How Your Relationships Survive Political Differences

A man holds beverages with photos of Republican presidential nominee, former President Donald Trump and Democratic presidential nominee, Vice President Kamala Harris during a an election night watch p

Listeners talk about how the manage to keep their relationships going despite major political differences and disagreements.

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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Now a call in to end the show today, we're going to invite your stories of maintaining functional relationships across political lines. 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. This is about your relationship with friends or relatives or neighbors or work colleagues, with whom you severely disagree about Donald Trump or other politics. Last week we heard from listeners having a hard time maintaining some of those relationships. Today, your advice for those listeners with your stories of functional relationships across the political divide, how do you manage them? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692, call or text. Here's an example of one of the calls that we got last week. Maybe listeners, you have some advice based on your own functional relationships across the political divide for this caller, Ted, last week.

Ted: I've noticed a shift in the relationship with my siblings. We're all spread out across the country, but we meet on Zoom every Sunday night. This past week, the four of us that are on the Democratic side were chatting before the fifth sibling got on the line. It was all about politics and bemoaning what had happened, etc. Of course, we had to stop immediately as soon as the Republican sibling got on the line. Not that there wasn't this division before, but it feels like it's more pronounced.

Brian: That was poor Ted. You hear how distressed he was by where his relationship with his sibling stands right now. Any advice for Ted, or just tell your story? How do you manage your relationships functionally across the political divide? Is it by agreeing to disagree but respectfully, is it by agreeing to avoid the topic altogether? Do you work on yourself to humanize people you think are that wrong on one side or the other, but hey, they're just people. Are there other ways as well? Your functional relationship stories across the political divide. 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692.

Based on your experience, what's your advice for listeners who feel these types of relationships are impossible right now given the Current climate of polarization? 212-433-9692, call or text. We'll take your calls right after this.

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Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Now as we get ready for Thanksgiving and everything else, your stories of maintaining functional relationships with people in your life across the political divide with whom you strongly disagree. I'm Happy to say our lines are full with people with such stories. Let's see if we can help out the people who are struggling to maintain those relationships. Kerry in the Bronx, you're on WNYC. Hi, Kerry, thanks for calling in.

Kerry: Hi, Brian. Thank you for having me. I just find I believe that things have been so hostile in the past few years. I think the COVID experience increased a lot of that. People had more time on their hands, people were home, we weren't socializing as much. I feel we were far more divided about five years ago. I just find that I respect everyone's opinion even if I vehemently disagree with it. I find in turn nobody has really been disrespectful to my views or opinions. I feel that we're really coming back to the middle as a society. I don't feel the tension that I felt five years ago.

Brian: Even after this election?

Kerry: I do. I feel last election I thought was much more contentious. I thought even coming up to this election, I didn't find myself arguing with anybody. I just feel that things are a little bit more middle than they were several years ago. I feel that people are more tolerant of different views. That's my own personal opinion and maybe it's because I don't disrespect other people's views. I'm not quite sure.

Brian: Kerry, thank you very much. Listener writes in a text message, "My dad, I find not attacking is vital and not sliding in things that you know are highly political passively. We maintain the same relationship we've had, except I do respectfully disagree with him when he says things I don't agree with and I expect him to do the same. The best thing that I've ever done for the relationship, though, is listen to what he listens to," I guess this means media, "Once a week." Interesting. Another call. John in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Hi, John.

John: Yes, hi. I was telling your screener and I'm going to age myself, I do like Nancy Reagan. I just say no. I just don't talk about it. I mean that literally and in an absolute sense. I even take it further, if I happen to know that the person is going to vote for the same candidate as me, I still don't talk about it because I identify as a moderate centrist, whatever term you want to use, independent. That means that some issues I may agree on with him or her and some I may not, yet we're still voting for the same person. I don't want to get into an argument about an individual issue. I just don't talk about it. I was meeting a new friend for the first time to hang out. We never hung out before and it turned out to be election day. I texted him, I go, "Listen, one last thing. It happens to be election day." I said, "I don't care who you vote for. I don't want to talk about politics." I just set it down and that's it.

Brian: That's one way to do it. John, thank you very much. Here's a funny text. Funny, not funny. It says, "I'm a leftist and my in-laws are Trump supporters. We can all come together and hate Joe Biden. Linda in East Windsor, you're on WNYC. Hi, Linda.

Linda: Hi. I wanted to let you know that I made a decision. Two of the most important people in my life, my sister and my cousin, are big Trump supporters. I am never going to let this man come between me and my sister or my cousin. I love them, they love me. We have a lifetime together of doing wonderful things with one another. I am just not going to let him have that direct influence in my life. I made that decision when he was first elected. That's it. I don't find it hard to do. I don't find it hard to do. I love these people.

Brian: Do you find the reciprocity as easy or at least willing on their parts?

Linda: More than willing, because they love me and I love them. I don't understand why they believe in what they do. Frankly, I don't think they know-- Both of them watch Fox TV, let's put it that way, and that guides them.

I can't change who they listen to. I can't change their things. There's so many wonderful things about these two people and I'll never let them go no matter what happens, and they'll never let me go.

Brian: Love conquers all, says Linda in East Windsor. Any advice for people who are having a harder time with it, based on your experience.

Linda: Weigh what that person meant to you before Donald Trump became president. Weigh it. There's got to be some value in that. He's not going to be president forever. I hope to God there's a post-Trump era in our lives, but I'm telling you, he's not worth ruining some really good relationships. He's not worth it. If it means you don't discuss it, discuss it with other people. The important people, have a meal with them, go out. I'm going to be in New York this weekend and I'll go to a museum with one of the Trumpsters. I love her.

Brian: Linda, thank you. Thank you very much for your call. Jack in Queens, you're on WNYC. Hello, Jack

Jack: Hi. I'm a progressive and I have this friend who is a fascist. He says horrendous things and we've known him for 20 years and we disagree all the time. As long as we keep talking, we can have a relationship. Also what happens is when you talk to someone, you actually find out there's nuances, that there's lots of things that you agree on and there's only a couple of things that you disagree on.

To give you an example, he's a super Trump supporter, but we've talked about it and there's lots of things he hates about Trump that we talk about and he agrees with. "Oh yes, he's a terrible person, but the other people even worse." The funny thing is that your text about, we both agree about how we hated Biden. That's also true for us. We both really dislike Biden. I think it's really important to have dialogue with people and talk. He has changed. I think the problems become when people stop talking because then they either become violent or they stop or they end relationships.

Brian: It sounds like in your case it's not even just be restrained and really try hard to have a vibe of civility over your conversation. It's like, yes, we get in there and we argue. We just don't disparage each other and we listen to each other's positions, but the argument brings out nuance. Do I hear you right?

Jack: Yes, I think that's really true. Also I think one of the things is that you find out that people are complicated. For instance, he says really horrendously racist things, but all his friends are Black and Jewish and Muslim. From my perspective, it's bizarre is that in terms of his personal relationships is that there's no racism or any of the horrible things but he says all these terrible stereotype stuff, not to mention [inaudible 00:11:25] [crosstalk]

Brian: Thank you. Thank you very much. Listener texts, "My sister in law is a recently radicalized RFK Jr. fan who went from a seemingly liberal young mom to a staunch anti-vaxxer and conspiracy theorist and Trump voter. I'm crafting all the quietly disparaging things I can say to shut the conversations down in subtle ways. Is that how you can shut them down? Say disparaging things? Maybe if they're the right quietly disparaging things? I don't know. You may be just creating steam inside that person. Let's get one more in here. Mike in Park Slope, you're on WNYC. Hi, Mike.

Mike: Hello, Brian. Hi, Brian.

Brian: We have 20 seconds for you, so I'm going to have to ask you to do it.

Mike: Really quickly. What I did was I let my sisters know what I felt, which was the opposite of what they were texting on our [unintelligible 00:12:21] Just so long as they knew what I felt, and I said, "I cannot agree with you." The next day, their guy won. I wrote, "I love you both. Let's move on," or I actually said, "Congratulations, let's move on. I love you both." They texted back. We just said, "We know where we stand, but we're going to keep loving each other." As long as they knew what I thought, that was it.

Brian: Mike, thank you very much. I will acknowledge that a number of people are texting who just are not having it with the various callers. Here's one that says, where did it go, respectfully disagreeing in itself is a privilege to have. James Baldwin says, "We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of humanity and right to exist." There we leave it. Thank you for all your calls on your functional relationships across the political divide. That's the Brian Lehrer Show for today, produced by Mary Croke, Lisa Allison, Amina Serna, Carl Beisrand, Esperanza Rosenbaum and Zach Goddard Cohen. Our interns this term are Andres Pacheco Hiron and Olivia Green, Juliana Fonda and Milton Ruiz at the audio controls. Stay tuned for All Of It.

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