Julia

14

The sun rose and everything fell. Including me, head first, out of a superhero bouncy house. I landed on the grass hard and my dress flipped over head, giving everyone, including Captain America, a look at my hello Kitty underwear. At that moment my grandfather got out of his Lincoln Town car on shaky knees. I breathed in sharply and peeled my face off the dirt.
"Surprise," I croak. He just shook his head and hobbled with his cane towards the gaggle of family members that were watching my shame like it was an episode of Glee.
That was the beginning of a string of regrettable occurrences that we now know as "Grandpa's 85th Birthday Party". But I was oblivious to this as I collapsed into one of our stylish-yet-affordable Martha Stewart lawn chairs. Suddenly my crazy Aunt Susan (a wild eyes women with unkept hair and an unsavory demeanor) was in front of me. She was thrusting a bowl of mysterious green liquid under my nose and staring at me expectantly. It smelled like dirty dishwater but it was a general rule we went along with pretty much anything Aunt Susan did.
"It's my famous split pea soup," She grinned eerily. Well, in that case. I reluctantly lifted a spoonful to my mouth and shuddered. Yep, that is dishwater. Dishwater and green food coloring and... garlic? I fought to keep it down and then smiled uneasily at my unwavering aunt.
"Wow," I choked. "That is soup-er." I laughed softly. Her expression didn't change.
"I don't get it," She whispered as she walked backwards into the shadow of the house. You've gotta love crazy Aunt Susan.
I shook my head and got up to talk to Aunt Jess and Uncle Rick. They were jamming a little to hard to "Pinball Wizard" in the corner.
"Cool playlist," I yelled over the music. "I heard you made it, Uncle Rick." He then proceeded to do a move I'd describe as a mix between the sprinkler and a seizure.
"Yeah," He said proudly. "It's mainly Foreigner and the Dave Matthews band."
"Nice," I said forcefully. Then three boys come at us like a lack of wild dogs. I swear one licked my hand.
"Mom," Shouted my cousins Alex and Johnny in unison. My younger brother Joe was with them. "Joe told us we could go into the woods behind the house. Can we please?"
"Okay, just be care-," But they were already gone. The thick perfume of sweat and wet dog only young boys possess lingered around us. My other brother appeared in the door way. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes crazy. They found me and he muttered something I couldn't hear over the roar of Foreigner.
"What," I asked. He leaned into me.
"Code "F"," He said. Everything inside me froze. The icy spear of fear shot through my abdomen and my breath caught.
"No," I said disbelievingly. It couldn't be. He looked me in the eyes and our mutual terror collided. He spoke directly.
"The ferrets are coming," And my brother fainted into my arms.
I darted upstairs as my family cooed over him and Aunt Susan rushed to get him some soup. And there they were before me. The three red-eyed monsters hissed and snapped. The unholy trinity my brother had named Fluffy, Cuddles, and Eugene all those years ago. He'd raised them like a loving parent, feeding and petting them, but I suppose some evil is just destined to be in the world. This evil was three adorable ferrets. I wasn't in the proper attire for a battle, but the were already beginning to lunge so I charged right in with a loud "yop".
The vibrations of "Hot Blooded" shook the floor as Fluffy jumped for my face. I smacked the ferret right out of the air as Eugene growled and started to circle me. He managed to dig his claws into the hem of my dress and cried out. I shook and shimmied so hard I fell onto my back and began to taste bitter defeat welling up in my mouth. It tasted like dishwater. They slowly strutted towards me, basking in their triumph. Barring their ultra pointy teeth and arching their backs. Cuddles extended his sharp claws like he was going to cut me up into little cubes of hormonal teenager. I bet I would be chewy.
"Guys, three on one," came a voice from behind. The demons. "That's not fair-et all." A clothes basket came down over the ferrets, trapping them in a impervious cage of plastic. It was my brother.
"Nice one," I said. We concluded the bastards had somehow found a way to escape his room so we snuck them into the closet in the hallway downstairs. They scratched at the door wildly but the number of the party guests masked their craze. We took deep breaths and escaped three souless animals only to be captured by 30 more.
"Split Pea Soup?" Pestered Aunt Susan. We gracefully accepted and went to sit next to grandmother. My father was showing her how to work those little snapper firework things. You know, the ones that pop when you throw them at the ground? The 80 year old woman squealed with delight each time one went off. Around the room into the kitchen my grandfather was inspecting his Safeway birthday cake and Aunt Susan was furrowing her brow as she stirred a comically large vat of soup. Then, my cousin Alex burst in mutter something about a deer and the bathroom so I pointed him towards the toilet down the hall. I didn't even ask him why he was covered in mud. Aren't boys always? And then all hell broke loose. Cousin Johnny and my brother Joe returned from the woods. Johnny was clutching what appeared to be the sun bleached skull of a deer in his hands and mud was smeared all over his face as war paint. Joe was whooping and howling like the Lord of the Flies and they began to bound around the room. Johnny held he skull over his head and sprinted towards the kitchen. His mouth formed into a perfect "O" as he tripped over grandpa's cane, simultaneously sending the grinning deer skull into the air and the elderly man tumbling face first into the cake with a splat. Frosting oozed out around his face and I swear the skull spiraled through the air in slow motion. The room held its breath as the head landed with a plop right into Aunt Martha's vat of Split Pea Soup. The silence extended for a few seconds more. Then, she dropped her jaw and let out the most horrific inhuman screech I have ever heard. It was like she was possessed by the dead animal that was now bobbing in her beloved pea soup. This whipped everyone into a frenzy. My grandmother began pelting people with snappers and my grandfather spat and cursed and chased after a screaming Johnny and Joe while icing slowly dripped down his face. Someone turned up the Dave Matthews Band's "Crash into Me" while things broke and long kept secrets bubble to the surface. I stood silent and shocked in the corner. Then, I saw him through the chaos. He was in the hallway like I told him but he must not have been listening when I told him the door. My cousin wasn't in front of the bathroom door he was in front of the closet door. Behind that door was my demise in the form of three murderous ferrets.
"No," I screamed. But it was too late. Alex stared at the door and slowly turned the knob.