Marya Haidery doesn’t have many clear memories of when she was cut. She was six years old and her mother took her to a relative’s home in New Jersey, telling her she was going to hurt a little, but she would get ice cream afterwards.
Haidery grew up in a small, close-knit sect of Shia Islam that practices female genital mutilation. More than 30 years after her she was cut, Haidery spoke to her mother about FGM for the first time. She only began to openly discuss her experiences after a Detroit-area doctor was charged with performing FGM on two girls from Minnesota last year. Haidery was cut about a decade before FGM was explicitly illegal in the U.S., and that’s one reason why her mother feels she is free of blame.
“I didn’t think I did anything wrong,” said her mother, Mrs. Hussain, who asked to be identified only by her last name for fear of pushback from her community for talking openly about the secretive practice.
Neither Haidery nor her mother have had any long term physical or psychological issues from being cut. But one of Haidery’s sisters suspects that FGM is the cause of her frequent bladder infections, severe incontinence, and painful sex — all of which can result from FGM. Haidery’s sister, who asked not to be named due to the sensitivity of the issue, hasn’t told their mother about those issues.
Haidery believes the silence around FGM is one reason the practice has seen so little scrutiny. Her mother sees the silence as proof that FGM is harmless.
[T]hey say that we remove just a little bit of skin, like they do it for the men.
“I never had seen anything bad about that,” Hussain told her daughter. “You know, for so many years everybody was doing it, because they say that we remove just a little bit of skin, like they do it for the men.”
Many of those who defend FGM often equate the practice male circumcision. But experts reason that male circumcision doesn’t cause infection or problems urinating like FGM does. When Haidery told her mother about scientific studies proving the harm of FGM, Hussain brought up another reason for the practice, one based on faith.
Hussain believed it was her obligation as a Bohra Muslim to practice FGM. She said the clitoral cut is meant to curb women’s sexual activity. In recent years, Bohra Muslim leaders have urged congregants in countries like the U.S. where FGM is illegal to follow the law of the land, but some believe the head of the sect stands by the practice.
Most mainstream Muslims don’t believe in FGM, and it is not mentioned in the Quran.
Haidery asked her mother if she would follow the federal law banning FGM, or if she would follow her spiritual leader’s proclamations to carry FGM in secret.
“I wouldn’t have done [it] if I had a little girl now,” her mother said. But, she, continued, “If there is no law, I will still go for it.”
Still, Hussain doesn’t think the next generation of Bohra Muslims will carry on FGM. Hussain said that she wouldn’t have pressured Haidery to carry out FGM if she’d had a daughter.
The two said she knew of some Bohra Muslim who subjected their daughters to FGM despite the law — and despite being born and raised in the U.S. Still, exposing the practice to American laws and Western ideals has helped start a conversation that Haidery believes will be key to ending FGM once and for all. That’s why she was troubled by a statement from the White House that includes FGM on a list of reasons to end what it calls “chain migration” and the current visa lottery system.
Shelby Quast, of the women’s rights organization Equality Now said FGM is being used to push an anti-immigration agenda, but it’s a different story within the U.S.
“Previously, we had had seen this as cultural or religious,” but, she said, authorities are increasingly treating FGM as a child protection issue that brings about a broader response that can lead to doctors, teachers, and community members to report FGM whenever they encounter it.
Although Haidery said she wanted FGM to end, she didn't believe parents should lose their children because of it.
After the conversation over samosas and homemade salsa in the den of her mother's home, Haidery said that she had hoped her mother would’ve reconsidered her stance on FGM, but she didn't resent her.
“She made a mistake but she’s a loving mom,” Haidery said. “She calls me every day and wants to know if I have a headache.”
If her daughter has migraine, Hussain stops by with food, looks after her grandsons, and does whatever she can to make the hurting stop.