New York, NY —
Unemployment is high right now, and good jobs are scarce. But WNYC's Brian Lehrer came across this intriguing ad for a very choice position.
Help Wanted: Chairman, Presidential Commission To Investigate Failures That Enabled 9/11.
President of the United States seeks a household name diplomat for unique opportunity to serve your country, repair your tarnished image and secure your legacy. The successful applicant will lead a bipartisan team of cautious politicians to investigate US intelligence failures that contributed to the success of the September 11th plot. Must be able to walk fine line between victims' families who want you to report what really happened, and the CIA director who'd rather you sweep it under the rug. This demanding position will require the skills of a consummate diplomat, with a clear ideology, but willing to take unexpected risks, like sending Nixon to China.
At this moment of national crisis, this position calls for a towering moral figure who can deliver national unity and command universal respect. However, in the absence of such a candidate, international lightning rods and individuals known for polarizing the country will be considered. Must have experience leading US in a major war, even if you lost that war. Nobel Peace Prize, deserved or not, a plus.
Our enemy is a global menace with cells in all corners of the world. If you have experience working with murderous regimes in diverse locations, from Chile to Vietnam to East Timor, we encourage your application. The goal of our enemy is to overthrow our democratically elected government, by assassinating our president if necessary. Working knowledge of such schemes, such as the Pinochet military coup, required. Personal success in the field a plus.
The 9/11 attack was a secret bombing plot. It takes an unusual mind and questionable personal character to be willing to mastermind such a thing. The successful candidate must be familiar with that way of thinking. Personal experience masterminding the secret bombing of Cambodia helpful.
Our enemy is believed to be seeking chemical and biological weapons. The successful candidate will have experience with these kinds of weapons, such as napalm and agent orange. Since the CIA will do a thorough background check on your professional history, you and your past employers must have unimpeachable credentials.
Concerned about applying because of potential conflicts of interest? Don't be. Owning a Washington consulting firm that has close professional relationships with the very people you'll be investigating not an obstacle. Who doesn't these days?
Ability to make Ted Koppel genuflect and call you doctor desirable. Need not be as impressive to Christopher Hitchens. Commitment to democracy around the world optional. Commitment to expressing US power through realpolitique required. If you thought d tente with the Soviet Union was smarter than bringing the Evil Empire to its knees, and if you believe power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, then this just may be the job for you.
Inquiries to GW Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Republicans only.
The Bush Administration is an Equal Opportunity Employer. Septogenarians, Nixon appointees and suspected war criminals are strongly encouraged to apply.)