What You Learned From Being Rejected

Singer Madonna''s 1981 rejection letter is up for sale at a Sotheby''s auction of Madonna memorabilia July 18, 2001 in New York City.

A recent article in Vox documents the writer's goal to get rejected a number of times per week, as an exercise in 'shooting your shot.' Listeners call in to share their stories, lessons and musings about being rejected, and the silver linings that can come from being told 'no.

[music]

Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. To close out the show today with something completely different, although maybe not if you just applied to college. It's calls on the upside of rejection. The upside of rejection? Why? It's because of a recent article in Vox titled You Should Be Setting Rejection Goals by Jillian Anthony. She believes that although we all have an ingrained fear of rejection, "Getting your dreams crushed can be surprisingly good for you."

Who has a story about rejection? The upside of rejection? What positive role has rejection played in your life? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. Who has an upside of rejection story? Last year, this Vox writer, Jillian Anthony actually set out to be rejected as much as she could. What? She and 15 other people set out to get rejected as many times as possible through the month of November, cheekily titling the project "No November". The idea was that you need to open yourself to a lot of no's in order to get a few big yeses.

In her case as a journalist, she focused on getting no's when pitching articles for her work. She found that "shifting attention to rejection rather than success made her work feel so much easier. Rather than being a perfectionist, suddenly getting a no was worth celebrating." Is this having any resonance with you, listeners? Have you ever actually set out to be rejected? Maybe one won't get any calls like that, but this Vox writer did in order to pursue a better version of herself, or maybe by being rejected professionally, maybe in love, maybe in some other way, you learn something about yourself or you learn something about others that help you not to get rejected in the future.

Who has an upside of rejection story inspired by this Vox article? 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. Last month we took some calls on growing stronger thanks to your nemesis. Hello, Drake. In a similar vein, maybe a rejection caused you to strive in life in order to prove the naysayers wrong. That could be one aspect of an upside of rejection. 212-433-WNYC, with your upside of rejection stories. 212-433-9692. Call or text. We'll take them right after this.

[music]

Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. Now to your calls about being rejected. Carolita in Queens, you're on WNYC. Hi, Carolita.

Carolita: Hi. I'm a New Yorker cartoonist, and we are rejected every week. You could almost do a hundred years of cartoonists having 97% of their work rejected because that's on average, like over 90% of our stuff is rejected.

Brian Lehrer: I guess you heard our segment this week with the 100 years of New Yorker cartoons. Is there an upside of all this rejection, Carolita?

Carolita: Yes, it just makes you really inured to rejection. I mean, some of us, we do get our bounds every now and then, but it also just makes you like, "Ah, I'm rejected all the time." You just try things because it's not going to hurt so bad.

Brian Lehrer: Keep cartooning. Thank you for calling us. Mandy in Frederick, Maryland, you're on WNYC. Hi, Mandy.

Mandy: Hi, Brian. Still listen to you every day, even though now I don't live in New York City. Love your show. I told the screener I applied many, many years ago when I lived in the D.C. Area to a psychology doctorate program. Interested always in psychology therapy. I did not get accepted in that program at the time, was devastated. I soon after joined the Peace Corps. I went abroad and did that experience, was wonderful, really enriching, and in some ways sent me on a new path. I did circle back, eventually, got my degree and I am a psychotherapist. It was a great lesson. You don't always have to be attached to one way to do something or how you get there can be different than you thought.

It's definitely something I'm so glad I did. I think it was a good thing I wasn't accepted to the program. I don't think I was really ready and I really had a wonderful enriching experience abroad that has served me well since then. It was a good lesson--

Brian Lehrer: It's probably a big category in the upside of rejection, right? Being rejected from something you really wanted to do set you on a path that was maybe your second choice, third choice, but that turned out really well.

Mandy: That turned out really well. I actually even say with my clients now, often, if you have a goal or you have something you want to do, just remember there's different ways or different paths to get there. Even if the one you thought it was going to be turns out not to be that, you can still try to find another path to what you want. For me, that was definitely the case.

Brian Lehrer: Mandy, thank you so much for calling. Elizabeth in D.C., you're on WNYC. Hi, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Hi. What a pleasure. What an honor. Thank you so much for everything you do. The caller right before me spoke to what I was going to say, which-- I told the screener, my favorite quote is rejection as the universe's protection. It's just very, very general, but it's just a short phrase I keep in my mind and has carried me through different rejections, and every single time I've not gotten the thing I thought I wanted. Similar to the caller before me, graduate school or a job or whatnot. I just had to-- It didn't feel great at the moment, but just really have good support, have good mechanisms to focus, and then reshift my focus and focus on something new. I've seen it in myself, I've seen it in others. Just a short statement. There's always an upside to not getting what I want in my life.

Brian Lehrer: Is that a phrase that you made up or did you get it from somewhere? Rejection is the universe's protection, you said.

Elizabeth: I absolutely did not make it up. I got it from people before me, wiser than me, but it's just the most beautiful phrase, in my opinion, and has carried me through, like I said, a lot of different life circumstances.

Brian Lehrer: Elizabeth, thank you so much. Loris in West Orange, you're on WNYC. Hi, Loris.

Loris: Hi, Brian. Happy Friday. I am in an internal Friday because I've been out of work for over a year and a half.

Brian Lehrer: Oh, boy.

Loris: Exactly. I'm in my mid-40s, I am mid-career, not quite seen like C suite level management, but upper-level management, which means there's not a lot of work for us right now. This is ongoing. I actually apply for jobs like three a day and then the easy apply on LinkedIn. It's like, how many can I get out every day? When I'm able to get an interview, that's when I'm really taking an opportunity to learn, and I have notes that I keep track of. Like this is the sector that it was in and this was the role and the question that was asked that really got me thinking about what I want. I feel like I'm actually in a place now, after hundreds of rejections in the last few years, to reject what's not right for me. I'm really taking that and learning and taking that with me because I have power to.

Brian Lehrer: After so many for so long. You are like a master of resiliency, it sounds like, because you could be so beaten down.

Loris: I am blessed, and blessed with community and also a lot of privilege that I was in the middle of a divorce when I lost my job and was able to settle that divorce in a way that gave me a buffer to take care of my child and myself right now. I'm not helping my retirement fund at all, but we're safe, so I have that privilege as well.

Brian Lehrer: Loris, thank you so much. Gloria in Newark, you're on WNYC. Hi, Gloria.

Gloria: Good afternoon. I'm a first-time caller, long-time listening. Sometimes rejection is God's selection. I was rejected when I was married. Back in the ‘60s, people didn't mind not only practicing the R-word but saying it. I was rejected as a potential adoptive parent because I was Black and blind and married to somebody who was neither one of those things. My mother taught me to love America. You can't love everything she does unless you're crazy. If you try to slam a constitutional door in my face, I'm going to put my foot in it. That led to my not only becoming a successful adoptive parent, but being able to rescue almost 2,000 children from foster care forever under an adoption agency that became international.

It also led me to bring in the biggest donation in 1955 when they threw Emmett Till in the Mississippi river in my local church where I now serve as part of the pastoral ministry to bring in the largest donation and to get an award from Mr. Wilkins who was still alive there then. Rejection is sometimes God's selection. America, you've got too much to fight for, to lay down under this challenge, stand up and nonviolently demand to keep this wonderful gift that was purchased by sacred blood and honor. God bless.

Brian Lehrer: Wow, Gloria, thank you very much. How do you like that? First of all, we got our second rhyme with rejection ending in an upside of this call-in. What about Gloria's story? Rejected as an adoptive parent once upon a time, wound up founding a whole adoption agency that helped place thousands of kids and she even brought it to democracy in this moment. Since we can't possibly beat that, we're going to end the segment.

That's the Brian Lehrer Show for today, produced by Mary Croke, Lisa Allison, Amina Srna, Carl Boisrond, and Esperanza Rosenbaum. Zach Gottehrer-Cohen produces our daily Politics podcast. Megan Ryan is the head of Live Radio. We had Juliana Fonda and Shayna Sengstock at the audio controls. Have a great weekend everybody, and stay tuned for All Of It.

New York Public Radio transcripts are created on a rush deadline, often by contractors. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of New York Public Radio’s programming is the audio record.