Matthew
17
Dating A Girl With Bad Breath
The sun rose and everything fell. The kiss was just as I thought it would be- spinning room, sweet summer breeze, cinnamon gum, my girlfriend Alexis. (Whom I’ll call Alex). Yet, there was one odd, very odd thing. It wasn’t her breath that smelled of cinnamon gum. It was mine. Her’s was more of a chipotle burrito kind of vibe. Disgusted, I backed away. Out of my shirt pocket, I took four sour lemon Altoids, and handed three of them to her. She smiled.
alexis: Thanks! (And then she looked at me with a blank stare). Wait… Why did you give me three?
me: What do you mean?
alexis: I mean… (Slowly starting to back up). Like, there were four mints… You gave me three…
me: Yeah…
alexis: Well… (I interrupt.)
me: I mean I thought I was being generous…
alexis: You were… But, don’t you feel that they should have been evenly distributed?
me: I don’t understand… I gave you extra mints! I thought I was being generous.
alexis: Well yeah, but you must be hinting at something. what?
me: (With a shocked expression, sort of like I just got an A+ on a physics test.) No! No! I wasn’t hinting at anything! What do you mean? I was just giving you mints. I thought it might spice up the night. Freshen things up a bit.
alexis: I don’t understand. Why would you want to freshen things up a bit? Am I doing something wrong?
me: NO! (My voice level increasing and trying to find the right words). Look, I bought these special kind of lemon Altoids, and I really ummm… I like lemon and I wanted us to try them tonight! That’s why I gave you the mints…
alexis: Peter, I thought lemon gives you bumps on your tongue. Suddenly you like lemon? And in mint form???
me: Okay Alexis… You want the truth? Your breath smells worse than the cheese section at Whole Foods. We’ve been making out for the past 35 minutes, and honestly it’s kind of gross. I can’t take it anymore. I’m trying to focus but my mind keeps coming back to your breath. I really like you but this is too much. This guacamole, Chipotle Quesarito, onion thing you got going on is not really working for me.
alexis: (Teary eyed, hands shaking) I, I, I, I, I, I… I, I… Don't know what to say… Why didn’t you just tell me?
me: I tried to! I couldn’t breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
alexis: Why?! Maybe you can’t breathe because it’s YOUR breath coming back at you- and not mine!!!
me: Alexis… Alex…
alexis: DO NOT CALL ME ALEX RIGHT NOW.
me: Sorry. Alexis, I’m not really so sensitive to lemons. I told you that because when we were at dinner the other night, and you wanted me to try the chicken dish, it looked so gross and I didn’t know what else to say. So I just told you that.
alexis: You are such a liar... Is your name even Peter?!
me: Yes, my name is Peter. And to answer your earlier question, I couldn’t breathe because of the powerful stench of your breath.
alexis: Well tell me Peter, what do you suggest aside from lemon Altoids?
me: How about next time you subtract the onion and don’t order the most vile burrito that Chipotle sells.
alexis: Hey Peter, there’s not gonna be a next time. And peter, by the way-take a whiff of your own breath. It doesn’t exactly smell like a box of altoids- talk about repulsive. Hashtag garlic breath.
(Alex narrowed her gaze away from me, and toward the door that was the escape from the room we were in together).
Making her move, Alex got up, and blew me one final garlic kiss goodbye.
Alex stared at the door handle and slowly turned the knob.
