Pandemic Relationships: How It Started and How It's Going

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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. I wish the Mayor and Charlene a Happy Valentine's Day, he wished you all a Happy Valentine's Day. Now some news about love ahead of Valentine's Day. According to a recent Pew survey, just 53% of cohabiting adults said things in their relationship were going very well in 2020.

If that stat sounds rough, well, barely half in the year of COVID staying at home said things in their relationships were going very well in that year of staying at home, but guess what lovers? It was just about the same in 2019, before the pandemic when 54% rather than 53 of people surveyed were happy with their relationships before the pandemic meant so much together time.

Now, we'll open up the phones for your relationship check-in. How has your relationship been going during the past year and how has it changed? What are you doing to keep things going very well as the survey put it, or if you've gotten along so well, during this time that you have advice for other couples? We want to hear it, they want to hear it, tweet @BrianLehrer or call in, 646-435-7280, that's 646-435-7280.

With nearly a year of social distancing under our belts, did you and your partner have any struggles? Like deciding on best practices for staying safe? Maybe one person was more strict than the other. When it came to social activities, maybe one partner was more extroverted than the other and found it really hard to spend all their time with one person, a pod doo doo, if you will, sorry, dancers pod doo doo.

How did you manage that? Tweet @BrianLehrer or call 646-435-7280. If you needed the reminder, Valentine's Day is this Sunday, and according to TD Bank's new love and money report, yes, that's a thing, 1 in 10 couples experienced money problems during the pandemic, whether they were furloughed, lost their jobs, or had their hour scale back. I think 1 in 10 is really low, but that's their survey result.

Then retailers are expecting a drop in Valentine's Day sales. What are you doing to keep the romance alive this Sunday? That's the other half of our question. Besides whatever you want to report from your couplehood from the last year that might help others. What are you going to do to keep the romance alive this Sunday, if it's just another day of not really going out if you're not really going out?

Tweet @BrianLehrer or call 646-435-7280. As your calls are coming in, we speak to Lisa Bonos, the dating and relationships writer for The Washington Post. Hey, Lisa, welcome to WNYC.

Lisa Bonos: Thanks for having me.

Brian: Back in May, you reported on a Monmouth University poll that found 51% of people said they anticipated their relationships will get stronger by the end of COVID. 46% said they didn't anticipate anything changing. That leaves almost none who thought COVID was going to harm their relationship. From your reporting, has this rosy scenario and the poll findings mostly been the case?

Lisa: Yes, I mean, Monmouth University actually recently released an update to that polla where the polling was done in late January, and the numbers were virtually the same. What I continue to hear when I talk to couples and divorce lawyers and relationship experts is that this time generally isn't bringing new problems to the fore. It's intensifying issues that were there before, and when you mentioned that Pew survey about how 53% say their relationship is going very well. That poll also found that 37% said things were going fairly well. When you put together very well and fairly well, that's most people, and so yes, I think most relationships are doing quite well actually.

Brian: You want to give us a story, any story of your choice from your stories for The Washington Post?

Lisa: Sure. Well, one of my recent favorites is about two friends who went to high school together in the 1960s in the Richmond Virginia area, and they each dated each other's best friend in high school. That's how they even knew each other Peter and Betty, and they sort of lost touch over the years and Betty has been in charge of doing her high school reunions and things like that.

She was looking for people on Facebook, she found Peter and she friended him a couple of years ago. Recently, they had been in touch and during the pandemic, they really were talking a lot on the phone and Betty confessed her feelings for Peter like as lockdowns were going on. Where he was they were 3,000 miles apart at this point. He was living on a boat in Baja, California, and she was still in the Richmond area. In July, they made the decision that Peter would fly out to Virginia, and they've been living together for six months. That is like a really nice feel-good story, and I just really enjoyed talking to them.

Brian: That's a good one for two days before Valentine's Day. Anna in Clinton Hill, you're on WNYC. Hi, Anna.

Anna: Hi, thanks for having me. I would just say that the pandemic has brought out a level of annoying that I don't think I knew was possible especially with a partner that I love so much. There's things that I'm noticing from the way he breathes, the way he takes his coffee that I just don't think I would have noticed before when we were both going off to our jobs and going to our offices and not spending so much time together.

That's really come to the forefront, and it makes you think on your weekdays, "Is this a person I should be with, or is this just the typical way that the pandemic is having such an effect on our relationship?" It's tough, but I think it's good overall.

Brian: Lisa, you want to talk to Anna?

Lisa: Yes, I mean, sounds like the annoyances that pop up when I'm around my parents, right, I'm living with my-- Doing a two-month stint with my parents who've been married for 40 years. Of course, they get on each other's nerves. They love each other very much. Of course, they get on each other's nerves. I think you're getting a preview of maybe what's to come, but it sounds like it's going well, overall.

Anna: Definitely, yes, it's challenging. Thank you.

Brian: Yes, and I mean I guess-- go ahead. Now, you go.

Lisa: Oh, I was just going to say, there's no one that you could live with 24/7 and not be annoyed with them. It doesn't matter. I'm sure you do things that annoy him too. It's just this extreme togetherness, we're bound to get on each other's nerves.

Brian: It's kind of the duality of maybe great relationships. I can't, obviously, pass any qualitative judgment on a relationship, but that bonds can deepen, even as you discover over time, the things about your partner that most get on your nerves.

Lisa: Yes, for sure.

Brian: Suzanna in Brooklyn, you're on WNYC. Hi, Susanna.

Suzanna: Hi, Brian, thank you so much for taking my call. I'm just calling as representing all the single people out there and all the people who went through COVID breakups. I am one of them, and it wasn't fun, but I got through the other side of it and just acknowledging that this is a time where a lot of people feel really lonely, probably even within a relationship feeling really isolated.

To tell people out there to give themselves a lot of self-care, and that Valentine's Day can be really triggering. I for one work in a restaurant, and I'll be serving all the couples in the world. It's going to be great, but really is really important to validate those people that are not in a relationship that they are still valuable to be in a relationship with themselves.

Brian: Absolutely. Suzanna, thank you very much. She's right. Lisa, of course, Valentine's Day is triggering in the best of times if you're alone, or even more so if you've maybe just broken up with somebody, but in a time of isolation even more so. Anything you want to add?

Lisa: Yes, I mean, I would say I went through a breakup during COVID as well. It's not easy, especially when you can't even see friends or be inside with anyone. I think there's two levels to a breakup right now, the loss of the specific person and then the loss of having someone around. It is definitely hard and I would say to remember that we will get out of this eventually and just even though things might be lonely or difficult now, it's not gonna stay that way forever.

Brian: Charlie in Dallas, you're on WNYC. Hi, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi, thank you for having me and taking my call. I've appreciated the show so far, especially the bioethics that was really great, but specifically this topic. We have definitely had an interesting time. We got married during the pandemic. All we know is being annoyed with each other and not having a lot of space. I guess my question is around one, I wonderhow do I have a romantic, safe Valentine's Day? But as we turn this from the pandemic, how do I navigate transitioning from having just holding one person around to having more space and then autonomy, I'm interested in that?

Brian: Lisa.

Lisa: That's a good question. First of all, congratulations on getting married.

Charlie: Thank you.

Lisa: What a year to start a marriage. I think you guys [crosstalk] probably like 10 in a lot of ways. Happy first year anniversary. [chuckles]

Charlie: Thank you.

Lisa: Transitioning to going out in the world again, I think relationship experts talk a lot about novelty and how important that is in a relationship and you'll get to experience that. I think in a way, when you get to go out and have separate experiences and then come back and tell your partner about it, that could be really fun just getting to do things that you enjoy on your own without each other, or to meet other couples that you also enjoy spending time with. Yes, I think you don't need advice. The hard part was probably this past year.

Charlie: It's true though, thank you for that.

Brian: Thank you. Usually people assume it's going to get easier once COVID lockdowns ease up, but that's interesting that you might have a new challenge through the opening. Charlie, thank you. Call us again. Okay.

Charlie: Will do, thank you.

Brian: Thank you, but what he brings up there and what you bring up there is really a big deal, right? What you mentioned in particular the sameness. If variety is good for relationship, that's one of the things that's definitely missing for a lot of couples, a lot of individuals during COVID, it's variety of experience.

Lisa: For sure. I've been thinking about that. What do you recommend for Valentine's Day? Is it that you go takeout from a different restaurant you haven't been to before or go on a hike somewhere you haven't been before? It's hard to find new experiences right now.

Brian: I see that your article today in the Washington Post is about people who have kept on casually dating during the pandemic. What are data saying their pandemic turn-ons are?

Lisa: Well, nothing is really that casual these days. That's the tricky part because you have to maybe isolate for a while before you meet up for the first time. Daters are telling me they're getting COVID tests before meeting up for a first date. Pandemic turn-ons, when someone has extra hand sanitizer and they offer it to you or maybe they come prepared with an extra mask for you just in case you don't have one or when someone gets tested or agrees to stay home for days before a date.

I also had a woman tell me that she is really into guys who seem like they could be survivalist if they had to be. If you were dropped in the woods, they could help you find food and shelter. I think that just illustrates how much the world has changed in a year.

Charlie: Indeed, that one's really funny being interested in somebody who has survivalist skills, but those other ones you mentioned. It's so sweet in a way or a new definition of what's sweet in a new relationship. You mentioned when someone has hand sanitizer in your pocket, in the old days, you'd think they were a germaphobe and you don't want to get near them. Now it's, "Oh, you carry hand sanitizer. You have a squirt for me." Now, when someone offers you a fresh mask they brought, even if you already have one, that's the new thoughtfulness?

Lisa: Yes, it really, it's beyond just the items. What it shows is that somebody is thinking about another person and is cognizant of how all of our actions affect others around us and that's a good skill to have in a relationship, regardless of whether it's COVID or not.

Brian: Kenny in the Bronx, you're on WNYC. Hi, Kenny.

Kenny: Happy Valentine's lunar new year. Brian, Bronx and Queens loves you. My boyfriend and I live in different boroughs. We've been together for two-and-a-half years. I'm very shy so I can't say his name, but we're doing on the 14th, he doesn't really celebrate. We've never celebrated Valentine's Day, because he doesn't believe in the commercialism and going out but we're romantic with each other and that's great, but I don't know if you remember the movie It's a Wonderful Life?

In the scene that Jimmy Stewart had to help out, he couldn't go on his own honeymoon and his Donna Reed and the guys in the neighborhood, they put the house together and they ended up living there. We're going to be doing some kind of like a Shangri-La romantic paradise. We're going to play Hawaiian music. We're going to play salsa, we're going to play polka. We're going to dance. We're going to do a vegan meal in our AirFryer and we're going to just be together.

We went through COVID, we went through a mild case but we went through it. We had co-morbidities and going through our stuff, so it's been difficult, but I think we just have to be creative and weathering the stuff. With everything going on now, and the vaccines are going to come and there's Moderna, whatever, we're going to live it. People that are dating have to be careful, but you have to try to get together and be together.

That what's kept us sane throughout quarantine and everything is the fact that we have a respect for each other, that he's working in his place, I'm working in my place, but when we get together, we can be together and that's the most important thing.

We're going to celebrate heart and love date on the 15th, and we're going to make our own food and New York Times has great recipes and we're going to have vegan stuff and we're going to have stuff. I think that's the best way to do it and we love your show and keep doing what you're doing because you keep us alive.

Brian: Oh man, thank you very much. I love you, Kenny, and your partner, and so well done and so well said, thank you for all of that and please call us again. Lisa, beautiful, so well-thought out and even from a couple that doesn't even like commercial Valentine's Day.

Lisa: I know I love that, it really shows creativity and how you can embrace what we can still do in this moment, rather than lamenting everything we can't do. It really made me smile.

Brian: People are meeting online. People are having their first dates or first few dates on Zoom, and then they have to make a very calculated decision on when to touch for the first time, like even hold hands or hug. What have you learned about dating in the COVID era? Anything that you think can be beneficial for everyone out there in the future as this drags on?

Lisa: Even touching is like really serious these days and has brought us back to an earlier time in a lot of ways, and I've learned that communication is really key. You can still, if you're not ready to touch or take that risk yet, you can talk about what you might like to do once you can. It's a really good time to exercise all the different love languages, can still do nice things for people and find ways to be creative, to get to know one another.

Even if you're going on a Zoom date, don't just make it an interview, really try to talk about things in your surroundings that are important to you. Pick one thing from your apartment and talk about what it means to you or put on some music and dance together but apart, anything you can do to spice things up.

Brian: In our last 30 seconds, any tips for Valentine's Day based on your reporting?

Lisa: Let's see, whether you're with somebody or not pick one person to tell them how much they've meant to you over the past year, or maybe that's a friend that checked in on you a lot or a family member that you haven't gotten to see in a while but just I would do one nice thing for one person who's special to you. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship.

Brian: Nice. Lisa Bonos, dating and relationships writer for The Washington Post. Thank you so much happy Valentine's Day to you.

Lisa Bonos: Happy Valentine's Day to you too.

Brian: I love, and it's no secret, Brain Lehrer show producers, Lisa Allison, Mary Croke, Zoe Azulay, Amina Srna, and Carl Boisrond, Zach Gottehrer-Cohen who works on a daily podcast and Megan Ryan, the head of live radio and Juliana Fonda at the audio controls. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Happy lunar new year. Brian Lehrer on WNYC.

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