speaks quickly) But I pity you due to your most likely non-existent social ranking, and so I’ll let you in the band. What’s your name?
Nerd Girl: Alberta Curie-Hawking-Copernicus-Edison-Bohr- Einstein. (Voice stops being shaky and suddenly becomes confident)
This piece of information was considered for a good 2.76 seconds.
Protagonist: (Stares at Alberta) No.
Alberta: No? (Returns to shaky, nerdy voice)
Protagonist: Nope. From now on you will be called Attack.
Alberta: Umm...
Protagonist: You know what? It’s time for a makeover. (Stands up)
Alberta: (Is dragged out from behind mic by our protagonist) Wait--wait! Alex, what are you d--?
Protagonist: (Swivels around to face Alberta, angry expression) NEVER SPEAK THAT HORRID NAME IN MY PRESENCE.
There we go, back to me--Finally! I get to explain the whole name thing.
Those snobby main characters are always like this. They take the spotlight for hours and force the poor sweet narrator to desperately try to stay relevant to the story in between lines.
Anyways.
It is true--the girl hates to be called Alex. On her 7½th birthday, she decided once and for all to live her life as none other than Daggers...period. Occasionally with the surname of Demolition. Perhaps it was her hatred for normality that caused her to see to this change in her identity. Or perhaps it was her longing for some sort of rebellion against the common American social structure that drove her to--
“Would you please shut that hole in your face?” Daggers (Alex?) yells as she pulls the bush protecting my face out of the way, revealing my presence.
I, extremely offended, reply to this with a huff--“Rude,”--and back out of a random magical doorway, disappearing.
I know, I’m so mysterious. At least that’s what I put on my Match.com profile. I don’t know why I haven’t gotten more dates. Maybe it’s a glitch. Or because under hobbies I put ‘Following a goth girl around and narrating her pathetic life’... No. It must be a glitch. In fact…
Oh, right, back to the story. Stupid, snobby main characters, stealing all my spotlight. Whatever. The rest of their encounter went something a little like this:
Daggers: (Sighs and turns to Alberta) Now.
Insert some epic music here.
Daggers: Are you prepared to dedicate your mind and body to a band of pure epicness and superiority, in the process selling to me your soul and binding yourself by blood to the sister and brethren of Death for the rest of eternity?!?!
End the epic music here.
Alberta: Wh-what? ‘Death?’
Daggers: (Disappointed) Oh come on! It’s the band’s name! Now are you in or not?
Alberta: Ummm… can you repeat everything you just said?
Daggers:...
(She has just taken a moment to process the stupidity of the exchange that just occurred, and also to prevent herself from exploding.)
Daggers: Fine. (Inhales and exhales)
Revive the epic music here.
Daggers: Are you prepared to dedicate your mind and body to a band of pure epicness and superiority, in the process selling to me your soul--
Aaaand kill it again.
Alberta: What?!? No--I won’t sell you my soul!
Me: Evidently she doesn’t have what it takes.
Oh, don’t mind me popping back up every now and then to help out my dear friend/spotlight hogger Daggers.
Daggers: I SAID SHUT UP.
Also evidently, she doesn’t appreciate my input.
Daggers: (Shrugs me off and turns back to Alberta, annoyed.) Fine. Keep your soul. It probably smells like that musty textbook that lives at the bottom of my locker, anyway. Now put this on. (Pulls leather jacket out of no where.)
Muffled voices and screams follow as Daggers(Alex?) shoves the jacket and several other garments of goth clothing onto Alberta. I decided to be a gentleman and look away.
“A few moments later,” to quote Spongebob, Alberta reveals herself to the world, now adorned with several black accessories.
Alberta: (Grabs glasses and puts them on to badass music, fire background; makes rock on symbol) Death bruh. Death.
Daggers gives her nod of approval.
So, due to my stupid contract and blah blah blah, I can no longer give long, suspenseful buildups to auditions. I just knew when I took this job that they’d hired me for the looks. I mean, with my yellow teeth, doogie-brown eyes, and luscious unibrow, I am absolutely stunning. Everyone just uses me and won’t give two craps about what’s on the inside. *Sob*
S-sorry--just got a bit choked up there. My beauty’s simply a blessing and a curse. I-I mean with my fourteenth marriage and all…
Oh, right--the dumb audition.
So this time I got smart and hid in the place Daggers never goes: Behind the treadmill. The scene went something a little like this:
Annoying Girl: (Wears an extremely fake grin, smiling and holding a tray of cookies far too close to Daggers) Hi my name is Rainbow Glitter and I like sunshine and puppies and unicorns!
Ugh, I hate her already.
Daggers: (Raises eyebrows) Your name is Rainbow Glitter?
Rainbow: That’s riiiiight!(Sing-songy voice) My parents originally named me Rachel Gluckman but I thought that wasn't very nice, so I decided to call myself Rainbow Glitter! Yay me! Cookie??? (Holds out tray)
Daggers: (Pushes tray away with one finger) Yeahokayfinewhatever--can you sing or play an instrument or anything?
Rainbow: I like to pride myself in spreading joy, as well as rainbows, glitter and unicorn feces--more commonly known as sparkles-- through song! To aid me in that magical process, I use a guitar. (Pulls acoustic guitar out of no where.)
Daggers: (Rolls eyes and nods) Take it from ‘The sun rose and everything fell.’
Rainbow: (Glances down) Oh… See, I thought the lyrics weren't very joyful and nice, so I decided to change them a little.
Daggers: Umm… okay. (Uneasily)
Rainbow: (Very off-key, bubbly voice ) Rainbows and glitter yay! Unicorn feces and sparkles yay! Cookie? cookie? cookie? (Shoves cookies in daggers face)
I hate this child.
Daggers: Oh my God--fine! (Takes one bite, chews thoughtfully, and then spits it out, hacking) What's in this?!?!?!??!
Rainbow: Flour, sugar, and chocolate… all baked in with happiness and love!
Daggers: What's the matter with you? Are you trying to poison me?! Everyone knows I'm allergic to happiness and love!
Rainbow: (Exaggerated sweet voice) Oh my gawsh! Alex! I'm so--
Right about here, I’d imagine some dramatic, end-of-world, Armageddon-style music playing.
Daggers: (Falls out of chair when Rainbow says ‘Alex’ and begins choking with hands to throat) That name--never speak that name!! I’m--dying… (Melodramatically falls flat.)
Rainbow: ALEX, OH EM GEE! I’ve killed Alex!! (Holds Alex’s head in her hands) Let me save you! (Teary whisper) I know mouth to mouth will work! (Leans over)
And right about here, I’d imagine the dramatic, end-of-world, Armageddon-style music ending abruptly.
Daggers: (Sits up instantly, pushing Rainbow away) Okay, okay--I’m fine.
Rainbow: Oh, wonderful! I thought I’d killed you! (Same overly sweet tone)
Daggers: (Under breath as she stands up) You are killing me. (Audibly) It’s ‘Daggers.’ (Rolls eyes) Now, it’s time for a makeover.
Just as before, Daggers struggles to clothe the newest member of Death in the proper goth garb. And once the transformation is completed, Rainbow twirls, doing some sort of pirouette. “Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow,” she chants in a failed attempt at Screamo vocals.
Daggers: (Holds up hands) Okay, no--stop that. You sound like a pokemon. And that's not your name--it's ‘Ripper.’
Rainbow: (Instantly begins twirling again) Ripper, Ripper, Ripper!
Daggers: Stop that, will you?!
Rainbow: (Weird growl) Then what should I do to display my extreme goth-ness?
Daggers: (Rolls eyes) Ugh. Just stare forward, say a phrase, and look like a badass.
Rainbow: (Awkwardly stares forward with squinty eyes and growl, holding out tray of cookies.) Who wants a cookie?
So over the next few weeks, Daggers finds herself babysitting… um, I mean training… forget it--babysitting the band. Not that it’s much of one. She’d just recruited two people as desperate for friends as her.
Okay, save it--I know what you’re going to say: “Oh dear, beautiful, stunning, glamourous narrator, I know that you are truly spectacular and could never possibly contain a physical, mental, or moral flaw, but don’t you think you are being a bit harsh on Daggers? You are such a kind spirit--I thought you would be understanding!”
Well you know what? I’m fed up. That girl gets to prance around with all of the attention constantly on her. I have more talent than her, okay?! I was right behind Alex Trebek for Jeopardy! Those jerks could have won an emmy by now if they had me.
Wait, what? Alex Trebek’s won five? Whatever. At least I’m humble. I mean, I hardly ever mention how incredibly amazing I am.
Of course, back to the band. I’d like you to use your gift of imagination to picture me narrating the following scene as the band walks down the street in slow motion. Pretend some epic song is playing.
Me: It was hard work for Daggers--hard work for her to tolerate this incompetent, unworthy assortment of losers, geeks, and nerds.
Band: (Storms down street)
Me: Daggers now had three recruits--four members total. But harder than tolerating her new acquaintances was the feat of making them into a band.
Alberta: (Tries to kick over a tiny trash can that has crossed her path) Grrrrr...OWOWOW! (Immediately stops growling to grab her foot in exaggerated pain.)
Here is where the music dies.
Rainbow: OH EM GEE!! ALBERTA ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!?!?!
Alberta: (Tries to grab Rainbow to pull herself up, but Rainbow only gets dragged down as well)
Daggers: (Face in palms) What is wrong with you idiots?! I am trying to be epic here and you’re ruining it! Alberta! Get your butt off the ground!
Alberta: Yes--s-sorry sir--ma’am--superior human being.
Band: (Scrambles to get back into position)
Aaand the epic music now makes a comeback. Each member of the band proceeds to speak in an awkwardly wannabe fierce voice.
Alberta: I’m Attack!! (Goes into fighting stance)
Rainbow: Ripper! (Acts like she’s ripping something.)
Daggers: Daggers. (Deadpan-death-glare with crossed arms.)
Band: (Attempts to collectively do some sort of awkward pose) Together, we're Death!!!(Spoken out of sync.)
The music is once again murdered by lameness of Death. Now, back to me, from where I left off...
Me: Was it enough for Daggers to change their clothes and give them new names? Was altering their identities even the right way to go about making a band?
Amateurs. I mean, I’m a professional. I shouldn't be forced to work with these children. The other day, I turned down a call to narrate Zac Efron’s new movie. And don’t you dare try to convince me otherwise--I will NEVER give up on a High School Musical four. NEVER.
So yeah, the band was rehearsing
Daggers: (Singing angrily) The sun rose and everything fell/ Are we gone for good? It’s hard to tell/ But with the moon gone, and the rise of dawn--
Alberta: Can we stop now?! I’m exhausted! We’ve been rehearsing for 7.6 hours a day since you decided to form this band.
Daggers: (Pissed face) Well we’re not good enough yet! Besides, I booked us a gig at this epic pub. We need the preparation, Attack!
Alberta: (Timidly) I like Alberta better…
Daggers: (Glares)
Rainbow: (Soundly sleeping while using a guitar as a pillow, muttering in her sleep) Unicorns, unicorns, unicorns.
As that annoying Rainbow chick dreamt of the waste produced by various fantastical creatures, the day of the concert quickly approached. The girls prepared hard, in hopes that they would be noticed by a record producer.
In other big news, after finding out about Alex Trebek’s Emmys, I did the unthinkable. Yup--I unfriended him on Facebook! It was a hard choice, but, you know, ultimately…
Right. Band concert. Sorry.
Soooo... the band was setting up at this ‘epic pub.’
Daggers: So dudes, I know we rehearsed everything and all, but someone pissed me off and now I want to play a super dark tune so we can unleash my wrath on the world.
I think she’s slightly bipolar.
Alberta: So… you’re just changing the whole set list.
Daggers: (Nods) Yup.
Alberta: Because someone pissed you off.
Daggers: Yup. Now huddle up!
Me: The children of Death whispered and plotted and schemed and--
At this moment, Daggers looks up from the huddle, glaring at me. I run away to a corner and watch as she returns to huddle.
Band: (Breaks out of huddle)
Daggers: Okay, any questions?
A long silence follows this inquiry.
Rainbow: Can I go to the bathroom? (Makes nauseous face) Those cookies I made with unicorn feces aren’t sitting too well.
Alberta: (In overly nerdy voice) I’m afraid unicorns do not exist.
Rainbow: Well I used one, okay? It was hornless.
Alberta: I think you may have simply used horse meat.
Rainbow: (stomach grumbling as she turns to Daggers) Can I please go?
Daggers: (Straight face) No.
After this brief exchange, the band finishes setting up on stage--although ‘slightly raised platform’ would be a better description. An eager audience fills about 76% of the dark room. Some of those who make it up are seated at tables, while others stand closer to Death, awaiting the music that is soon to follow.
Band: (Assembles)
Daggers: Oh, this song… (Gestures dramatically and speaks into microphone) This is one of the darkest, most hardcore songs of all the lands!!!
Eager Audience: (Cheers)
Band: (Turns backs to audience)
At this very moment, What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction begins to play.
Eager Audience: (Becomes confused, slightly offended audience)
Band: (Performs)
As the band continued their remarkable performance, they didn’t notice a certain person in the crowd.
That’s right--you guessed it--he was a record producer! Yup. Stupid main characters get their happy ending and I don’t even get to host Wheel Of Fortune! It’s the most basic game show in the universe. Pat Sajak is what...90? They need a young, cool, guy like me. Sure, I’m 54, bald, a 14 time divorcee, and I live in my parent’s basement, but I’m a way better candidate to host than him!
So, the Label-Signing Record-Dude came up to the kids after their performance...
Label-Signing Record-Dude: (Swaggers up to band) Nice performance, kiddos.
Daggers: Who dares to approach Death?
Label-Signing Record-Dude: I work with Kidz Records--Kids with a ‘z.’ As in K-I-D-Z. So… ya know… we’re pretty cool. (Said in a ‘old guy trying to be cool’ tone.)
Daggers: Cool--a Record Company!! But for kids?
Record Dude: Yeah. You guys would be great as a kids’ band--just change your image a little and you're good to go. You know--just be normal children. Kid friendly!
Understandably, Daggers’ face droops.
Label-Signing Record-Dude: Ok so like, here’s my card and, ah, gimme a call. But you know--you better do it fast--I’m sort of a big deal. (Very arrogantly, still trying to be cool.)
He now sashays away like a model, then puts a hand on his hip and turns.
Label-Signing Record-Dude: I mean, look at all the paparazzi.
Random Loner Kid: (Takes flash picture right in the Label-Signing Record-Dude’s eyes. Looks extremely bored.)
Label-Signing Record-Dude: Argghhh! (Holds hands in front of eyes.) I told you take it from a distance!!
Random Loner Kid: Sorry, dad. (Super bored.)
The Label-Signing Record-Dude collects himself and gives the band a huge smile. Then he walks away.
Daggers: (Huge sigh) Ok guys--back into the audition room, I guess. Looks like you have to change back into your boring… normal selves.
Rainbow: (Looks extremely queasy) Can I go to the bathroom now? PLEASE?
Daggers: NO, RAINBOW--FOR THE LAST TIME: NO! QUIT THIS INCESSANT WHINING! IT’S NOT AS IF YOU’D DARE PU-(Is cut short by rainbow puking on her)
Rainbow: (Wipes mouth) Whoops.
Daggers: …
Daggers: Because I don’t want to get prosecuted for murder, I will give you one word of advice: RUN. (Proceeds to chase Rainbow throughout the pub.)
Despite the mayhem that is currently surrounding me, I will keep calm, carry on, and continue to narrate. I really am not getting paid enough for this job.
Me: So, after the life-changing exchange with the Record-Signing Label-Dude, the members of Death slowly piled back into the closet, one by one. Soon it came to be--
Daggers: Hey you!
Me: Yes?
Daggers: What are you doing here??
Me: Why, is it not clear? I’m narrating the intriguingly outstanding story that revolves around the many anomalous groups in modern soc--
Daggers: Yeah, well today you're a janitor. (Wipes Rainbow’s puke off of her and throws it at me.)
Puke lands on my head. I honestly cannot believe that they made me narrate this part. Ugh--it’s still warm.
Anyways, as I wiped that disgusting vomit of my head, it became time for Rainbow, Alberta, and Daggers to discuss the new changes involving the Death.
But first, let me just say--the conditions I’m required to work under… man. It’s ridiculous. I don’t even have a dressing room or a makeup artist. Okay, fine--I guess I don’t need a makeup artist (I’m gorgeous anyways,) but still.
Hey--don’t look at me like that! Narrators embody eye candy for movies! You think anyone would have seen How The Grinch Stole Christmas if not for the narrator’s alluring voice?
Yes, yes, I know--changes with the band...
Daggers: (Looks dejected; only one still in makeup) This sucks.
Rainbow Glitter: Why? We’re going to get to work with a real record company!! It’ll be sparkle-tacular! (Awkward jazz hands)
Daggers: (Jumps up angrily) First of all, who on Earth even says that?! Second of all, they’ve completely taken away our identity!
Band: (Looks taken aback)
An awkward silence occurs here.
Alberta: Well… I don’t know about the rest of you but (sniffs) I kind of think that they gave it back.
Daggers: What are you talking about?! How can we be Death if we’re just normal kids?!
Alberta: (Dramatic gestures accompanied by music) It doesn’t matter whether or not we’re whatever you think Death should be. We shouldn’t be living up to a name--we should be living up to ourselves--who we truly are!
Daggers: (Silent for a second) I think I’m drowning in the sap that’s dripping off everything you just said.
Me, too.
Alberta: (Frozen in dramatic pose; drops pose and slumps) My words were not physical, therefore nothing, let alone sap, could drip off of them.
Daggers: What did you just say??? (Leans over Alberta in an intimidating manner)
Alberta: N-nothingnevermind.
Daggers: Just what I thought. (Steps away, satisfied.)
Rainbow: I think I agree with Alberta, though.
Daggers: (Throws arms up, exasperated) THIS IS ANARCHY.
Rainbow: (Shrugs) Unicorns live under no laws, and so neither do I.
Daggers: Wat?.
Rainbow: It’s true--I witnessed it in Candy Land.
Daggers: (Utterly confused) You mean like the board game?
Rainbow Glitter: (Stands up and cuts her off) And because both unicorns and I live under no laws, I feel that I have the right to be whoever I want to be--not just a slave of Death. I refuse to hide behind the poopy makeup any longer- (dramatically raises fist)--the world must see my true sparkleshine!! (Points equally dramatically at Alberta) And the world needs to see her inner-textbook! And finally, (Glares at Daggers) the world needs to see your inner Alex.
Picture inspirational music crescendoing throughout this speech that immediately quiets when Rainbow addresses Daggers.
Daggers: (Gulps)
Me: You’re right--it’s anarchy.
Daggers: Shut up. (Now whispers) Rainbow Glitter is right.
Me: Rude.
Daggers: (Slowly stands up, eyes wide and full of awe. Band mates watch her in equal awe.) I can’t hide behind Death any longer. I can’t… I can’t lie to myself. I’m…
Insert a dramatic pause here.
Daggers: I’m ALEX!!!!!!!!!
Me: AAHHHHHHHHH!! (Sings like an Angel.)
Daggers: (HUGS me)I’m ALEX!!!!
Me: Holy (beep-beep-beep) Is this in the script??
Alberta: We’re off the script.
Daggers: (Stops being overjoyed for three seconds) I still hate all of you--just like I hate the rest of the world--but (runs around, spinning throughout the yard) I’m ALEX!!!
The band and I watch this, completely bewildered. I really cannot believe that I have to work for such bipolar freaks.
Eventually, I decide that all of this weirdness is too much to bear and promptly walk off of the set called life.
…
As I glare down at the my paycheck of seven dollars from this movie, wondering what I’m doing with my life, Daggers--or should I say Alex--stares at her un-gothified self in the mirror. I went to join her.
Me: This was it, the moment she showed the world who she was, all walls down. The defining moment of her life.
Daggers/Alex: Oh, for the love of…
She turns and actually punches me! The pain is unbearable, and I crumple to the floor.
Do you now see what I must put up with?!
But since I am dedicated to my job…
Me: (Strained voice; gasping) Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.
...
